Hi Sandi, sorry that I don't know you, but I have been reading your posts and was hoping that you can take a quick look over at my new post on Midlife when you get a chance. I know there is not much to go on as I have not been one to post thru all of this, but I am at a cross road as to which way to think about my stich. As I have posted, it seems that H is doing things just the opposite of what most MLCers do so I am confused as to what to think or do as this point. Do I start the persuing myself,or leave him alone as he seems to want to be. Just don't know. Lately when I have called him first, he seems to be happy to hear from me so this has become very confusing as to what to think or do. Well if you get a chance and anything that I can answer I will be glad to. Thanks for your time. Sonni
I am so sorry about the delay in getting back; I wanted to take some time to digest what you have written. To say that I am overwhelmed is an understatement. You have taken so much time, care and effort in writing the response and I quite simply cannot begin to thank you enough. It has meant a great deal to me.
Firstly, yes it has been excruciating; the last 5 months.
Nevertheless I am still here, surviving, looking after our D7 and doing some work where I can. Physically I am not in great shape but am trying to rest and the pain is, at the moment, under control so I am grateful. I am seeing my GP/hospital outpatients next week.I have been in so much pain over the last few months; both physically and emotionally. They have operated twice and now cant seem to find anything outwardly sinister but they are doing more tests. I am starting to wonder whether it is stress related; I suspect not fully but am taking everything one day at a time I guess.
It has been 5 months since my husband left and moved in with OW (although he still denies he is permanently there, he seems to be spending most of his time at his XW's house minding their D15 as XW is in Dublin with partner who has been diagnosed with Prostate cancer).So much has happened Sandi; it has unravelled so badly.The initial shock was one thing but my illness, the OW, his behaviour which has meant I have had to apply for a Safety and interim Barring Order etc have traumatised me. I am NOT the sort of person who has even known what these orders are let alone taking them out on someone who I have loved with my whole heart. I am struggling with myself on this one. On one hand I feel that I have been given no option but to take these orders out, H has been abusive and out of control. The other part of me, as a Christian person believes could there have been another way? I know that you believe that this is MLC; yet I am confused myself as to whether it is. He seems ABSOLUTELY RESOLVED about this; as far as I am concerned he has no outward confusion. Everything seems to be running normally in his life; he sees the same people, same friends, same family. The only person that is deleted is me. He does not try to contact me; at the moment he is passing messages, where necessary (issues around D7 etc) through my Mum. I have not seen him for a few days but he looks very tired, sighing a lot, but not in a dilemma. Surely if he was in a crisis it would manifest itself more outwardly, more people would see a struggle in him? He has been coming to do the gardening here at the house, mowing the lawn, weeding etc.Hw wanders around the house looking at things; seemingly uncomfortable and a bit lost.He is offering to put money towards the bills, and to even switch phone providers as our last bill was very high. Why is he bothering to help? Does this mean a reconnection with us and the house, or has he moved on and is just wanting to be kind and to take care of responsibilities without any emotional residue or attachment? I don't know; I guess I should accept this gratefully? Yet I am not in the same place that he is, he doesn't seem angry anymore, just very pleasant to my mother, civilised and wanting to get on. I feel numb inside and so hurt.Do WAS/MLC people behave like this?
Our D7 has been good in the last few days. I was a little teary last night, I try so hard to keep things from her but I was in pain and very tired, I was crying a little. She got upset and said she just wants her family back together, she wants us to be able to have a family photo so that she can look at it every day, she said that she wants her Daddy to come home. she loves us both so much. She knows that Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore and she wants me to get over it, someday. But she is struggling. I am being as upbeat as what I can be under the circumstances but sometimes I am overwhelmed with what it has done to her life. I want our family together again too. I never wanted this to happen.
