DID I DO THE RIGHT THING? - Need your help please!
My H called me today at work and said I wanted to check in to see if it's ok with you if I go to the lake. I said you can do whatever you want. He said he thought he should check in and besides I seemed so angry this morning.
I told him I was upset about his comments about home being so uncomfortable for him that he felt like he couldn't breathe but yet he was initiating s with me. He said I've been so different playful and fun that it freaked him out and then he also said he feels bad afterwards. Same old issue afraid we'll go back to status quo. He said maybe we shouldn't have s anymore for awhile. I told him I'd already decided that this morning that I was feeling the need to protect myself. He seemed surprised but then quickly recovered and said I think that's a good decision.
I was very open and honest and told him I know he didn't mean anything by it during our session last night that he was just trying to cool some of the tension (the joke about - want to have s tonight?) but comments and other things he does come across as he's playing games. He said that's not his intent and I said well that's how it comes across sometimes.
I also told him that his comment about trying to work on things for 2 yrs and the ending up back where we started would never happen because I am not willing to let this go on for that long. He quickly said I was just using an example not a literal number. I told him that I'm committed to counseling and working on things through the end of the year. At the end of the year if we haven't made any progress I think in January we need to sit down and re-evaluate our situation. I don't know maybe some (or all of you) will think that is a mistake.
He mentioned again the whole moving out idea. He said but it seems like when people do that they usually don't move back in and I'm afraid of making a decision I'll regret. So sounds like he's at least not there yet.
He did make the comment today that he doesn't know what he wants or what he thinks about anything anymore. Classic MLC?!
I've decided to schedule an individual appt. witn the counselor for myself just to work on my own issues. I really think he would benefit from an individual session to work through all his anger and mixed up feelings. I'll never suggest it though because he hears that as the problem is all his.
I told him that it was probably good that he was going to the lake. He launched into the fact that the air conditioning has supposedly been fixed, he needs to get the window one out of there in case the real estate agents bring someone there - blan, blah, excuses for running away to the lake. I said I have to be honest I just wasn't sure how I was going to be able to come home tonight.
He said well I guess I'll see you on Sunday. And that's how the call ended. Total of 15 minutes.
I have mixed emotions. I feel good about standing up for myself and expressing my feelings. I feel weepy because the whole thing is just so sad. I'm disappointed in myself that I let it get to this point that I checked out of my marriage. And I'm disappointed him because he's playing the victim.
Could we talk some more, blah blah! UHH!! I finally stand up for myself a little and then I start having second thoughts like maybe I didn't handle things well. See my post from 2:2 pm today. I also told him that I was going to take the counselor up on her offer to do an individual counseling if that was OK with him.
We talked a little more about things. He said earlier when he called me I sounded like I could care less of he was around or not. I told him that was not my intention.
He also said he's angry that it took him threatening to leave for me to "come out of my comma" as I've described it. Gee - that's why it's called a wake-up call!
I should of just left things alone and let him think about what I said this morning. I've asked my best friend to hold me accountable this weekend for not calling him.
Guess who had to call me because he forgot his key to the condo! Now you know it was killing him that he had to call me. I had to look up the number for the office so he could see if they were there so he could pick up a spare key. If not, he may be at a hotel tonight. Sucks to be him! I know I shouldn't be enjoying this! I just game him the information he needs and got off the phone.
Weighed myself after working out tonight - it's been awhile. I've gone down one pants size and tonight I see that I've lost 10 lbs! Made my day!
It's such a relief not to have him here. I may be actually able to relax this weekend! I think it will be my turn to go to the lake next weekend - especially if the air conditioning is fixed!
My H just called for the 3rd time since about 6:45 tonight. He just wanted me to know that he thought he was going to be able to get into the condo tonight.
I was pleasant and told him I appreciated him letting me know.
Really wasn't expecting him to call. Who knows how this man's mind works anymore! I don't think even knows!
I am not sure that I can give you any advice. I'll leave that for the more experienced Dbusters since I am still a babe in the woods.
About your H feeling he is the victim. The truth is at some point both spouses feel they are the victim.I still have momenst of poor victim me and I HAVE TO SNAP OUT OF IT. Perhaps he just hasn't evolved to the point where he sees hoW he contributed to the sitch. It is a process and they will get there when they get there.
I see a lot of frustration in your posts. And anger, which is to be expected. I think the anger is healthy and you have to work through it. Even now, altough I have accepted my sitch I still get bursts of anger and I will throw something non breakable on the floor or against the wall. Or play an "angry girl" song. Our sitchs require lots of PATIENCE or you will simply make yourself ill. I think talking to a counsellor individually is a great idea. Journalling helps with anger - writing angry letters and shredding them.
This may be funny to some. Whenever I feel angry, I say "God I am so angry at him because of x,y,z.Please take this anger" And I usually feel better. I don't know if you would want to try this.
I know some people LIKE to feel anger as it fuels them but that is not for me. I know that I like to obsess about things so if I focus on anger I would definitely be headed to the ER. So I choose not to.
Who knows what goes on in your H's mind? None of us. So don't even try to go there.
Sorry I don't have any real concrete advice to offer but maybe some of the others can help out.
