Help! Want direct feedback from walk away wive/s

[FightingFit]

ok i just realised you are in australia too... ANYWAY

doh my bad. well its hard to get around this place with so many users and i am NOT tech savvy on who is who or even how to keep in touch with people

SORRY

i do remember you, and your situation which was extremely painful btw. im not a liar, but i was once a cheater (and a virgin bride at that so go figure, as well as a catholic.) puppy dog made a comment to me that i seemd to be 'speaking out both sides of my mouth". well I AM to a large degree - ive been on both sides.

mistakes, very big mistakes, can happen, often due to extreme mental stress - in my case I didnt know what was going on w me - but NOW i know I had a malfunctioning thryoid that went overactive and nearly killed me and made me insane and was misdiagnosed with panic attacks and put onto strong meds for anxiety i didnt need - which drove me almost to the edge as i felt NOTHING - a baby that had a cancer scare, a H that accused me of cheating when i absolutely wasnt - it all added up to an explosive mix and imho i had a breakdown...

in short i am more compassionate to those who cheat if they arent normally like that - if thats really weird abnormal behaviour then i really wonder - you have to wonder - are they OK!!!! they might think so - but years might tell a different story. so yeah Im more kinder in my views than other people are. at the end of the day you have to live with yourself and your god and morals etc and really, its a terrible burden if you acted v out of character = you spend many many hours staring at the ceiling wondering what your capable of. ie "i never saw myself ever doing this so i wonder what else i could do". its a loss of the soul. its really hard.

i know thats hard to hear for the one cheated on - they have enough pain of their own and excuses arent good enough. but a long term marriage - if you know your wife - your h - you know this is weird - well maybe IT IS weird and you should try to give them some patience n tolerance. what if they arent WELL what if they are just - LOST. it does happen, and you know, power to those who are strong enough to lead their spouse back without retaining anger.

from my pov, i guess a man needs more 'proof' than a woman. we just feel we know really in our hearts already but i guess mentally men need to 'see it'.

fyi my H didnt expose me to my family. I EXPOSED ME to ym family. and i did that when he did HIS mlc walkout - bc i wanted it known "im not an angel" five years ago i did this. it was hard and it hurt a lot, but i told everyone inc kids. not everyone will be able to live comfortably in a lie.

sometimes mercy isnt a bad thing. its individual. my x has done very badly by me. 3 kids single no pension no contact no child support. related child OW. but tho i know the M is over - yes i believe i know people can break down - let evil in - my pwn experience saw me believe that. yes id forgive. people can make very bad mistakes. im not god. its not my place to judge and damn to hell.

self respect is very important but righteous anger can lead to just as much damage as you fear by being forgiving. 'weak' even. i also know THAT. its true kids should not be given the wrong lessons - but kids should also be taught love and forgiveness is what family is all about. and all kids should forgive their parents; they are after all just human and still their parents

[BigJohn]

GH31,

We live in California, USA, which is a no fault divorce state.

BTW, she has already been exposed to both sides of our family, many of our friends as well as our pastor. This has not made much of a difference. Everyone is telling her to give me a second chance and drop the OM but her response is the hell with what everyone else says and wants, she wants to be happy (eventually) with the OM. She has also said that if it doesn't work out with OM (her true objective), she'll be fine being single raising our kids (fantasy backup plan).

Right now my wife is half out of her head in fantasyland running on emotional auto pilot. It hasn't helped that the OM recontacted this past Thursday either. Appears he has had second thoughts about stopping contact with her. Appears my hunch about their previous prior contact was spot on- she probably promised to marry the guy or some other outlandish promise. Anyway, I've recently gone dark and am trying to detach from her right now and get control of my emotions (i.e. mostly frustration and anger).

Question: Any ideas/opinions about the OM? I know that he is not the main problem, but a couple of my friends are suggesting a confrontation over the phone with him or nasty email. Don't see much value in that as he (as well as currently my wife) already have very little shame about their affair.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Don't contact the OM -- ESPECIALLY if it's not in person. It will be seen by the two of them as WEAK, and they'll probably have a good laugh at your expense.

It also elevates him in importance beyond what he should be, and that's a pimple on your azz.