Yes Sandi, I was away for my work/career. I have spent the last 5 years working hard at my career and trying to get my PHD so that we may ALL benefit from it.I am a classical musician (pianist) and i have worked my whole life to get to where I am now. I have just won a visiting fellow award to Harvard starting, if I take it up, in the new academic year. I should be proud of myself, happy and I am. But I have been hit with the truth of my life and that is my family. I have tried to love and care for them in the best way that I have known, and that obviously wasn't enough.There has obviously been a huge gap in communication between my husband and myself in that he couldn't let me know how unhappy HE was (although he consistently told me how unhappy he was with my parenting) and I couldn't let him know just how much I MISSED HIM when I was away in London, and how MUCH I MISSED OUR D.And now, by his own admission, its TOO F%%^&&IN LITTLE AND TOO F&&%�IN LATE. It is a tragedy in our lives. But he is making it too late. I have turned my life around and he is seeing that every day. But maybe people do get to a point when no matter what the other person does, they are done? Or, if he truly is in crisis, and his anger is still so apparent, then as you say, he may resent the change.
I believe that God wants the best for all of our lives. I am trying to let go and let God which is hard but small steps every day, small steps. I look at the damage that has happened even since he has left and wonder just how can God bring us back together. It seems impossible that people can find another in a new relationship after so much hurt, betrayal etc. Has anyone got any views on that? I am confused, does dropping the rope still mean that I can leave the door open and stand for my marriage. Is he someone I should even want to be married to? I am confused and I guess I just have to be in that at the moment. The man I married is gone, my marriage that I knew is gone. I understand all of that.I just have to try and move forward in the best way I can with as much dignity as I can. I am getting better about the OW, she features less in my mind which is good, what can I do about it anyway. I got a letter from my L yesterday with a bill for 20,000 euro and I nearly died. I have only been with them 4 months and I haven't even begun legal proceedings at this stage; except for court around safety/barring orders etc.I had done my sums and I had estimated around 6,000, around three of which has already been paid. I do not have any money as it is, and my family are not that wealthy so I will have to appeal this to the circuit court here for assessment.
I guess I am just tired, and upset. I have never even wanted this and yet he has dragged me, my D and my family (especially my mother who has gone through her life savings trying to get us through in the last 5 months) and I am tired and hurt by him. This is not the man that I married.
I am not sure whether I have made a lot of sense here! I have just wanted to respond as honestly as I could. I am working hard everyday to be strong, to see the positives in my life of which there are many, and to assume that he probably wont return, it helps in some ways to know that he is in crisis, even though I don't want him to be in pain.
I just want some peace at the moment, to rest and to grieve and to work out what I can do to make my life the best it can be.
Thank you all for your kindness, and I will be looking in on other threads, I want to start helping others.
Sandi I am so amazed at the post you wrote to innishannon. It was great and I learned so much from it. If you would could you please read or catch up on my sitch and post your opinion as well. Mine and innishannon's are similiar. Some others have given me wonderful advice, but I wanted your take on it as well. What you said to her makes soooo much sense. So much of my xh's behavior is in your post. My xh said to me once, just let me go through whatever it is that I am going through and you take care of the house in case we work this out. Now, I know they say believe nothing, but he sounded sincere. He, after 5 months being divorced, is still so resentful and bitter. We were still intimate for awhile (while waiting on the divorce and I believe a couple times afterward) and afterward he would get so angry, he told me he was angry not at me but at himself and if I didnt want to be subject to it, then I should leave. He would get so angry, that he would physically throw me out sometimes when I would not leave at his first request. I done so many things wrong up until around 6 months, which is just recently. I think you may have given me advice in the past, but I dont know how to list my threads so that I can re-read them. Thank you for you wisdom and time.
Sorry if this is hikjacking, but didn't know how to get in touch with you other than jumping on your thread here. I've not been posting in couple of weeks and am now back. I know you're super busy checking on everyone but would love to hear from you when you have time. I hope you are feeling well. Below is a link to my current thread I just started.
