Still Having Hope

[Sonni 2]

Hi, well it has been a long time since I have posted. Just been living my life,hoping like everyone else that R will finally get thru the tunnel but not putting my life on hold for him. I don't see many people on here anymore that where here when I started this horrible journey, so with out being too long I will try and do a short version of my time line.
11-01-05 R moves out to live with OW. Not sure how long this had been going on before but from bits and pieces, it has been a lot longer than I ever thought.
R still living with OW as of today.
From the start R has always had lots of contact with myself and some with the kids. As time is going on, that is getting to be less and less. He says that he will call later in the day or the next day and it might be a few days or a week before he calls back again. I have tried not answering his calls for days and when I finally do answer, he is so upset because he has not been able to get ahold of me and when I explain that I don't apprecite him doing that to me, he agrees not to do it again. Of course it just keeps happening over and over again.
I have not tried to have a Rtalk with him, but have asked him a few times over the years if he still wants to come home and the answer is always " yes, soon".
He has started asking about what the kids are doing almost every time that he calls which he never use to do.
So I guess my question is; Is he just drifting away from us more, or is he going thru MLS sort of back wards where he had constant contact at first and now the distance?
I am ready to call it quits but don't want to close the door to him if he is just not taking this journey the way most of them do.
I asked him yesterday when he called if we could talk over the weekend about what we were going to do about us as it seemed he was not coming home. He said sure, but my gut tells me that it will be a while before I hear back from him thinking that I will just let it go and not remember that i had asked this of him or will have changed my mind. In all of this he has never once mentioned a divorce.
I just have so many conflicting thoughts about this in my mind that any suggestions would help.
Sonni

[MrBond]

Well I think you've spent the last couple of years doing the exact same thing and not yielding any results. So my gut is telling me that rather than asking to talk to him, you should just call him and say "this is what's going to happen".

Then you can move on with your life. It may shock him, but I think you allowing him to do what he wants is what's feeding his indecision. After all, why should he worry about his M when he knows you'll always be there.

[mdoodles]

i have some questions -

are u legally separated? if not, how is the financial picture?

are his things still in your home or did he fully move out?

do u have intimate contact with him?

has he ever been home since 2005 and left again or has he been out the whole time?

[Sonni 2]

Thanks for the post, I have also thought about what you have just posted, I guess just not the "guts" to do it. Don't know why as there is not much left anyway.

[Sonni 2]

Hi mdoodles,
No, we never had a legal seperation as there is nothing financial to worry about as we own nothing other than my older tk. OW bought him a new truck when they had first gotten together along with a 4 wheeler and a motorcycle which he has managed to loose for non payment and ruined her credit other that the truck which he still has. Oh dear, SO Sad
At frist he did give me money but after a while he quit doing that. I am doing better that he is in that department. First time I have been able to have a savings account in many many years.
Yes, he still has many things here that he never took. Once in a while I would ask him if he didn't want to take this or that and he would say maybe later but never did.
We did until I would guess the last 7 or 8 months when he started getting more and more distant. I do know that most nights, or I should say according to him, he sleeps on the couch. He did that for a long time before he finally moved out.
Nope, he has never come home. He would come late in the evening and after we were intimate, stay in bed for an hour or two than all of a sudden spring up and need to leave right away. Use to come and take naps all the time and then leave.
Might need to add that I have moved a couple of times since he left and the place we were living in when he moved out we were just renting. Our home had been sold because the payments had gotten to be too much for me to try and make as he had started not wanting to go to work back them so not bring in much money.

[mdoodles]

does the ow know about u? does she know he is still married?

u can check out my thread under infidelity, i post most often there, but my h is definitely in a quarter life crisis.

im just trying to figure out the details of your situation to see if i can offer advice.

its interesting that he hasnt wanted to move forward on either ends, with u or her.

would u say things are better now or getting worse, in terms of your contact with him?

[Sonni 2]

Oh yes she knows about me. She is old girlfriend from when we were first dating. As far as knowing about us still being married, I am not sure. He has never mentioned if she knows or not.
Yes you are right, he seems to just be stuck where he is. I fell like he doesn't want a divorce so he does not have to deal with OW wanting to get married but for some reason I don't really feel that she wants that either. Sort of the feeling that she is just using him to pay the rent and other bills as according to him, he pays it all as when we were together, we shared the bills.
There are a lot of times lately when he calls from his place and she is not around. Alot. Times when she should be there.
They are worse as far as contact as he was always over or calling many times a day until as I said about 7 or 8 months ago when things started changing for what ever reason.
I use to call him on and off, but now I just wait for him to call most of the time. For a while there when I would call, he would seem to be put out that I was calling so that is why I quit. I haven't tried calling again only when I really need to talk to him about something.
He does offer to help me on different things and sometimes he goes thru with the help and then other times he doesn't show up or call back.
I'll come by later and read up on your stitch.

[mdoodles]

how old are your kids? does he see them on a regular basis?

[Sonni 2]

I call them kids, but they really are young adults. D-23 S-22.
The girl has not had much to do with him since he left. Use to call him on holidays to make sure that he was coming over but this was the first Xmas that she wanted us to open our presents before he showed up.He use to come to most holidays but has not been lately either. She use to call him every once in a while to have lunch with her but has not done that in a long while. Says she would give the OW a hard time if she ever ran into them somewhere and has never met her or talked to her.Son has gone out to their place on and off and I feel tolorates OW so he can be around his dad. R has more contact with son than daughter. He will call him but not the daughter.

[job]

Sonni,
They usually stay in touch with one child. That child will be the connectiont to the family for a long time.

You've been handling thing fairly well...cut out the calls to him and allowed him to call you. What about the visits to the home? I know that you mentioned he's been a bit distanced, but is he still coming around?

What have you been doing for yourself? I hope you are taking care of yourself.