Divorce looming #14

[MrBond]

I'm done. good luck kevin

[K4D]

I don't blame you stuck,

I couldn't have been stupider.

Kevin

[kara]

Kev

The best we can do is PRAY for you. But even then you will need to back yourself up with positive actions. Listen, this is not a cakewalk for ANY of us. Do you think we would have CHOSEN to be here?

I keep writing to you and deleting my posts because honestly I don't know who could get through to you. Not even your W who is at the very center of your world is getting through to you. And she could not be speaking to you more plainly. The woman does not want you now. Got it? She is not interested in spending time with you now. Got it? (Most of us have had to face this cold hard truth about our spouses). Why on earth would you invite her to dinner? She can smell your "Eau de desperation" cologne from afar. And it is not a pleasant scent.

I know you are on meds and therefore I am prepared to be tolerant but there are people on this site with all kind of illnesses and challenges who are handling their business.

You keep saying that you know you are acting in a stupid manner yet like a moth to the flame you do nothing to resist it next time (bad analogy but you have me worked up). If I were your wife I would be running for the hills with no forwarding address.

Kev,we want to help but please help yourself first.

[aliveandkicking]

I don't blame you stuck,

I couldn't have been stupider.

Kevin

Beating yourself up isn't going to help. Obviously, you want to defend yourself and then you melt and get all wimpy and want to just make nice.

Why don't you make a commitment? If you're going to confront on any topic with W, just stick to one, make your point and move on. No fixing and making nice.

I thought you showed some balls in some of your interaction. And then the dinner thing!!!!! Aaargh. But, it is clear as day what your MO is. If you are going to take a stand, take it, stick to the point and move on. Get it? Let her dislike you, that is a step up from pity.

[antlers]

Hi Kevin.

To paraphrase another poster on this board..."a reconciliation won't happen unless you put the work in yourself, take the pressure off of your spouse, and put some time and distance between the two of you. Then, it's possible."

I know that you're eaten up with pain, and are devestated. Lots of us here are. People survive these things...and if they can do it...so can you!

[antlers]

You gotta 'drop the rope' Kevin!

"Imagine pulling with all your might on a rope tied to a elephant's leg that doesn't want to move. Tension on the rope, the elephant's getting torqued, and you are wasting all your energy and getting no results. The elephant just ain't moving. So why keep pulling on the rope?
The goal is to get the elephant to move. Release all the tension between you and the elephant. Catch your breathe and try something different. The elephant is not going to move just because you are trying with all your strength, want it to and would love it to. The elephant moves when it wants to. Drop the rope. Do something for yourself and see if the elephant gets interested enough to check it out. Be a elephant whisperer !
You do what is healthy and productive for you." - Coach

Other people do it...and so can you!

[K4D]

Yes. It was stupid of me. I did take a stand and then melted again. It probably wasn't something even worth arguing about. I think I was just fed up with MIL.

Tonite I took the kids out for pizza and to a park later. D7 seems to be struggling with her emotions lately. I'm not sure why. I wonder if this D is starting to affect her. I know it can't be easy on either girl. Heck, its not easy on me so it has to be extremely hard on them.

Ya, I did have a nervous breakdown going to Florida and back. I kind of feel like the meds are starting to kick in a little bit. I don't feel so anxious tonight. I need to get my apartment cleaned up a bit. I kind of let it go some this week. W saw it today and I'm sure was not impressed. Probably another set back for me.

Honestly I think the meds are good for me. There are times when I will start excercising and then I start thinking about W and I just stop right there.

I need more patience. Thats for sure. Part of me wants to believe that my W still cares about me while the other part of me tells me she doesn't by looking at actions.

Part of me thinks this is hopeless and I will never get her back even years down the road. To be interesting I have to do something that interests me.

Ever since I got on these meds I get tired faster these days. I basically slept as soon as I got home from work last night through out most of the rest of the night. Is that normal?

What am I posting for right now? I really have nothing of value to say at the moment.

Kevin

[K4D]

That is a good analogy antlers. That makes a lot of sense. One thing is that I am kind of a homebody. And I guess that is not interesting. I like to get out and do things now and then. But I don't like to be on the go all the time.

So maybe I am kind of a boring person. I don't look for alot in life. I just enjoy being with my family.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Don't know where to start. The conversation about d7 and the pathetic image you projected, how "happy" you were b/c w missed the filing deadline. Gee Kevin, do you think she wants back in now? Um I"m guessing... NO...

So you were "going to DB hardcore" & that lasted about an hour I'm guessing. Kev, how can you not understand how you fundamentally have it so wrong in your approach after all this help?

