Should you? Is there something posted? Do you two keep a joint calendar? Did she clearly say or email something? If so, then you have a problem. Otherwise she is assuming mind-reading skills which most of us men don't have or trying to blame-shift.
"...Your lack of communication has once again caused a problem."
You say: You first notified her by email on May 27, then once more, and SHE did not respond. In turn she has not told you about any of her plans.
If you feel she's blowin' smoke then tell her sorry, but plans have been made already. Suggest you either continue plans as is or have her help pay the change fees. Otherwise if you should have known something then prepare to eat some crow (prepare "Well Done" 180 degrees - those things are full of bugs).
Nonetheless there is a communication problem, either with you not paying attention and/or she not responding and both of you need to work on it. Read each others emails. Sign up for an online calendar where both of you have access. Text. Call. Whatever. You're in a business arrangement now.
Maybe others have a better approach.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
She is a tough one, isn't she? Sounds like how my W was a couple years ago.
Don't roll over. Try to negotiate in good faith, like you said you would. Ignore her jab about you again causing a problem.
How about:
"We seem to be stuck. I'd hope we can work this out in a way that's acceptable to both of us. I sent you a message on May 27 telling you about my plans for the end of June. Since I didn't hear back from you, I assumed it was okay, so I made reservations and finalized my schedule at work. I had no idea you wanted to take the kids at the end of June. It would be very difficult for me to change my plans now just two weeks away. If I can keep my plans for the end of June, I'd be happy to let you have the kids at the end of July. That way, we each get something we wanted. Can we compromise on this?"
Sounds like you're doing all the right things, and embracing the right attitude. It sure doesn't take the hurt away, but makes it tolerable, and it will slowly get better as time goes by. The softball thing sounds perfect. It's important for us to continually remind ourselves that we can be happy and have a good life without our W. Life goes on. They were not some magic force that made our lives perfect. We regret our past behavior, that hurts. We miss them, that hurts. We're lonely, that hurts. Right now we see them as the key to taking away all that pain, but slowly we take control back and find out we can heal that pain ourselves.
Your W is on her journey, and whereas sometimes it might feel like you're just waiting for her, you are on your own journey now too. Just think how different you feel now compared to a month ago! One month from now will look and feel different from now.
Hi futureunknown.
I'm doing my best to do the right things, and also to embrace the right attitude. Nope, the hurt is still there...and I hope it continues to get better with time. I'm really enjoying the softball and comaraderie! I'm gonna have a good and happy life...I intend to. I hope it's with the mother of my children...if not, then I'll have to go on and continue to do my best. She did complement me, and I was fortunate to have her...to deny that would be dishonest. I do regret my past behavior, and it does hurt. Yep, I do miss her a bunch, and it does hurt. Yeah, I'm lonely, and it hurts. I want to heal, and I want the pain to go away. I want her to heal...regardless...and I want her pain to go away...regardless. I want to be happy, strong, secure, powerful, confident, and assertive...instead of feeling the way I have since about last December.
Thanks for the different perspective, because I do feel like I'm just waiting for her. I am much better than I was a month ago...and hopefully a month from now I'll be much better than I am now. I know she's on her journey too.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Should you? Is there something posted? Do you two keep a joint calendar? Did she clearly say or email something? If so, then you have a problem. Otherwise she is assuming mind-reading skills which most of us men don't have or trying to blame-shift.
"...Your lack of communication has once again caused a problem."
You say: You first notified her by email on May 27, then once more, and SHE did not respond. In turn she has not told you about any of her plans.
If you feel she's blowin' smoke then tell her sorry, but plans have been made already. Suggest you either continue plans as is or have her help pay the change fees. Otherwise if you should have known something then prepare to eat some crow (prepare "Well Done" 180 degrees - those things are full of bugs).
Nonetheless there is a communication problem, either with you not paying attention and/or she not responding and both of you need to work on it. Read each others emails. Sign up for an online calendar where both of you have access. Text. Call. Whatever. You're in a business arrangement now.
Maybe others have a better approach.