I see that you have lots of requests to read sitch and advise. I'm new to this group and have been reading as much as I can, learning so much, and I find that your posts always stick with me-so direct and insightful. Soooooooo, i'm throwing my request into the pot for you to read my sitch and any feed back you have would be so appreciated. I appologize that my first post is long, I know its a lot to ask.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Thank you all for having so much convidence in me. I hope I won't let you down. I will get to you, but it may take another day. It is late now and I have to turn in for the night.
Iknow each of you are hurting in your own way, but I want to tell you there is always hope. My own M looked and felt hopeless and I thought I would never have any feelings for my H again, but I was wrong. Hang onto that thought and I will talk tomorrow.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much Sandi.Am really looking forward to hearing from you. I feel that things are without hope at this stage but then I remember my faith and trust in God. It keeps me going for me and my D. I feel that there is so much damage done with my H, is it possible to gain ground? Am surviving and keeping strong Innishannon x
I wish I knew the magic words to make everything better for you. It is always sad when there is a spouse in MCL or one who has walked away from M and family. However, your case is extra sad b/c of your physical stuggles. In my heart, I believe that your physical & emotional wellness needs to be top priority b/c without that......you can do nothing for the others you love so much. You are already in a weaken condition and I do agree that the stress level you've endured has probably taken its toll on your body. I'm sure I do not have to remind you how the mind, body and spirit all work together. When one of those are sick.....it affects the rest. Hard to get well with a broken heart, isn't it?
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I am NOT the sort of person who has even known what these orders are let alone taking them out on someone who I have loved with my whole heart. I am struggling with myself on this one. On one hand I feel that I have been given no option but to take these orders out, H has been abusive and out of control. The other part of me, as a Christian person believes could there have been another way?
I am always as honest with everyone as I know how, even if it is not what people want to hear. So, I will tell you that I believe (as a Christian) that you did what you had to do to protect your child. It was not a pleasant task and one you would have prefered to ignore, but our children trust us to defend them since they cannot defend themselves. Do not beat yourself up over this, Shannon. If your H continues to bring it up, you will have to refuse to discuss it until he has come out of this fog and can talk rationally or else have another person to intervene for you.
One thing you must understand and accept about your H is the fact he is not the man you married! You even said so yourself. You know you would never have fallen in love with a person like that. You may never know what caused him to change, but I think I can safely tell you that it was not all your doing! Maybe none of it was your doing, but at any rate, do no accept his blaming you for his behavior at any time in any situation. He is an adult who has freedom to make choices for himself just as you do and, unfortunately, he chose to go down this destrutive path. Would you feel guilty if he were on illegal drugs and accused you of "driving" him to take them? Then why allow this to take root in your mind that you must have not been the wife you should have been or else he would not have turned to the OW? All you have to do is read many, many LBW's stories of how hard they worked to make their H's happy only to discover that he had OW. The way I look at what has happen to your H is like a sickness, just as sure as what happen to you.......EXCEPT FOR ONE IMPORTANT PART......He had a choice and you didn't. Nobody made him do what he did.
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I know that you believe that this is MLC; yet I am confused myself as to whether it is. He seems ABSOLUTELY RESOLVED about this; as far as I am concerned he has no outward confusion. Everything seems to be running normally in his life; he sees the same people, same friends, same family. The only person that is deleted is me.
I am certainly no expert on the subject and may very well be wrong.....which I'm not sure that would be good or bad. Anyway, I was the same way. I was "resolved". You said you could not see any "outward" confussion, but what about the irregular behavior at the courtroom and other things he has done that just blew you away. It made no sense at all why he would do that except to see how mean he could be, right? It is that type of behavior that I am talking about.....the kind that makes no sense. I, too, saw the same people, friends, kept the same job, went to church, done the same activities with my family, etc. At times, a MLCer can put on a very good act and fool the people he/she needs to fool. It is only those that see him/her in the worst of times and in very "personal" situations.
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Surely if he was in a crisis it would manifest itself more outwardly, more people would see a struggle in him?
