I am not sure that I can give you any advice. I'll leave that for the more experienced Dbusters since I am still a babe in the woods.
About your H feeling he is the victim. The truth is at some point both spouses feel they are the victim.I still have momenst of poor victim me and I HAVE TO SNAP OUT OF IT. Perhaps he just hasn't evolved to the point where he sees hoW he contributed to the sitch. It is a process and they will get there when they get there.
I see a lot of frustration in your posts. And anger, which is to be expected. I think the anger is healthy and you have to work through it. Even now, altough I have accepted my sitch I still get bursts of anger and I will throw something non breakable on the floor or against the wall. Or play an "angry girl" song. Our sitchs require lots of PATIENCE or you will simply make yourself ill. I think talking to a counsellor individually is a great idea. Journalling helps with anger - writing angry letters and shredding them.
This may be funny to some. Whenever I feel angry, I say "God I am so angry at him because of x,y,z.Please take this anger" And I usually feel better. I don't know if you would want to try this.
I know some people LIKE to feel anger as it fuels them but that is not for me. I know that I like to obsess about things so if I focus on anger I would definitely be headed to the ER. So I choose not to.
Who knows what goes on in your H's mind? None of us. So don't even try to go there.
Sorry I don't have any real concrete advice to offer but maybe some of the others can help out.