I don't know anything about her schedule anymore, as far as time off goes. There is nothing posted, there is no joint calender, she did not clearly say anything or E-mail anything!
I did notify her by E-mail on May 27th, and she did not respond. I notified her again last night with a new vacation request, and she responded with the E-mail that I shared with you.
I want to continue with the June plans as is, and I'll change my vacation request for the end of July.
There is a communication problem regardinjg this kind of stuff that that both of us need to work on.
I appreciate you responding...it's helpful.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She is a tough one, isn't she? Sounds like how my W was a couple years ago.
Don't roll over. Try to negotiate in good faith, like you said you would. Ignore her jab about you again causing a problem.
How about:
"We seem to be stuck. I'd hope we can work this out in a way that's acceptable to both of us. I sent you a message on May 27 telling you about my plans for the end of June. Since I didn't hear back from you, I assumed it was okay, so I made reservations and finalized my schedule at work. I had no idea you wanted to take the kids at the end of June. It would be very difficult for me to change my plans now just two weeks away. If I can keep my plans for the end of June, I'd be happy to let you have the kids at the end of July. That way, we each get something we wanted. Can we compromise on this?"
That's the best I got right now. Good luck!
Yep, she wields a lot of power since she left. She was never like that before.
I want to negotiate in good faith, like I said I would. I won't respond to her jab.
I really like your response futureunknown. Your best is pretty darn good...I think I'll use it later on tonight when I E-mail a response to her.
Thanks for helping.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She is a tough one, isn't she? Sounds like how my W was a couple years ago.
Don't roll over. Try to negotiate in good faith, like you said you would. Ignore her jab about you again causing a problem.
How about:
"We seem to be stuck. I'd hope we can work this out in a way that's acceptable to both of us. I sent you a message on May 27 telling you about my plans for the end of June. Since I didn't hear back from you, I assumed it was okay, so I made reservations and finalized my schedule at work. I had no idea you wanted to take the kids at the end of June. It would be very difficult for me to change my plans now just two weeks away. If I can keep my plans for the end of June, I'd be happy to let you have the kids at the end of July. That way, we each get something we wanted. Can we compromise on this?"
That's the best I got right now. Good luck!
I agree. Rolling over to her demands would not be good. But I would avoid using the phrase "I assumed" in your message to her. Assuming is never good and should not be done, especially when it comes to a WAS. I would let her know a workable solution can be reached but it will only be reached by both of you offering something and not just her dictating how things will be.
This is a prime example of a WAS wanting the freedom of being single but the perks of marriage. How would you know what her schedule and plans were THIS YEAR unless things were communicated to you? Things change from year to year yet the WAS wants the perks of you knowing what is going on for her. Sorry WAS, you lost that right when you left.
To avoid problems in the future of this nature you should also mutually agree on a "deadline" to make future vacation plans w/the children as last minute changes are costly, cause conflict and make things difficult with planned vacation time from work.
She is a tough one, isn't she? Sounds like how my W was a couple years ago.
Don't roll over. Try to negotiate in good faith, like you said you would. Ignore her jab about you again causing a problem.
How about:
"We seem to be stuck. I'd hope we can work this out in a way that's acceptable to both of us. I sent you a message on May 27 telling you about my plans for the end of June. Since I didn't hear back from you, I assumed it was okay, so I made reservations and finalized my schedule at work. I had no idea you wanted to take the kids at the end of June. It would be very difficult for me to change my plans now just two weeks away. If I can keep my plans for the end of June, I'd be happy to let you have the kids at the end of July. That way, we each get something we wanted. Can we compromise on this?"
That's the best I got right now. Good luck!
I agree. Rolling over to her demands would not be good. But I would avoid using the phrase "I assumed" in your message to her. Assuming is never good and should not be done, especially when it comes to a WAS. I would let her know a workable solution can be reached but it will only be reached by both of you offering something and not just her dictating how things will be.
This is a prime example of a WAS wanting the freedom of being single but the perks of marriage. How would you know what her schedule and plans were THIS YEAR unless things were communicated to you? Things change from year to year yet the WAS wants the perks of you knowing what is going on for her. Sorry WAS, you lost that right when you left.
