Divorce looming #14

[K4D]

25,

And you hide the "REAL" stuff you did in the past or that just happened (TUES??) and you are deliberatly misleading about how you are with your w and kids...or the c or the legal sitch, and let your fears steer all you do, and you do not, will not, cannot understand the underlying THEME of our posts.

I explained Tuesday a few posts back. I had taken a full xanax pill and it made me drowsy and fall asleep. D11 had trouble waking me up and called MIL who then called W. This interupted W's plans and W showed up at my door as I woke up. This is how I managed to ruin W's night Tuesday night.

Thursday MIL showed up at the house at the same time W did and I had just arrived and came out to greet the kids while MIL was there getting the kids stuff out of the car.

I'm not sure what I am leaving out or how I am misleading how I am with my W or kids. I posted the list of things my W said that I did wrong in this M.

I did call on the free C and I did go see a L in person.

you'll use your "alone/lonely" time to fill EITHER GAL, or continue to fill it with things YOU actually SEE as "Filler time" between when you'll see your w and d's again. That's NOT GAL. And you still are not bringing anything to the table for your w, so of course she is not interested...

You are right in that I have been using filler time instead of GAL. Guess I'm not sure what interests me enough to GAL. I look forward to my kids every week. But you are right, one day they will be gone and then it will be just me. And what will that be like? I can't imagine good. Maybe I am not quite understanding what it means to GAL. I look for things to do during the week to pass the time.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to bring to the table either for W other than be strong and confident. If getting a life isn't finding things to do to keep myself busy during my off weeks, then what is it?

For you to talk about how to be interesting to your wife, at this point, and not see how sick and stupid that looks to us, well, it's sick AND/OR stupid of you.

You all have said I need to be interesting to her. I need to GAL life and that will make me more interesting to her.

I have no idea why she missed the deadline but if I were a betting woman, it is 99% likely that she missed the deadline for either no reason, or a reason that has NOTHING to do with reconciling. True, Might have bought you "legal" time, but so far that Opportunity to show her something, has only enabled you to worsen things and INVITE HER TO DINNER after the post I wrote to you last week about not inviting her, I am pretty sure you are not reading these posts or you have some sort of learning disability. I mean if you are going to totally ignore what ALL of us say, why not explain why? B/C there is no explanation? B/C YOU FORGOT what we said? I mean which is it? Do you give a cr^& about what we write here or do you just get so needy and weak that you bang your head into the wall again. Oh, and um, so much for the "hardcore dbing" you were going to do b/c God answered your prayers. You know, maybe God did answer that prayer and maybe he gave you a chance and so, in ONE day, you blew it again.

I guess I felt like we could enjoy some family time and maybe build on something. I guess I also felt a needy. I should have listened on that one. Sometimes I forget things that have been told to me. Sometimes I let my emotions over ride my better judgement.

Is there anyway to recover from this? I blew it yesterday. I admit that. I guess I have alot of trouble keeping her out of my mind. I always think about her. Sometimes it feels like I can start doing something and then she pops in my mind and I just lose strength and will power.

I know that nobody cares about my M anymore except me. But I do want my M back. I want to do whatever it takes to get it back. I want to bring something to the table for W. But I don't know what to bring to the table for W. And I am lonely without her. I miss her a great deal. I need to find happiness within myself. I have never been able to do that. I have always depended on her being by my side for my happiness.

I just want to recover from this mess I created and have a shot at winning her back.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

I really dont know what to say at this point. Ok, yes I do. I think you are so needy that you "screw up" on purpose. Since your W wont give you the time of day, you come here and tell us how you screw up just to get *any* sort of attention even if its not positive attention.

Either that, or you are just that arrogant that you think somehow that out of all the hundreds of thousands of people that are dumped each year that you will be the one to reconcile "your way" and not use the experience of countless people, therapists and counselors that have been down this road.

Which one is it? Or, do you just not comprehend? Sometimes it seems like you are mocking us by not reading the posts and then answering with some random stuff about your day or how you ate pizza.


