Don't Let Them Eat Cake

[Dawn of Hope]

IL,
Glad you don't feel hijacked! I can get a bit long-winded and I talk about myself too much sometimes.

I don't try to advise anyone on kid-related issues because I don't feel qualified, but I know other people on here can do so.

DETACH, DETACH, DETACH!! This is IMPERATIVE...but it takes time and practice. There's a link on the main DB page to an article MWD wrote, which is called something like "Maybe he's just teething." That might be helpful, even though it's not focused on detaching so much by name.

No surprise at all that you are growing through this mess...our spouses are the ones "in crisis," but we are the ones who get the lessons and the growth (at least until they start waking up). One of the problems is that later, when the MLCer does start to come out of their tunnel, the LBS has grown so much that the MLCer has to scramble to catch up...if the LBS is even willing to give them the opportunity by that point; many have given up and left the MLCer in their dust by then.

Keep working on yourself, working to make yourself a better person by any means available. Work on becoming the person you were truly meant to be--someone you like and are proud of. Rediscover the parts of your authentic self--your interests, your playfulness, your passions, whatever those things might be for you--that got lost along the way. Do it for YOU, not for your H or anyone else, or it won't last. The only person that will absolutely, without a doubt, be with you for your whole life is YOU, so make that companion someone you like to live with!

And I should really take my own advice...

I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to say here, but it sounds like you are a person of faith, so if you haven't already, look up a lady named Charlyne Steinkamp, who has been in a restored marriage for over 20 years. She and her H have a ministry to other people of faith who are standing for the restoration of their broken Ms, and they have lots of resources, including a daily devotional (no charge). You can do a search on her name or "Charlyne Cares" and you will find them. I consider the resources they offer to be a faith-based complement to all of the wonderful help available through DB (although there is no direct connection of which I am aware).

If you can scrape together the funds, the DB coaches are _unbelievably_ helpful and can give you focused, DB-based advice based on your particular circumstances. They have a gift for cutting through the muck and summarizing what YOU need to do for your sitch...and they somehow manage to make you feel stronger and more positive every time you talk to them! I had six sessions with Jody, and it was some of the most effective money I have ever spent. I might not have a restored M yet, but I felt that the advice I got helped me to know what to do to give myself the best possible outcome, for myself and for my M, and it's nowhere near over yet...H and I are both still alive, and even still legally M, after all! I have heard praise for the coaches from everyone who has worked with one of them--they are great! Get the multi-session package if you can manage it--it really helps to have those follow-ups. And no, DB doesn't pay me for saying this stuff!

Be prepared for the hardest (and possibly the longest) battle of your life...but remember that you only have to take it a day at a time, or even an hour or a minute at a time, if needed. And remember that you have a wealth of resources available to help you along the way...prayer being one of the top ones. And you can always come here and yell for some more direct advice if you need it!

Hang in there!

Peace,
Dawn