If you want to confront someone, I suggest you confront your wife.

Puppy

[BigJohn]

Don't contact the OM -- ESPECIALLY if it's not in person. It will be seen by the two of them as WEAK, and they'll probably have a good laugh at your expense.

It also elevates him in importance beyond what he should be, and that's a pimple on your azz.

If you want to confront someone, I suggest you confront your wife.

Puppy

Yes, my thoughts exactly re: OM who by the way lives in another state. Regarding an in-person confrontation, I've thought of having an associate contact this OM at his workplace. Don't know how effective that would be though- he works in construction. Regarding my wife, well, I've confronted her numerous times and she's not interested in giving the OM up.

[BigJohn]

I think you should consider just THREATENING to exposing her and taking a hard line...

(Already have. See my prior post.)

actually I think you have it all on your side, this man isnt even in your state. thats cool! hard to get physical when they arent available. also, that tells me your wife is mostly just wanting to be wanted and desired and appreciated, and probably its quite convenient for her that hes miles away.

(Yes, his being in another state limits the chances of a physical encounter- which I do not believe has happened. But she is in love with him, says she wants a divorce and my understanding is that he is apparently willing to wait for her.)

in your case you need to take a HARD LINE but dont go TOO hard TOO fast. this isnt physical! (or do you suspect it was?) tell her your done and she can pack her stuff and get out if she doesnt cease and desist... NOW. AND tell her you have evidence (tell her that even if you dont) and will expose her. ALSO tell her you'll confront this man.

(Have already told her to get out several times and go see him by herself but she keeps saying "I'm not going anywhere without the kids." No, she is not bluffing- she would go see him if I agreed to have her take the kids with her- she'd dump them off at my in laws while she went to have fun with the OM.)

and while your at it please confront this lowlife! ring this guy and tell him to P OFF! dont lie down quietly - kick up some FUSS with this man. He might not be so KEEN once he knows your sniffing all over this! also tell him she gets nothing and no money if she leaves so he can forget it - he sounds like a user; maybe hes out to feather his nest???

(He is a lowlife and has supposedly already told my wife he could care less what I say or do. The guy has no pride and no shame. Oh, but he's a great guy according to my wife.)

SOME MEN become OP's to get whats YOURS. tell this idiot he gets nothing that belongs to you, now or ever, due to the evidence you have. be FIERCE in that. if theres nothing in it for him he might let go. just listening to his MO by what you said, hes JUST the type to think your wife might be able to set him up WITH YOUR MONEY.

(The main thing he wants is my wife, don't think he really cares too much about anything else.)

you cut that dream short. also act like, if this ENDS NOW, i will forgive you but if it DOESNT, i will never ever speak to you again and you will never see me again in ALL YOUR DAYS. I will CUT YOU loose. say this with conviction! you have a long history its GOING to hurt like mad!

(She appears adamant that she wants a divorce- very hard hearted right now. Problem is, she doesn't know what the hell she is talking about. I'm a child of divorce myself, I know all too well the devastation divorce brings.)

[Kittyfish]

She's still in the fog of the affair. Did you say that he's an old boyfriend from HS?

[BigJohn]

She's still in the fog of the affair. Did you say that he's an old boyfriend from HS?

Hey Kittyfish good to hear from you! yes, he is a boyfriend she had right after HS. They were off/on for over one year before he finally dropped her. He was a loser then who at age 40 has now decided to "reform" and is ready for marriage/family etc. According to my wife early in the EA, he is the only man she would ever consider leaving me for.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How special.

[futureunknown]

What's with women leaving their husbands for men they knew in their teenage years? This is an epidemic! Stupid freakin' Internet!

I was totally in love with a girl in high school too, but she holds no secret power over me now. I certainly wouldn't break up my family for her! The whole real substance of my life has been after I knew her.

[BigJohn]

How special.

I know, it pisses me off too! I haven't been the perfect husband but overall have done well, treated people well and have lived a good life. Enter this slug into our lives who very recently (supposedly) has cleaned up his act to be a good boy. According to my wife, this scumbag can change for the better, but I can't because "people don't change". Unbelievable!!!