Thanks AK...that really helped me actually tonight. You are right on...H tried to have a voice in the M...but it was overpowering and he thought it was "discipline". My H often demands respect from the kids and goes overboard. Interesting in fact, the other day when he was over, he was talking to me and I was just listening...he was saying how when the girls were at his house he overreacted to something that D8 did...and he was feeling really guilty. He said "it was no big deal and I got SO mad"...he seemed really torn up about it. Funny, this is what he always does (worse in the last few months) and I always tell him to calm down, etc. He will say something like..."well, they need to respect me" blah blah blah. So all of a sudden, he is realizing stuff I guess.
The last two days I have had a really good PMA. Today, with the girls having spent the night over there and the hairbrush thing I was spun for the whole day. Still emotional, tears. I don't know how much of this roller coaster I can take. Feel like giving up. I mean with the DBing...it is too much to take. Getting hopes up, but having no expectations...thinking, crying, analyzing, hoping, praying, hoping, wishing, being patient, being friendly, and "acting as if" when I want to SCREAM..."DON'T YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH YOU ARE HURTING ME!!!!!!!!??????????????????" (alot of tears now)
I know this is all about H. I just can't help but thinking that if he loved me enough (which he hasn't told me in 2 months) he couldn't do this. So in a sense, it IS me. I mean, he doesn't wanna be married...and it is ME who he is married to. Maybe I am having a pity party, but SHEEEEEEEEESH! I don't understand why this happens to some people and not others. Yes....WHY ME??? I am fairly certain this is one situation where as long as I continue to take care of myself, an occasional pity party for 1 is appropriate! I wish I was more compassionate to others going thru this before. I could have never imagined this much pain.
