Hi, feeling better today. Last night was great. I went to a Broadway play and dinner with my sis and co-worker. It was the same play the Obama's went to two weeks ago. Had a really good time but I'm exhausted today. The GALing is really great for PMA. I think this week I will put in place a no contact plan for dealing with H. I'm much better when there is distance. You know something that I realized, partly I need to be less hard on myself. I realized that in probably every communication I have with H, I beat myself up afterwards: 1. If we are friendly and nice- afterward I feel how could I be so friendly with someone who has done this to me; 2. if we fight- afterward I feel oh no I don't want to come off as argumentative and contentious and so I then apologize to him for losing it. Then I'm mad that I'm apologizing to him after he has done me really dirty. 3. when we ML- I'm mad at myself feeling that I'm allowing him to cake eat. 4. Then we I do no contact and then miss him and reach out - I'm made at myself for being so weak. Is this normal? It seems like the best communication is distance and no contact but then I get to missing him and somehow we get sucked back in. Ahhhhhhhhh this is a nightmare in living flesh.
So yesterday H called about business, I promised myself before answering I would be cool and calm. He went into the R talk (Karen I so tried to avoid it.) He asked what I was doing and who's that in the background, I was in the nail salon. I told him that and I'm so sorry guys buy it just blurred out- oh, I have a date tonight. I know I have done this dumb "OM" thing before. But I just said a date. It really just came out. I'm tired of him questioning my whereabouts so I told him what he didn't want to hear shoots!!! Of course he didn't like that. Started to say how don't bring any man to "his house". I said you don't pay for your house. Then he started to insist and to avoid an argument I just agreed very nonchalantly. Why bother.
He went into his usual I'm coing back home but where he is is not safe for his son and he needs me to understand. I tried to just listened for the most part since I was in the nail salon. But I said what am I to understand I don't know what your plan is. Are you looking to take custody of your son? Him: no I can't take him from his mother her only son. Why not take your son with you to your mother's place until there is a safer place for him. Him: Then I would have to get up early to get him ready and that's what she does. Me: Well you have your niece there and that would be a sacrifice you make to keep your son safe and to save your marriage. Him: look it might sound stupid but she does it better. Bottom line, is he for real!!!! And get this, H said about him and OW and taking his son: why fix something that's not broken. Blew me away. I said but your marriage is broken.
He is so full of [censored]. This man truly has no sense of what marriage means. Waste of my time. I'm feeling right now that H is such a waste of my time that I don't even feel like writing about him right now. Too much energy put to waste on his bullcrap. Unbelievable.
mdoodles, I'm dropping off the retainer fee to my attorney tomorrow for her to get started on the legal separation. I'm hoping she could draft it this week, I review and tehn we would serve H sometime this week or early next. Funny thing is that I feel so comfortable about doing the legal separation that I can actually see that if or when time to do the divorce I will be alright doing it. Funny how we get to different stages and it feels right. The separation agreement feels right. It will be a beast though getting this cake eater to sign it. He's not gonna want to give up a slice of his cake.
