Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

I sometimes wonder how long living like this is gonna last. We've basically been separated since early December, although we continued to live in the same house. She moved out on Feb. 22nd, and she's been gone for over 3 months now. We've had the kids 50-50. I know she's had a bunch of emotions to work through, and still does, I suppose. We're still married. It just feels like nothing is happening because there is no communication between us. Only communication is regarding the kids, and then it's short and to the point. I'm detatching...I'm dropping the rope. It may be because of my perspective, but I feel pretty powerless regarding our relationship. If we ever get back together, it's gonna be her decision. If we get divorced, it's gonna be her decision. I'm doing all I can right now, under the circumstances. It's a hard way to live...not knowing. I get pretty lonesome sometimes. I guess you just wait...and continue to live and do the best you can, and get stronger and better in the meantime. It's easy to get discouraged sometimes.

[mnt_dreams]

I sometimes wonder how long living like this is gonna last. We've basically been separated since early December, although we continued to live in the same house. She moved out on Feb. 22nd, and she's been gone for over 3 months now. We've had the kids 50-50. I know she's had a bunch of emotions to work through, and still does, I suppose. We're still married. It just feels like nothing is happening because there is no communication between us. Only communication is regarding the kids, and then it's short and to the point. I'm detatching...I'm dropping the rope. It may be because of my perspective, but I feel pretty powerless regarding our relationship. If we ever get back together, it's gonna be her decision. If we get divorced, it's gonna be her decision. I'm doing all I can right now, under the circumstances. It's a hard way to live...not knowing. I get pretty lonesome sometimes. I guess you just wait...and continue to live and do the best you can, and get stronger and better in the meantime. It's easy to get discouraged sometimes.

Wow - just how I've been feeling this week... very little communication and no idea what's going on in H's mind. They seem to have all the control, but as it was pointed out by SM on the forgiveness/friendship thread living well is the best revenge and takes back some control and power in the R.

I definitely empathize with your feelings. Feels like nothing is happening, but maybe we still have more work to do on ourselves before we can really be ready for any movement..?

[antlers]

Hi mnt_dreams.

Yeah...it's a tough road...isn't it? I don't think our WAS know what they want right now...they only know what they don't want. I think 'living well is the best revenge' is a good attitude to have too! Although I'm not out for 'revenge' against her. We don't have any control over their thoughts, feelings, or actions...so we shouldn't even bother trying! We do have complete control over our own thoughts, feelings, and actions though...so we should exercise the control that we do have.

And I empathize with your feelings too! I think we do have more work to do on ourselves...there's always room to get even better and stronger! I'm in better physical shape now than I've been in over the last 17 or 18 years. They do have all the control as far as the relationship goes...if we have hope to be with them in the future...that's just the way it is. We could take control and go ahead and divorce them...but I'm not interested in doing that.

[mnt_dreams]

Well put - they don't know what they want right now; only what they don't want.

Here's to keeping hope alive - I'm not interested in taking control by moving ahead with divorce either. But I agree that we can control ourselves, our reactions, our attitudes. I'll try to maintain that focus as well.

Great job getting so fit! I bet your W notices... even if she doesn't say a word! More importantly, you feel good about it and that's what counts!

[antlers]

I do feel pretty good physically, and I do feel good about it. I don't really know if she notices it though. I'm enjoying having my kids when they come over too. I'm hopeful...as dire as things seem/are...I'm still hopeful. I'm not interested in taking control by divorcing either. It's a hard road, and I'm trying to stay focused. I thought this quote was excellent...

"You can work on you marriage without pursuing and live your life without harming your marriage. Your every move is being watched by your spouse. This is when you get to lead." - Coach

[Astimegoeson]

Your just going through a 'limbo' existence right now. We've all been there, done that, have the tee shirt to prove it.

Whilst waiting for the other shoe to drop or not, this is time for GAL. I know it sounds like a repetitive theme here, but it's essential for your mental/emotional well being.

