Don't Let Them Eat Cake

[Dawn of Hope]

IL,
My H stayed at home (and in our bed, although there was nothing interesting happening there) for over a year after the bomb, all while seeing OW about twice a month (she is a college student half of his/my age, living five hours away, whom he met on the online game Second Life); he spent about 10% of his pre-tax income on her that year, which didn't stop him complaining about the state of our finances. Six months ago he moved out, and I still don't know where he lives. I am totally dark, and don't contact him other than in response to him contacting me, which is on business-related matters about once a month.

This is background to help you understand where I'm coming from with my suggestions to you. I don't have so much as a hint of a restored M as yet, but I feel deep down that there's very little that I have done since the bomb that has made things worse, and the current state is the best I could hope for right now. I think my H is just going to take a long, long time to get through this, and all I can do is to leave him alone to figure it out, and to avoid prolonging the process by anything I might do.

A number of people in RL, including friends, my IC, and even my pastor, encouraged me to kick H out the door (or at least issue an ultimatum) after I found out he was having an A, but I prayed about it a lot and felt that I was not called to do that. Many logical reasons backed up my feelings that God was telling me not to take that step; the main one was that I strongly sensed that H was looking for excuses to say that the wreck of our marriage, and the attendant consequences (such as separation), weren't his fault, and if I had pushed him to move out (even though it was excruciating to have to pretend everything was fine every day when I saw him), I would have played right into that, and then he could have said, "Well, SHE wanted me to move out," so he wouldn't look like the bad guy. I simply refused to cave in to all his provocation (like when he brought the OW to our house to sleep with him while I was out of town), so he was forced to make that decision all by himself and couldn't blame me.

I have seen that things are better if you do what you can to be kind and friendly, even if he isn't interested in being friends. Sometimes it helps to think of him as a stranger...you might not go out of your way, but you'd be kind to a stranger who was a guest in your house, even if he was some kind of sales person (as long as he wasn't being seriously rude or pushy), right? You might not be in friendship-building mode, but the first step is to reduce the negative feelings between the two of you. Consistency is also very important. If you blow it, and blow up at him or something else that is not fostering positive interactions, it will take you a lot of time just to regain that ground, much less move forward. Remember...BE THE GREENER GRASS!

I DB'd like crazy after I found the DB books and then the site, about a month post-bomb. I stopped criticizing H for anything whatsoever (at least to his face...you can be sure I had plenty to say to my trusted counselors and to my journal!). I didn't go overboard, but I was kind and considerate. I still did his laundry and cooked for him (although I didn't go out of my way to make special meals for him or anything), and listened to him complain about all the bills without ever pointing out that there wouldn't be nearly as many if he would stop spending $1000s on hotel bills and restaurant meals and flowers and plus-sized lingerie (OW is roughly twice my weight...even before I lost over 20 pounds on the MLC diet and got down to a size 2). I didn't ask him for anything except absolutely necessary computer support (his profession; it seemed stupid to consider going elsewhere for that) and household maintenance that I was unable to handle by myself. I didn't spend any of his income on anything unless he suggested it. Otherwise I only spent from my own income, even though I was buying all the household's groceries and basic household supplies and expenses for our three cats and my own medical expenses, even though my own income is/was below the poverty level.

I'm not a saint, by any stretch of the imagination. In the beginning, I snooped obsessively. I wasn't proud of it, it didn't make me feel good, and it didn't endear me to him whenever he found out. I started feeling better about myself after I forced myself to stop (with great difficulty). I haven't succeeded in forgiving him yet, although I have been working hard on that, and we haven't discussed the prospect at all. (I'm hearing "I don't know if I can ever forgive you for what you've done do me over the last 20 years" too, but there's no discussion of any need for me to forgive HIM.)

One of the many concepts from DB that I have found helpful is the idea of becoming a person that H would have to be _crazy_ to leave. I have done a lot of internal work (emotional/spiritual) on myself, and I have a long way to go (sometimes I think that's why I've had no signs of restoration yet--_I'm_ not ready!). I'm also working on improving my income (one of H's more concrete complaints).

As painful as it undoubtedly is for you emotionally, I believe you are better off with him living there, partly because it gives you a lot more opportunities to DB and show him your changes, so I recommend that you drop the idea of pushing him out the door or at least into the basement. However, this is a decision that only you can make. I think I am better off because my H had a year of the "new, improved DBing me" to absorb to help counteract memories of previous behaviors that he didn't like.

I hope you find this stuff helpful, rather than feeling hijacked. Feel free to ignore what isn't useful to you.

I could go on and on, but I'm toast for tonight, and I'm probably not going to be making any sense at all pretty soon. I'm already finding that I've fallen asleep at the keyboard and it's full of things like eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and jjjjjjjjjjjjj!

Take care of yourself.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn