Im done with you. Sorry, but I am. This is not about your W or drawing her back to you. If that is what you think DB'ing is about then I cant help you (nobody can).
When you decide to get C'ing, be your own man and accept that you are no longer in a M with your W then maybe somebody else can offer you some assistance but at this point, I really have nothing else to offer you and I am tired of the 2x4's.
W did say she wants to have a seafood boil at her house tomorrow night for me and the kids. I told her that I thought that sounds great.
The whole point of DBing is to change yourself and then hopefully your S will notice and take an interest in you again. Correct?
Kevinn
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Wait a second. You just said to check here before I email, text, call, etc.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
No, *you* wait a second. When you start doing things you claim you want to do then maybe more people will be apt to help you out. I am too damn tired of hearing about your W.
Divorce busting is to make the fundamental changes YOU need to make as a person to grow and flourish and be okay no matter what the outcome of your M is. Check the stats - very few marriages come back together once a spouse walks away. The point of DB is to be okay on your own and choose to be happy and BETTER.
You have decided you will only survive if your W is around and you are only doing things so your W will come back. That is not DB'ing. You have not changed a bit and the only changes you have made are for your W (who doesnt care right now).
When you start making this about YOU then things will change. I am over hearing about your W. Its boring. You still cant go 24 hours w/o saying a darn word about her.
And once again you jumped at any tiny crumb she threw your way and agreed at once to the seafood boil. You should have said... "gee W, that sounds great but I have plans, maybe another time". Again, you did nothing to create mystery or show her that you have your own life and that you are just fine w/o her. As much as you annoy her she has you right where she wants you and she knows it.
Divorcebusting is not a tactic. It is a phrase used to describe practical steps you take to recover from the revelation that a spouse wants to walk away and to help you move on with YOUR life. You bust the fear and apprehension associated with the word divorce even if you are not able to bust the divorce itself. In the process, you put the glare of the full beam headlights on your worst fears and examine them carefully. You realise that they will not defeat you because you are more than a H to your W. THe phrase divorce busting is not an abracadabra magic incantation that will instantly transform a situation.
Well, today me and my girls went to a swimming park. Then we came home and ate dinner and then went to an out door symphony tonite. All in all it was something different for us to do today.
Tomorrow is church again.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Ok. I can do that. Just please help me do what it takes to draw my W back to me. I will follow what you tell me.
Kevin
Kevin, pay attention to this..."a reconciliation won't happen unless you put the work in yourself, take the pressure off of your spouse, and put some time and distance between the two of you. Then, it's possible."
Do this, man! Work on yourself...first and foremost! But do it because it needs to be done, and for no other reason. Take the pressure off of her and put some time and distance between the two of you...LOTS of time and distance Kevin! It's hard, but this is what needs to happen right now, and for the forseeable future! C'mon man! Do it! You HAVE to do this! And you can! But you've got to want to do it bad enough to actually do it!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
No, *you* wait a second. When you start doing things you claim you want to do then maybe more people will be apt to help you out. I am too damn tired of hearing about your W.
Divorce busting is to make the fundamental changes YOU need to make as a person to grow and flourish and be okay no matter what the outcome of your M is. Check the stats - very few marriages come back together once a spouse walks away. The point of DB is to be okay on your own and choose to be happy and BETTER.
You have decided you will only survive if your W is around and you are only doing things so your W will come back. That is not DB'ing. You have not changed a bit and the only changes you have made are for your W (who doesnt care right now).
When you start making this about YOU then things will change. I am over hearing about your W. Its boring. You still cant go 24 hours w/o saying a darn word about her.
Kev, listen well. Do you hear her? Do you hear ME or any of us? I'm in piecing and my M is where it is b/c of DBing. I dont' know if we'll always be together, but my M has been prolonged and probably saved, and it is b/c of DBing. I have said countless times that it was only when I was truly ready to be happy without H, living on my own, moving forward and really began to DB for REAL..I acted as if H was NOT coming back and that I had a choice: be miserable or be happy. I chose to be happy and needed to figure out how to make that so...and I stretched into things I'd dreamed of doing but thought were not realistic or sensible or lacked the time for...blah blah blah I was stuck and got unstuck--so yeah, very diff things from what i was doing before with the law, like (acting, directing, comedy, writing and I switched jobs, etc) and NONE of those choices have anything to do with h, or "us" or getting him back..OMG no, had NOTHING to do with getting him back...and I liked these things so much! In some ways GAL would have been a lot easier if I only had the kids half time like you. No matter, I'm grateful.But if H left me tomorrow, or if he died, I'd be very sad but fine. Really. I love the guy deeply, and through all the rough patches we're still here and We've been M almost 28 years now. So, how can I say if h left or died, that I know I'd be fine, eventually? ..