You have to find an outlet for your anxiety your feeling. Getting in shape is a perfect activity. Good for you. I've always gone to the gym two or three times a week since I was a teen, but I remember in my 'limbo' stage, I spent even more time there. Of course, it was more anger management for me than anxiety. I had some very dark thoughts for the OM at one point. Thoughts I hope I never feel again in my life.

I know I probably came out of an even worse funk than most on here by GAL and refocusing my attention. If I can do it, I know others can to.

[antlers]

Hi Astimegoeson.

This 'limbo existence' sucks big time. You just don't know! If you're still committed, you can't move on without them, or at least without taking them into consideration...and at the same time, you don't know if there will ever be a reconciliation or not!

I'm working at GAL. Playing this co-ed softball is a lot of fun for me...I wish I had been doing it all along! I'm doing lots of physical activity...exercising by riding my bicycle, jumping rope, lifting a few weights, and working on my abs. Also I've been doing lots of work in my yard and flower beds. I have our kids though on every single one of my days off...so I've been doing lots of stuff with them. We'll be taking a pretty big vacation in a couple of weeks.

I think I've made some progress on that end. I have a hard job, and I'm pretty spent when I come in from work. I try to stay busy though when I'm alone, and even when the kids are here. I'm in pretty darn good shape right now. I don't really have any anger anymore...the book that Bridgestone recommended to me, 'Love Without Hurt', has been a Godsend for me. I've really taken that info. to heart, and have learned why I acted like such a mean prick in the past. I'm truly remorseful for it. I'm a lot better now, as far as my negative and painful feelings go, than I was a couple of months ago.

There are always others who have it worse than we do, and they survive and go on to live happy lives despite their painful experiences. If others can do it, than we can do it to. I think you've gotta want to though! I remain hopeful for our future, as bleak as it seems. Kind feel like my life is on hold right now, as far as intimate relationships go...don't really like it this way.

To paraphrase another poster on this board..."a reconciliation won't happen unless you put the work in yourself, take the pressure off of your spouse, and put some time and distance between the two of you. Then, it's possible."

Is that good advice...or what?

[futureunknown]

antlers-

Sounds like you're doing all the right things, and embracing the right attitude. It sure doesn't take the hurt away, but makes it tolerable, and it will slowly get better as time goes by. The softball thing sounds perfect. It's important for us to continually remind ourselves that we can be happy and have a good life without our W. Life goes on. They were not some magic force that made our lives perfect. We regret our past behavior, that hurts. We miss them, that hurts. We're lonely, that hurts. Right now we see them as the key to taking away all that pain, but slowly we take control back and find out we can heal that pain ourselves.

Your W is on her journey, and whereas sometimes it might feel like you're just waiting for her, you are on your own journey now too. Just think how different you feel now compared to a month ago! One month from now will look and feel different from now.

[antlers]

I need some help from you guys. I sent her the following E-mail on May 27...

"My days off that I requested for vacation in June have been granted. I'm gonna
be off from Saturday June 20th thru Thursday July 2nd. I'd like to take our
kids on a trip during that time."

I never heard anything from her. Then I put in for some more time off yesterday and sent her the following E-mail...

"I turned in a request today for some days off in July, and I believe they will
be granted. I'm gonna be off from Wednesday July 22nd thru Wednesday July 29th.
I'd like to take our kids on a trip during that time."


Then today, I get the following E-mail from her...

"You can not take off the end of the month. That's the ONLY time I can be off.
I hope you rescheduled your June vacation. You should know my schedule by now
and that we have month-end closing the first 1/2 of the month and I can not take
off during that time. That's when you need to schedule yours. I plan on taking
them some where the last week in June and the last week in July. Your lack of
communication has once again caused a problem."



I can't change my June vacation time off. It's 2 weeks away, and I've already made reservations and they've already made the schedule out at work. I can still do something about the July vacation though! I need your help in responding to her E-mail in an appropriate manner. There hasn't been any 'bad' communication from her for a little while now.

Please help me come up with a good response!

[antlers]

I could sure use some good advice on this. I need to respond to her E-mail today. If you can help come up with a good response, I'd appreciate it.