W: off to lunch now
Kevin: K
Kevin: D7 had things on her mind last night
W: like?
Kevin: She told me that she told you that I am lonely when they are not there and you told her that I stay plenty busy during the week
Kevin: Not sure where she got that from as I have never said that
Kevin: Then she asked me if I miss you
Kevin: I said yes I do
W: ok. good to know.
Kevin: Then she was quiet and went to sleep
W: alright
Kevin: Just thought it was interesting
W: yes. she worries about you and grandpa being lonely.
Kevin: She has a huge heart
W: yes she does

Your W said she had to go (off to lunch now) yet you kept trying to keep the conversation going. This is pursuit and its not attractive at all. You manipuluated her to keep the conversation going by bringing up your kids. Do you think an IM conversation when she already said she had to go about your kids is the appropriate forum? As you can see, your W could care less you miss her yet you decided to tell her again. More pursuit. Ugly.


W: so i have something to do this afternoon. will you be ok with pulling into the alley at mom's beside the front door and just calling sember to have them come out? not going to the front door?
W: i've still got to clear it with mom
Kevin: I'm not the one with the issue. I will pick them up where ever
W: alright. i'll ask mom. it would help me out not to have to go home
Kevin: Ok. Going to happy hour?
W: nope. friend teaching me to shoot a rifle.
Kevin: Wow. That's cool
Kevin: I hope you enjoy
W: yeah. i'm pretty excited. but he has someplace he needs to be with his pals at 6 or 7. so we have to do it early
Kevin: Very cool

She told you she had something to do and left if that. But you kept pushing and asked about happy hour. If she wanted you to know where she was going she would have told you right from the start. This is what we are saying when we say "create mystery". Your W did just that but you kept pushing to see where she was going. Pursuit, clingy, nosey and unattractive.


Kevin: Is your mom ever going to get past this. I mean this is to the point of ridiculousness
Kevin: It is what it is
Kevin: Is your day going well?
W: just give it time. believe me. i find it just as ridiculous. if not more so. its been a complete pain in my rear.
W: day is going fine. thanks
W: mom doesn't want you coming over. you have really screwed me over with the crap you've pulled with her. every freaking day this week i've had to cancel plans to do this. leave work early. everything.
W: i'm trying to see if she'll bring the kids to the house. lock them in at 4:45. and you get them by 5
W: if you see her car in the driveway. don't pull up until after she leaves.
W: yes she is being unreasonable. but you know what... you pulled some crap. and now i'm dealing with the consequences.
Kevin: I wish she would grow up.
W: i wish you would have been a little more mindful of screwing things up with her while i was gone
Kevin: I wish I would have to. I wish she would let me apologize to her. Geez. This is being taken to new levels with her.
Kevin: I'm sorry, but I don't believe anything I did warrants this especially when I am willing to apologize and make sure it never happens again
W: yeah, well i dont give a crap about how either of you feel. i'm just tired of being caught in the middle.
W: its not just this... it was this after the culmination of MANY things you have done, Kevin.
Kevin: I agree. If she would let me talk to her I would make amends
W: i've got a meeting. i'll let you know what arrangements I've made
W: she doesn't care.
W: you have never been good about giving people their space and letting them calm down on their time, not yours.
W: you need to work on that
Kevin: I am giving her space. I have respected everything she has asked
W: yesterday, you should have stayed in the backyard while she dropped off the kids. i got an earful. and then hung up on
Kevin: No. There is no reason for her to act that way and I am an adult coming out to see my kids. I am not going to hide away like a child who is being punished by an unruley lady.
W: well thanks. i appreciate your consideration of the fact that i'm stuck between you two juveniles.
Kevin: First. I am not a juve. But cmon. You seriously expect me to hide away from your mom when it comes to my kids?
W: for 2 freaking mins you couldn't just give her space?
W: seriously?
Kevin: I didn't realize yesterday was an issue
W: yes, i know
Kevin: But if it will make you happy, then I will be more than happy to accomodate. Although I am becoming tired of being excluded from everyone else and family events because of her.
Kevin: I don't do that to her or anyone else
W: yes, kevin, i know
W: can you look for the technisource insurance packet for me this weekend?
W: i'll meet you at my house no later than 5.
W: mom won't drop them off.
W: right now... i truly dislike you both
W: i didn't get to enjoy myself tues night. i had to deal with you and mom yesterday. and now today i have to cancel my plans
Kevin: I'm not making you cancel your plans. I didn't set up this situation and I am willing to work with whatever arrangements you want. So there is no reason to be mad at me. The problem lies with your mom, not me
W: ummm you created the problem. and tues night was you.
Kevin: I made a small mistake like everyone else in the family has and your mom has blown it up to epic proportions
W: i'm trying to work. see you at 5
Kevin: I'm willing to work with whatever arrangements you want so you don't have to miss your plans