On one hand, so many people see you as the extreme form of bad dbing that THEY learn what NOT to do. (So there's a positive to this site). But I feel as if I'm watching a slow car wreck that keeps banging into a wall and straightens itself briefly, only to speed up and crash again WHILE ignoring ALL the STOP SIGNS & BLINKING LIGHTS along the way...

I have no idea why she missed the deadline but if I were a betting woman, it is 99% likely that she missed the deadline for either no reason, or a reason that has NOTHING to do with reconciling. True, Might have bought you "legal" time, but so far that Opportunity to show her something, has only enabled you to worsen things and INVITE HER TO DINNER after the post I wrote to you last week about not inviting her, I am pretty sure you are not reading these posts or you have some sort of learning disability. I mean if you are going to totally ignore what ALL of us say, why not explain why? B/C there is no explanation? B/C YOU FORGOT what we said? I mean which is it? Do you give a cr^& about what we write here or do you just get so needy and weak that you bang your head into the wall again. Oh, and um, so much for the "hardcore dbing" you were going to do b/c God answered your prayers. You know, maybe God did answer that prayer and maybe he gave you a chance and so, in ONE day, you blew it again.

Kev, It's a weird pattern for you to come here and tell us something idiotic that you did, and then I can only assume you want us to somehow lift you up afterwards...but you repeat this behavior SO OFTEN it's clear that lifting you up is something that does not teach you to avoid the idiotic things in the first place. And you hide the "REAL" stuff you did in the past or that just happened (TUES??) and you are deliberatly misleading about how you are with your w and kids...or the c or the legal sitch, and let your fears steer all you do, and you do not, will not, cannot understand the underlying THEME of our posts.

For you to talk about how to be interesting to your wife, at this point, and not see how sick and stupid that looks to us, well, it's sick AND/OR stupid of you.

A&K said if you want to be interesting, then "Be interested" yeah as in, interested in something OTHER THAN YOUR W! And the host of other red flags that statement raises for us...like why you'd STILL care about her opinion and not "GET" that this NOT ABOUT HER. It is ALL about you living your own life, GAL, BEING INTERESTING b/c you are happy and have hobbies and interests and are content and pleasant and NOT needy and have opinions and thoughts and people in your lives other than w and d's, and NOT letting HER determine how you feel/act all the time. ((How many times Have I said this and how many colors and fonts are there to use to get through to you...????))

Honestly, I fear for your mental well being when I read your posts. But for that, I'd just out and out quit posting to you. You need help. We are not enough, by a long shot. Get some real help and stop making excuses for not getting it. As far as I'm concerned your W and M are both lost causes with you being as sick as you sound, so I dont' care if you refuse to get free care, & ask her to pay for it. B/C it really comes down to you getting well. I don't give a cr%^ about your M anymore b/c as I said, I have come to believe you have deeply rooted problems that NO healthy Woman will want to be a part of. You are not really helping your d's much b/c you use them to manipulate your w...or as your back up emotional supports so THEY can comfort YOU....and THEY can give YOU strength, and that is not what a father is for...wow..don't make them your social life support system and replace your dependence on your w into dep on them. They'll grow up soon and have their own lives and what will you have then? Without getting real help and changing....it's not a pretty picture.
So until if and when you get some REAL help, from a professional somewhere, somehow, you won't be GAL, or your M back and I just hope you can keep the job going while you spin your wheels... we're coming on into the summer when the girls will be off so ... you'll use your "alone/lonely" time to fill EITHER GAL, or continue to fill it with things YOU actually SEE as "Filler time" between when you'll see your w and d's again. That's NOT GAL. And you still are not bringing anything to the table for your w, so of course she is not interested...

Enough said.

Good luck, Kev, hope you get the help you need. Don't hurt yourself anymore than you already have, and pray, and get c, take the meds as prescribed and re-read these posts OR the 10 books that have been suggested to you here. Try to not repeat the same sick dependent mistakes a part of you already knows you should not do. Listen to that small part of you that desparately wants to live a healthy life, with or without her.The part of you that is brave enough to change, that wants to get well.


j-

[antlers]

That is a good analogy antlers. That makes a lot of sense. One thing is that I am kind of a homebody. And I guess that is not interesting. I like to get out and do things now and then. But I don't like to be on the go all the time.

So maybe I am kind of a boring person. I don't look for alot in life. I just enjoy being with my family.

Kevin

Then you've gotta change! Do something different! Do things that will occupy your time and thoughts. You've gotta do things that are good for you! Work out, run, ride a bike, etc. You've gotta put some time and space between you two...mentally and physically! You gotta take care of yourself better than you ever have...do it for your kids and yourself! Nobody else!