Divorce looming #14

[25yearsmlc]

No, *you* wait a second. When you start doing things you claim you want to do then maybe more people will be apt to help you out. I am too damn tired of hearing about your W.

Divorce busting is to make the fundamental changes YOU need to make as a person to grow and flourish and be okay no matter what the outcome of your M is. Check the stats - very few marriages come back together once a spouse walks away. The point of DB is to be okay on your own and choose to be happy and BETTER.

You have decided you will only survive if your W is around and you are only doing things so your W will come back. That is not DB'ing. You have not changed a bit and the only changes you have made are for your W (who doesnt care right now).

When you start making this about YOU then things will change. I am over hearing about your W. Its boring. You still cant go 24 hours w/o saying a darn word about her.

Kev, listen well. Do you hear her? Do you hear ME or any of us? I'm in piecing and my M is where it is b/c of DBing. I dont' know if we'll always be together, but my M has been prolonged and probably saved, and it is b/c of DBing. I have said countless times that it was only when I was truly ready to be happy without H, living on my own, moving forward and really began to DB for REAL..I acted as if H was NOT coming back and that I had a choice: be miserable or be happy. I chose to be happy and needed to figure out how to make that so...and I stretched into things I'd dreamed of doing but thought were not realistic or sensible or lacked the time for...blah blah blah I was stuck and got unstuck--so yeah, very diff things from what i was doing before with the law, like (acting, directing, comedy, writing and I switched jobs, etc) and NONE of those choices have anything to do with h, or "us" or getting him back..OMG no, had NOTHING to do with getting him back...and I liked these things so much! In some ways GAL would have been a lot easier if I only had the kids half time like you. No matter, I'm grateful. But if H left me tomorrow, or if he died, I'd be very sad but fine. Really. I love the guy deeply, and through all the rough patches we're still here and We've been M almost 28 years now. So, how can I say if h left or died, that I know I'd be fine, eventually? ..

[color:#CC0000]B/c I am a happy person, and if he left me or died I know that when the time came for me to date again, if it did, I'm a great catch! I'm smart and fun and loving and interesting and interested in a dozen things that have nothing to do with my h or our M but are all about ME...and that's not a bad thing. I BRING THESE INTERESTS AND KNOWLEDGE TO THE TABLE WHEN I MEET PEOPLE....I have something to say and ask... All of these things and activities will exist whether H and I are M or not. They are not FILLERS for when I see h again. If he died, it'd be worse b/c of the kid's loss and the permanence of it all, but again, I'd survive and be fine.
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I asked you what you'd do if your wife had died and you never answered, but that IS an answer, and it's a sad one. And a telling answer. You actually believe that DBing's GOAL IS ALL ABOUT GETTING HER BACK??...That is just so sad and wrong. How'd you miss this crucial point? Here's the main point TO ME...

The main point of this site is that by MAKING YOU a better person, MAYBE your spouse will come back BUT BUT BUT you will know how to be happy regardless of the marital outcome...Kev I know we've told you this a hundred times....It's as if you want to be a writer but you don't know the alphabet...this is pretty basic DB stuff. KEV--honestly, DID YOU really READ THE DB BOOKS?? [/b]

To sum up, DB is about personal growth that helps US to be happier, with ourselves, which increases our attractiveness as a person and generally speaking, healthy people want to be around happy people. IT does not focus on the past so much as what works NOW...that's why it is called "Solution based" therapy....and goes hand in hand WITH some form of c or THERAPY....And That's why DB is better than other approaches at rescuing marriages in trouble--stays in the "now" and goes much faster than years of analysis that looks backward and lets wounds fester and assigns blame, WHEN YOUR WAS HAS LEFT....you need to act fast at that point...

THE sad fact is that most marriages that get serious enough to be HERE, are not going to make it. So we'd be fools to think if we "just say the right DB thing, or act this way for 2 weeks, we'll fix "x" years of crap" and all will be fine....If we "find the secret".....THEN we'll get our spouses back....IF if if...but it's not that way...

Plan A has to be "How to be happy without our spouse" and plan B is "what to do if the spouse comes back"...ironically, by realy truly having and believing in Plan A, some of us find that our M's do get saved, or at least prolonged and not in a bad way... ..
Kev you ADMIT you don't know how to be happy without your w. And you want advice on getting her back. But if you cannot be happy without her, THAT IS A FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM...If you cannot or will not solve THAT, then you will get nowhere. And for the record, Guess you were never happy before you met her? I could not love a man who can't be happy without me. My h is lonely when we are apart and misses the kids BUT he IS capable of being happy without me. So let me repeat that to YOU. I would not love or respect a man who could not be happy without me. I BELIEVE your wife feels the same, don't you? But since we have all said this countless times, and you still don't get it, what is the point of us posting to you?
J-

And once again you jumped at any tiny crumb she threw your way and agreed at once to the seafood boil. You should have said... "gee W, that sounds great but I have plans, maybe another time". Again, you did nothing to create mystery or show her that you have your own life and that you are just fine w/o her. As much as you annoy her she has you right where she wants you and she knows it.