To avoid problems in the future of this nature you should also mutually agree on a "deadline" to make future vacation plans w/the children as last minute changes are costly, cause conflict and make things difficult with planned vacation time from work.
CityGirl...what would you say then, instead of using the word 'assumed' in the sentence that futureunknown posted?
I don't want to rollover to her demands. They're unreasonable. I don't mind working with her on a solution though. I'd like to go ahead with our plans for ther end of June, and then reschedule for July so she can have the around the end of that month. She wields some power since she left, and she likes dictating things to me. She was never like that before she left. It was always me who did the dictating. And I realize it was just as unreasonable for me to be doing it!
I have no idea what her schedule and her plans are/were!
We should mutually agree to have better communication regardinmg things like this too! That will avoid last minute changes and conflict and difficulties all the way around.
Thank you for responding CityGirl. How are you doing?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I wouldnt use anything. I would just note that you had sent a message on 5/27 and since you have not heard back with any objection you went ahead and made plans. I suppose there is a chance she never got the messsage but the chances of that are slim. Nine days is ample time to return a message, especially one that is so important. Clearly she thinks her time is of more value than yours so nip that in the bud right away.
I am ok - thanks for asking. I still really havent spoken to my new attny since my other attny left the firm. Still have some lupus related issues I am dealing with. My H e-mailed me earlier this week just to chat and I was polite but didnt feel like walking down memory lane with him. So far he has said he would do three things over the course of the last 3 weeks and he has done none so no chit chat for him. I just dont respect him enough to make chit chat and his constant bad behavior, cliches and BS just makes me ill. And there is no reason for us to be discussing a lawsuit anyhow - that is what our attnys are for.
I am good though - got a few things brewing once this divorce is final so we will see how things go!
I wouldnt use anything. I would just note that you had sent a message on 5/27 and since you have not heard back with any objection you went ahead and made plans. I suppose there is a chance she never got the messsage but the chances of that are slim. Nine days is ample time to return a message, especially one that is so important. Clearly she thinks her time is of more value than yours so nip that in the bud right away.
I am ok - thanks for asking. I still really havent spoken to my new attny since my other attny left the firm. Still have some lupus related issues I am dealing with. My H e-mailed me earlier this week just to chat and I was polite but didnt feel like walking down memory lane with him. So far he has said he would do three things over the course of the last 3 weeks and he has done none so no chit chat for him. I just dont respect him enough to make chit chat and his constant bad behavior, cliches and BS just makes me ill. And there is no reason for us to be discussing a lawsuit anyhow - that is what our attnys are for.
I am good though - got a few things brewing once this divorce is final so we will see how things go!
I think I'm gonna modify futureunknown's response with some of yours, and send it later on tonight. I won't use the word 'assume'. She got the message because the kids mentioned it about a week ago. I don't know why she didn't respond to it. We've been having decent communication regarding the kids...she's even said 'thank you' and has been civil. Communication has been texting...short and to the point.
I'm glad you're OK. Sorry about the health problems...not to mention the attorney problems. I'm sorry that things aren't better with your husband right now. I'm also sorry that you're getting a divorce...unless it's what you wanted. I appreciate your input CityGirl. Was wondering about you since I haven't seen you post for a while.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
To be honest, I haven't read alot of the DB materials so I can't be sure.
GAL- which I assume is getting a life- well he was already gone enough so that wouldn't have worked on me at all.
What I wanted to see was a partnership- someone who valued me- respected me- and most importantly someone who wanted to meet my needs. Someone who listened to me and took the time to intimately know me.
I came here just primarily to help men who might need my perspective.
Kittyfish, I've read some of your posts. Your situation is very much like my wife's, except she wasn't nearly as aggressive as you were. Could you check out my posts as well and give me some feedback? My wife's current position is that she is "done", she doesn't believe people can change and right now doesn't care that I want to change. Any ideas on how I might be able to break through to her?
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
