You know Kevin, I think it is good that you are being honest.

Your problem is not that you didn't appreciate her, it is that you don't/didn't appreciate yourself. I mean you are telling us that you were an incomplete person when you met.

I've worked on myself for a long time and have a pretty healthy outlook and STLL, I relate to your comment about your wife dying versus D. For a long time, I thought the only solution was for one of us to die. I get it. I really really do. However, that is not what is happening. Your kids need you as much or more to cope because they have to deal with the ongoing trauma. And, it is ongoing for them too. You have to step up even if you feel like you are dying over and over, eventually, you will feel better. Every time you handle it, you recognize that you CAN and you will learn to appreciate YOURSELF (clue).

This is your time to discover what you enjoy without her. Of course it is the ultimate challenge and, guess what, it is exactly the challenge you need to grown into a man. If it were any easier, you wouldn't grow. Can you get that? It is the severity and depth of this challenge that is going to grow you. Stop running away from it.

I'll tell you a LAST time, no one will be interested in you if you are not interested in yourself and your life. Kevin you have so much as told us that you have little to offer, you are not interested in anything, you don't enjoy anything on your own. I am not religious, but I pray you will comprehend this. I struggle as everyone here does. I fantasize about easy ways out and not having to GAL and focus on me, easier to focus on H and the kids etc. I hear songs and want to cry or drive by memorable places (heck I still live in our house)...everyone here knows the drill, it is just at a certain point we CHOOSE to start focusing on ourselves and other things. It just has to happen.

There are plenty of calls for 2x4s in your post but I don't think they're helping.

You are being honest and straightforward. I get where you're at.

I hope our messages penetrate.

This is not a Disney movie where you are some low-life guy who hooks up with a great gal and live happily ever after. We were all duped by that cr*p. It is not reality. You've got to be the prince to keep the princess (and something tells me W is not the princess you make her out to be either).

Do you hear me Kevin? We ALL thought this would be easier. Get it?