Still Having Hope

[Sonni 2]

Hi Sodderly, thanks for the reply.
I feel really great about how things are in my life other that with R. I have gotten into making things in stained glass and have sold a few pieces for good money. I have gotten a new job ( well almost new, will be there a year in Aug) that I really enjoy and am able to make good money that I haven't been able to do in years.Found a church that I enjoy but I have not gotten involved with there activities, but do like the services.
The kids still live with me so there seems to always be something going on with them and there friends coming and going.Spend a lot of time with the youngest D.
I have lost some weight without realizing that I was so that is good. Hoping to keep it going at a slow pace so it doesn't come back. Still love going to flea markets and auctions and a few yard sales.Have a few close girlfriends that I do things with. So I guess that I would say that my life is full.

The visits to home have almost stopped all together. He might come by once a month. Now he will come to the house to do something with our son and they leave, but to just come to visit, not often. So like I said,I am concerned, he just seems to be getting farther and farther away from us. I almost wish that he had been this distant in the beginning instead of the constant contact. At least I would feel more comfortable that he was moving along, but with the opposite happening, I don't know what to think so that is why I decided to post.
Once again thanks any help would be appreciated.

[job]

Sonni,
Your h could very well be entering the "withdrawal" stage. If you have read about depression, there comes a point where they will withdraw from just about everyone and everything. Because he's close to his son, he may continue to see him. You h isn't doing anything backwards....he's doing exactly what he's doing for a reason and his stages are just intermixed right now.

I would accept him for who he is right now...if he comes over, fine; if he wants to help out around the house, fine. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. Always keep your expectations at zero and that way you are not hurt or disappointed. As for getting together to discuss a divorce or where the relationship is going, I seriously doubt that he'll come around for that discussion any time soon. It's very evident he doesn't want to talk about it right now. That's why it is important that you decide what you want, do you want to continue to stand or have you had enough? Only you can answer that question. His journey cannot be rushed and he's a slow mover, but at least w/him doing it slowly, maybe he'll grow up in the process and not repeat this cycle down the road and can finally face all of his issues and resolve them.

You have to decide what is best for you and your family.

[Sonni 2]

Hi Snodderly. Thanks for the insite as to what is happening. I had thought too that maybe he was entering the "withdrawal" stage but was not sure and his actions were confusing me alot.
I try and just accept what is going on and I really do not expect much from him. I just forget where he is and my mind goes into normal thinking as how he is acting so that throws me.
You are so right about me being the only one that can decide what to do and that is where I have fights within myself as to that question. On one hand, I "think" I still love him, but so much time has gone by," it will be 4 yrs in Nov that he moved out and at least 4 yrs before that he started acting not himself" that there aren't the same feelings when I see him or talk to him. I remember the good times and also I have remembered alot of things that I guess that I had just pushed down in my memory over the years that has happened because I guess, well he is my husband, and you over look alot of things for that reason. So I question myself daily, hem I guess even hourly if I want this or not if he were to decide to come back. The forgiving I have and will continue to do but not sure if I want to put myself in a spot to have the same things happen again. I want someone to share things with, not someone to make things harder.Don't want to have to answer to someone if I decide not to clean the house for a day or so as I am doing other things or what ever else it might be that I don't get around to doing. I guess that you get the picture.
But on the other hand, will he become the person that I would like in my life? So I struggle.I know that it is not our time line but Gods, but the years are going by so fast anymore and I am tired of being alone. So many things I want to do and see and want someone to be there to do them with me.
Can this go on for another couple of years, or months I don't know, I only know that he had a rough early life so will he even be able to come out of it at all.
Sorry to ramble but I have not put my thoughts down in a long time.
The one thing that has given me hope that he is getting close to the end is that every call now, one of the first things that he asks is what the kids are doing and wants to know in detail. This is something that he has just started in the last month and he is talking to his sisters more.
Once again thanks for all the help that you give.
Sonni

[mdoodles]

i so feel your pain. in some ways we are in the same position, how time is just passing and we dont want to be alone anymore.

at the same time, just cant pull the plug.

i wish i could offer some advice, i could use some myself.

everyone tells me to be the one to walk away, i honestly cant do it.

but by not doing it, is it helping me? not really.

i just hold on to the hope of what tomorrow could bring.

at some point will it change? who knows.

im sorry im no help, just know u arent alone.

it will be 3 years in october when my h first left. he has been back 2 time, just recently left again 2 weeks ago, he just cant let go of the ow.

im hoping in my situation, she will grow tired of not progressing in her "relationship" with him and dump him and move on.

maybe that will happen for u too, or maybe your husband is starting to wake up on his own.

[sandi2]

Hi Sonni,

I read your thread and it amazes me how steadfast LBS can be! I don't know that I could wait for a man for four years or longer......but then maybe none of us "know" until we are put to the test. I have read that MLC takes up to five years for some to pull out of the fog. How horrible for everyone involved! You are the only one that can decide if you believe your H is worth the wait or not. I'll have to admit that when I first began reading, I was not seeing him in a very favorable light. I did, however, see you as being a strong woman. I gathered by how you described your life that you live fairly quiet and what some people would call a "simple" lifestyle. Nothing wrong with that......in fact, that is my lifestyle, too!

Have you ever felt drawn to another man in all this time? I noticed that you mentioned a couple of girlfriends, but what about mixed company? Do you have friends who are married? Do you have relatives nearby or is it basically you and the kids?

You seem to be contented and making it financially fine without your H. When you talked about the OW and the things she had bought for him, I had to wonder if he was truly contributing to her finances or was it him who was getting the better end of the deal. I would think she would be getting tired of the set-up by now if he is not making life easier financially and not offering marriage. Who knows what the OW is getting out of their R, but she must be getting something or she would not continue to allow him to stay.

You said that you had a savings for the first time. That tells me that he must have been the one that did not take care with the money. Do you think it would go back to the way it was before he left.....if he returned? Guess nobody would know until it happen.

I don't really know what to say to you other than ask you if you think he is "worth" the wait? Only you can make that decision. As I have put it to so many others......how valuable is he to you? You seem to be happy without him, but would you be more happy if he returned? Were you more happy when the two of you lived together before or are you more happy now?

That is how I would have to decide which way to go.

Take care,
Sandi