I am so sorry about the delay in getting back; I wanted to take some time to digest what you have written. To say that I am overwhelmed is an understatement. You have taken so much time, care and effort in writing the response and I quite simply cannot begin to thank you enough. It has meant a great deal to me.
Firstly, yes it has been excruciating; the last 5 months.
Nevertheless I am still here, surviving, looking after our D7 and doing some work where I can. Physically I am not in great shape but am trying to rest and the pain is, at the moment, under control so I am grateful. I am seeing my GP/hospital outpatients next week.I have been in so much pain over the last few months; both physically and emotionally. They have operated twice and now cant seem to find anything outwardly sinister but they are doing more tests. I am starting to wonder whether it is stress related; I suspect not fully but am taking everything one day at a time I guess.
It has been 5 months since my husband left and moved in with OW (although he still denies he is permanently there, he seems to be spending most of his time at his XW's house minding their D15 as XW is in Dublin with partner who has been diagnosed with Prostate cancer).So much has happened Sandi; it has unravelled so badly.The initial shock was one thing but my illness, the OW, his behaviour which has meant I have had to apply for a Safety and interim Barring Order etc have traumatised me. I am NOT the sort of person who has even known what these orders are let alone taking them out on someone who I have loved with my whole heart. I am struggling with myself on this one. On one hand I feel that I have been given no option but to take these orders out, H has been abusive and out of control. The other part of me, as a Christian person believes could there have been another way? I know that you believe that this is MLC; yet I am confused myself as to whether it is. He seems ABSOLUTELY RESOLVED about this; as far as I am concerned he has no outward confusion. Everything seems to be running normally in his life; he sees the same people, same friends, same family. The only person that is deleted is me. He does not try to contact me; at the moment he is passing messages, where necessary (issues around D7 etc) through my Mum. I have not seen him for a few days but he looks very tired, sighing a lot, but not in a dilemma. Surely if he was in a crisis it would manifest itself more outwardly, more people would see a struggle in him? He has been coming to do the gardening here at the house, mowing the lawn, weeding etc.Hw wanders around the house looking at things; seemingly uncomfortable and a bit lost.He is offering to put money towards the bills, and to even switch phone providers as our last bill was very high. Why is he bothering to help? Does this mean a reconnection with us and the house, or has he moved on and is just wanting to be kind and to take care of responsibilities without any emotional residue or attachment? I don't know; I guess I should accept this gratefully? Yet I am not in the same place that he is, he doesn't seem angry anymore, just very pleasant to my mother, civilised and wanting to get on. I feel numb inside and so hurt.Do WAS/MLC people behave like this?
Our D7 has been good in the last few days. I was a little teary last night, I try so hard to keep things from her but I was in pain and very tired, I was crying a little. She got upset and said she just wants her family back together, she wants us to be able to have a family photo so that she can look at it every day, she said that she wants her Daddy to come home. she loves us both so much. She knows that Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore and she wants me to get over it, someday. But she is struggling. I am being as upbeat as what I can be under the circumstances but sometimes I am overwhelmed with what it has done to her life. I want our family together again too. I never wanted this to happen.
Yes Sandi, I was away for my work/career. I have spent the last 5 years working hard at my career and trying to get my PHD so that we may ALL benefit from it.I am a classical musician (pianist) and i have worked my whole life to get to where I am now. I have just won a visiting fellow award to Harvard starting, if I take it up, in the new academic year. I should be proud of myself, happy and I am. But I have been hit with the truth of my life and that is my family. I have tried to love and care for them in the best way that I have known, and that obviously wasn't enough.There has obviously been a huge gap in communication between my husband and myself in that he couldn't let me know how unhappy HE was (although he consistently told me how unhappy he was with my parenting) and I couldn't let him know just how much I MISSED HIM when I was away in London, and how MUCH I MISSED OUR D.And now, by his own admission, its TOO F%%^&&IN LITTLE AND TOO F&&%�IN LATE. It is a tragedy in our lives. But he is making it too late. I have turned my life around and he is seeing that every day. But maybe people do get to a point when no matter what the other person does, they are done? Or, if he truly is in crisis, and his anger is still so apparent, then as you say, he may resent the change.
I believe that God wants the best for all of our lives. I am trying to let go and let God which is hard but small steps every day, small steps. I look at the damage that has happened even since he has left and wonder just how can God bring us back together. It seems impossible that people can find another in a new relationship after so much hurt, betrayal etc. Has anyone got any views on that? I am confused, does dropping the rope still mean that I can leave the door open and stand for my marriage. Is he someone I should even want to be married to? I am confused and I guess I just have to be in that at the moment. The man I married is gone, my marriage that I knew is gone. I understand all of that.I just have to try and move forward in the best way I can with as much dignity as I can. I am getting better about the OW, she features less in my mind which is good, what can I do about it anyway. I got a letter from my L yesterday with a bill for 20,000 euro and I nearly died. I have only been with them 4 months and I haven't even begun legal proceedings at this stage; except for court around safety/barring orders etc.I had done my sums and I had estimated around 6,000, around three of which has already been paid. I do not have any money as it is, and my family are not that wealthy so I will have to appeal this to the circuit court here for assessment.
I guess I am just tired, and upset. I have never even wanted this and yet he has dragged me, my D and my family (especially my mother who has gone through her life savings trying to get us through in the last 5 months) and I am tired and hurt by him. This is not the man that I married.
I am not sure whether I have made a lot of sense here! I have just wanted to respond as honestly as I could. I am working hard everyday to be strong, to see the positives in my life of which there are many, and to assume that he probably wont return, it helps in some ways to know that he is in crisis, even though I don't want him to be in pain.
I just want some peace at the moment, to rest and to grieve and to work out what I can do to make my life the best it can be.
Thank you all for your kindness, and I will be looking in on other threads, I want to start helping others.