Your W gave you TONS of info here and you should have accepted it as a gift, instead you kept pushing and prodding her AND bashing her mom. Your W told you what you have to work on in a very point blank fashion - you need to learn to give people space and stop pushing them to do things they are not ready to do. Instead of stopping there you kept on going though. Now your W feels trapped between you and her mom (terrible feeling I am sure). Yes, her mom might be a real b*tch but you cant change that so why not start being on your W's side with this? You point out all her moms faults (again, you cant change or control them so why bother?). Your W is telling you she does not like this either but you keep on harping. Again, needy, clingy and pursuit AND she keeps telling you she has to go but you keep talking on IM (not appropriate for this type of conversation).


W: there's nothing to be done. see you at the house at 5Kevin: Well... Do you want to go to dinner with me and the kids then?
W: no thank you
Kevin: Ok
Kevin: Look. I'm not trying to cause anything with your mom. I'm trying to stay out of her way. I didn't think tuesday. I apologize for that. Believe me. I don't want issues between you and me and anyone else. So whatever I can do to aleviate that, I will
W: i'm good. just let me calm down. see you at 5

Again, for now she is telling you that nothing can be done but you keep on talking. She says she doesnt like you right now and she needs to calm down but you still pressure and pursue her to come over for dinner. Does that make any sense? She is basically screaming to you that she needs space from you and the situation with you and her mom yet you keep on pushing.

Help me understand what you thought you would accomplish here? Can you imagine how smothered your W must feel? She cant even work, go to lunch at work, get her work done or go to a work meeting without being pestered by you (asking questions, talking about the kids, bringing up the terrible situation with her mom and pursuing her to come to dinner). Do you think any of THAT was attractive to her?

This is a woman that didnt even want you to be in YOUR house and wouldnt allow it unless it served her (free babysitting and house cleaner) yet you somehow think she wants to come to dinner at your house?

Get counseling and get counseling for your kids. All three of you need it. I dont know what else to say or do. I really dont. You bragged about the gift of the D not going through then you pissed all over the gift. I dont get it. I wish I did but I dont. Your W has given you so much golden info but you ignore it all and keep to your own agenda that does not work, has not worked and wont work. EVER. You are not unique as a LBS. Your W will not see things your way.

Start answering us - why, why, why?

[antlers]

Hi CityGirl. You swing a heavy bat, and pretty hard too! How are you doing?

[K4D]

CityGirl,

I guess I was feeling a little frusturated with the whole MIL thing. I don't screw up on purpose. I just let my emotions get the better of me at times. I read all the posts.

W did go off to lunch. We talked again later. I knew better than to ask where she was off to. I actually had a motive behind that one. I don't usually ask. But I was wondering if she was going to go down to the court house since she was leaving early. Thats why I asked.

She went to her meeting and we talked again after. There are just no time stamps on this.

No, apparently none of it was attractive to her. I don't know why I pursued it. It was stupid of me.

You are right. She did give me golden info. I should have taken it and left it at that.

Why? Because I am stupid.

Kevin

[K4D]

I sent W a text saying that I agree with her on her mom and I will do whatever I can to make things easier on her.

Hopefully that will relieve some tension.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

I guess I was feeling a little frusturated with the whole MIL thing. I don't screw up on purpose. I just let my emotions get the better of me at times. I read all the posts.

This is exactly why you need C'ing ASAP. You do not own the proper emotional tools to manage your frustrations in a productive way. You do not own the proper emotional tools to manage your outburts of emotions when it comes ot your W. You keep making these same mistakes because you have not found the appropriate, proper and healthy outlet to learn how to move forward and deal with frustrations and emotional outbursts. It will take months and months of "training" with a C to even begin to obtain these tools but it is possible and in your case, necessary. You allow your frustrations and emotional outbursts to guide you and all that does is guide you to a very bad and "stuck" place.

W did go off to lunch. We talked again later. I knew better than to ask where she was off to. I actually had a motive behind that one. I don't usually ask. But I was wondering if she was going to go down to the court house since she was leaving early. Thats why I asked.

