Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

This is what I felt like I was subjected to last night, C & UP. My H took off at about 9 pm and didn't return to the house until 12:30 am, with no word of explanation. I hadn't been talking to him or "bothering him" (any contact is bothering him nowadays) at all, all day, so you think he could have had the decency to say that he was going out to the bookstore or whereever. So he tells me nothing and of course, that makes me think he's on a date or something, which he's said he does not plan on doing, even though we are technically seperated, I guess, although not geographically, since we are still living under the same roof.

It really got under my skin that he would do that, especially because he knows I want to try to hold the marriage together, and it was a Friday night, after all. We've had issues in the past where he wanted to go out with female friends on a Friday or Saturday night w/o me, and i've felt very uncomfortable with that. Any other night, ok, but JUST NOT Friday or Saturday nights because that is "date night", and I'd call my girlfriend were I to see her husband out on a Fri or Sat night with a single woman because it looks suspcious. I was angry and upset but the biggest emotion was sadness.

God I miss my husband and my life before. I know it wasn't perfect, and it needed work, but we are NOT "irreconcilably broken" as the divorce filing reads (When I get it eventually...still haven't...and it's been 2+ weeks since he filed!). We need a lot of work on each of us, and the marriage, but we stiil love each other and that's a great starting point. <sob> I apologized to my dad and mom because I'm sorry that they spent so much money on a day not so long ago that is now moot. I feel so foolish and regretful that it's not worked out between us, but my parents were great and said "it was a nice party", and it was, but it wasn't supposed to be just a great party...it was supposed to celebrate me joining my life to another person who I made promises to in front of my family and friends..."till death do us part".

How the heck will I ever be able to trust anyone again in the world after these massive betrayals? I can't just keep laying my love on the line and getting my heart smooshed. I don't have the strength anymore. I dated for 17 years before I married, I'm tired, I'm done. I don't want to do it anymore. I can't even think about having to date without crying, because all I want is my husband. Not cause he's perfect or anything, but because I liked the idea of "us against the world"., and had started to think of us a "we", like "we like to go to politcal rally's" sort of thing.

So this morning I bit his head off - totally NOT DR - because I was still ticked off about the night before, and I wasn't prepared enough for today's neighborhood rummage sale, and I was rushing around trying to do everything at once. I was peeved he wouldn't be there to help, because he held it with me last year, and it wasn't too hard with him there. But now I had to worry about having my sister and mom come over to help me be "Covered" so I wasn't ever there alone.

I fell off our little porch and hit the rusty iron fencing surrounding it, onto a little shrub and thankfully, lots of wood chips, so my aSS is very bruised right now, so I need to go soak in a hot bath. Thankfully, otherwise I am fine, nothing broken and I think the little shrub will live too, with only one branch broken. Got to go.