[color:#CC0000]B/c I am a happy person, and if he left me or died I know that when the time came for me to date again, if it did, I'm a great catch! I'm smart and fun and loving and interesting and interested in a dozen things that have nothing to do with my h or our M but are all about ME...and that's not a bad thing. I BRING THESE INTERESTS AND KNOWLEDGE TO THE TABLE WHEN I MEET PEOPLE....I have something to say and ask...All of these things and activities will exist whether H and I are M or not. They are not FILLERS for when I see h again. If he died, it'd be worse b/c of the kid's loss and the permanence of it all, but again, I'd survive and be fine. [/color] I asked you what you'd do if your wife had died and you never answered, but that IS an answer, and it's a sad one. And a telling answer. You actually believe that DBing's GOAL IS ALL ABOUT GETTING HER BACK??...That is just so sad and wrong. How'd you miss this crucial point? Here's the main point TO ME...
The main point of this site is that by MAKING YOU a better person, MAYBE your spouse will come back BUT BUT BUTyou will know how to be happy regardless of the marital outcome...Kev I know we've told you this a hundred times....It's as if you want to be a writer but you don't know the alphabet...this is pretty basic DB stuff. KEV--honestly, DID YOU really READ THE DB BOOKS?? [/b]
To sum up, DB is about personal growth that helps US to be happier, with ourselves, which increases our attractiveness as a person and generally speaking, healthy people want to be around happy people. IT does not focus on the past so much as what works NOW...that's why it is called "Solution based" therapy....and goes hand in hand WITH some form of c or THERAPY....And That's why DB is better than other approaches at rescuing marriages in trouble--stays in the "now" and goes much faster than years of analysis that looks backward and lets wounds fester and assigns blame, WHEN YOUR WAS HAS LEFT....you need to act fast at that point...
THE sad fact is that most marriages that get serious enough to be HERE, are not going to make it. So we'd be fools to think if we "just say the right DB thing, or act this way for 2 weeks, we'll fix "x" years of crap" and all will be fine....If we "find the secret".....THEN we'll get our spouses back....IF if if...but it's not that way...
Plan A has to be "How to be happy without our spouse" and plan B is "what to do if the spouse comes back"...ironically, by realy truly having and believing in Plan A, some of us find that our M's do get saved, or at least prolonged and not in a bad way... .. Kev you ADMIT you don't know how to be happy without your w. And you want advice on getting her back. But if you cannot be happy without her, THAT IS A FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM...If you cannot or will not solve THAT, then you will get nowhere. And for the record, Guess you were never happy before you met her? I could not love a man who can't be happy without me. My h is lonely when we are apart and misses the kids BUT he IS capable of being happy without me. So let me repeat that to YOU. I would not love or respect a man who could not be happy without me. I BELIEVE your wife feels the same, don't you? But since we have all said this countless times, and you still don't get it, what is the point of us posting to you? J-
And once again you jumped at any tiny crumb she threw your way and agreed at once to the seafood boil. You should have said... "gee W, that sounds great but I have plans, maybe another time". Again, you did nothing to create mystery or show her that you have your own life and that you are just fine w/o her. As much as you annoy her she has you right where she wants you and she knows it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I did read the books over the Christmas holidays. I actually found DR to be more appropriate than DB.
If my W died I'd be devastated. But I would have to move forward. I have 2 kids that would need me more than ever. I would have to rebuild. Eventually I would start dating again.
The difference between a S dying and walking away or having an A in my case and walking away is that when they die, you can at least be at peace with things. When they have an A and walk away, you are still having to live with the ultimate betrayal that never seems to go away.
I don't feel like I can move forward. And no, I wasn't happy before I met her. I simply got by. I did things to occupy my time but I always felt like something was missing until I met her. It was like she completed me. But then I became unhappy again because I didn't appreciate what I had in her. Now I realize how much I should have appreciated her. And now I would give anything to have that opportunity back to show her and prove to her how special she is to me and how much I do truly appreciate her.
I wanted a W so bad and I screwed it up when I got one. Now she is gone and shopping for someone else while getting a life. I'm still committed to her. But I just haven't figured out how to get a life without her that I can enjoy. I'm not sure what I enjoy. I have never really enjoyed anything without her. Now I don't want to do the stuff that we used to do together because it reminds me of her. So I am trying to figure out what do I enjoy. And I don't know. I enjoyed her and I didn't treat her like I should have.
There has to be some way to act fast and get her interested in me again. But it has to be about making me happy without her to have any chance of her coming back. And I do wonder why she didn't finish the D. But you are probably right in that there probably is no reason. Thats hard to imagine. But it is probably the truth.
Today my kids go back to their mom for the week. I will see them Wednesday night for dinner and then next Sunday night again.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
25years MLC nd City Girl will respond to you, I am sure.
You made some telling statements here:
"I am not sure what I enjoy.I have never really enjoyed anything without her"- it sounds like you do not even know who Kevin is and that W was a distraction that allowed you not to focus on your own shortcomings. Instead of developing yourself, you focused all your energies on her.
"I wanted a W so badly and when I got one I screwed it up" - is it possible that you wanted a W, she came along and hey presto? Was she really even the one for you or was she there when you wanted a W? What do you love about her - you have never said this. Was she your first real relationship?
"There has to be some way to act fast and get her interested in me again" - see all of MLCs and City Girl's previous posts to you. In a word, no.
Unless you work on Kevin in a fundamental way,these problems would still resurface even if she came back. You want to apply a band-aid to an incision. It will not work....