Ulterior motives = manipulation. Its hard to understand how you say you love your W so much but most of the exchanges you have with her involve some form of manipulation on your part. You can speculate until you are blue in the face if she will be going down to the court house but its a waste of time, energy and emotion. And once again it puts all the focus on your W and not you.

No, apparently none of it was attractive to her. I don't know why I pursued it. It was stupid of me.

Again, you pursued her AGAIN because you have not obtained the proper tools to detach, become your own person, manage your frustration/pain, emotional outbursts or expectations when it comes to your W. You have not obtained the tools to clear your head space of all things about your W and begin filling it with all things Kevin. Medicine will not help you do that. Counseling (and a true dedication to it) is the only way to get on that path.

You are right. She did give me golden info. I should have taken it and left it at that.

Yup, you should have. And because you did not do that there is a chance any further "golden info" will not be shared because when you do get the info, you dont use it to change the dynamic so why would your W keep bothering? Nothing changes and eventually it becomes a huge waste of her time.

Why? Because I am stupid.

No, what you are is terribly, terribly resistant to getting C'ing and obtaining the tools you need to move forward with your life. Note, I did not say "move on" but move FORWARD. You can say you dont have the money, nobody calls you back for free services and blah, blah, blah... but if you really wanted to, you would find a way. I asked you a few days ago for a detailed list of possible ways for you to get C'ing and even offered additional suggestions along with the ones I posted a few weeks ago. So far I dont see that list. Why? Because its easier to wallow and say how stupid you are rather than CHANGE it for YOU. Right now your W is a lost cause and so are you. Your W might always be a lost cause but you? You being a lost cause is only something you can decide.

And AGAIN you texted your W this morning (more pursuit) about a subject she already made perfectly clear she did not want to discuss with you anymore. How is that going to take away tension... you pursued her, didnt give her space and brought up a subject she didnt want to talk about. Explain to me how that will relieve tension? IMO you just added more and again disrespected her constant pleas for space.

[K4D]

I guess I just thought I would clear the air and be on her side so she doesn't feel like she is caught in the middle. I thought it would help ease things for her.

She told me thanks and that she had just finished a 13 mile bike ride.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

I guess I just thought I would clear the air and be on her side so she doesn't feel like she is caught in the middle. I thought it would help ease things for her.

You need to STOP "guessing" and seeing things on just a surface level. Your W is more than aware that you would like the situation with your MIL to improve. And right now, at this time, she has told you numerous times that any improvement or repair with you and your MIL is simply not going to happen right now and that the only way to make things "better" is with space. Its too late for her not to be caught in the middle, she already is. She made it very clear to you y'day she is caught in the middle and its making her not like you or her mom. So, how did pursuing her AGAIN (texting her), reminding her once again of an unpleasant situation (fued with mom) and assuming you could ease something that you cannot improve anything?

Because she responded in a polite fashion doesnt mean a thing. It means she opted not to be rude and once again tell you to back off, give her space, stop pursuing her, stop bring up the mom situation and stop telling her what she knows (you want things to be better).

Things have crumbled between you and your W to the very bottom. Things have crumbled with your W's family and you to the very bottom. Stop guessing or assuming you can "fix" any of that with more pursuit and clinging and telling her things she already knows. She told you y'day she needed space and less than 24 hours later you were texting her again! And what was she doing? She was out GAL (bike riding) and doing something for her.

Do NOT contact your W via phone, text, e-mail or IM unless you post here first (unless there is an emergency with your kids). The group will be able to tell you if its pursuit or smothering since you seem to keep making the same mistakes.

There is nothing surface about this - its very, very deep and you cant seem to grasp that. Each exchange you have with your W can either give her a positive feeling or a negative one and so far they all seem to go against what she is telling you she wants (space, no pursuit, no more talking about MIL).

Stop guessing and assuming. Use proven principles. If you dont understand them then ask but dont make up your own. You dont see the big picture and each "tiny" picture you see just causes more annoyance to your W because you are not listening to what she is telling you.

[K4D]

Ok. I can do that. Just please help me do what it takes to draw my W back to me. I will follow what you tell me.

Kevin

[aliveandkicking]

Ok. I can do that. Just please help me do what it takes to draw my W back to me. I will follow what you tell me.

Kevin