Shannon, I had the people at work, at my church, even my own relatives fooled. I may have displayed some cranky moods or acted distracted at times, but nobody ever said. I am sure if they knew what I had done it would shock them. I used to think a MLC was a 50 year old man buy a red sports car. Far from it! I had no idea what all it involved. He is denies his own feelings and life that are in a crises and he therefore places your future and the future of his D in crises by making these bad choices.
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Why is he bothering to help? Does this mean a reconnection with us and the house, or has he moved on and is just wanting to be kind and to take care of responsibilities without any emotional residue or attachment?
Off hand, I would say it is more out of a sense of obligation and his own guilt. Of course, he is not going to admit that, but it is my opinion. Just like I continued to cook, wash clothes and clean house......it did not change the fact I was having an EA and in a personal crises.
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I guess I should accept this gratefully? Yet I am not in the same place that he is, he doesn't seem angry anymore, just very pleasant to my mother, civilised and wanting to get on. I feel numb inside and so hurt.Do WAS/MLC people behave like this?
No, you do not have to accept anything from him. In fact, I doubt I would want to be on the receiving end of anything he might decide to tell the court that he has been so "good" to do for his "family". Doesn't it seem odd that he has decided to do this while you are recooperating? Maybe he has done this all along and I misunderstood. If he has, then that is just part of what he does and don't make it out to be more than what it is. Some men actually "want" to do those things. It makes them feel good. On the other hand, if he has recently started......I would wonder about it.
As for him not being "angry anymore", maybe that is b/c there has not been a confrontation? Just wait. You will see the anger when things do not go to suit him. I can't help but wonder if he has some "angle" behind this new tatic. Hope I am wrong. The sudden change to be "nice" to your mother, etc., could have something to do with the fact another person (like his lawyer or OW) got his attention and told him he was digging his grave in deeper by the display of nastiness he was dishing out. When it comes to his D and being able to see her or obtain joint custody (or whatever), it may hold his tongue still.
Yes, sadly, MLCers do behave like this!
Don't be sorry for what you have accomplished in life. It is much to be proud of and you worked very hard to obtain it. We women seem geared to just feel "guilty" when we can't be with our children 100% of the time or if our H has to have a few evenings alone. But your H told you and supported you, so again......don't beat yourself up.
I understand where you are coming from about not telling him how much you missed him, etc. I'm afraid I have way too much pride in that department. Would it do any good to cry and repeat all the times that you "could" have said something but didn't. Would it change anything to get the whip out and draw blood with each lash? No, it would make you feel worse, wouldn't it? Punishing yourself is not going to help you, sweetheart, just learn from this and move forward to be better in the future. That is all any of us can do. Trust me when I say that beating ourselves up may be what we feel like doing for a while.....but it really doesn't help matters. It is in the past......you learn, and if given another chance, you will do differently next time. If not, then you can at least pass what you learn on to your child.
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But maybe people do get to a point when no matter what the other person does, they are done? Or, if he truly is in crisis, and his anger is still so apparent, then as you say, he may resent the change.
I personally believe that is what separates the two categories. If in MLC, he can pull out of it. How long it may take, nobody knows. If he is "done", then he won't pull out and change his mind. If you have patience to wait for him to pull out of the fog, it may be better than the "other" way he could be (done). However, that is not to say he would not get M to OW or do something just as crazy to mess up his life even worse. That is why only you can decide if this "stranger" is worth the wait to see if your H actually returns when the fog lifts.
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I believe that God wants the best for all of our lives. I am trying to let go and let God which is hard but small steps every day, small steps. I look at the damage that has happened even since he has left and wonder just how can God bring us back together. It seems impossible that people can find another in a new relationship after so much hurt, betrayal etc. Has anyone got any views on that?
I also believe that God wants what is best for our Lives. If we humans lived in God's Perfect Will, we would have the best! However, we tend to get in the way and mess our lives up big time! However, God works in mysterious ways b/c His ways are not like our ways and His time is not our time. That makes it hard for us to understand, but He usually does things in such a way that "man" does not get credit for it......He gets the credit. Your job, as a Christian, is to rely on God's power to do with "you" what He wills. As I think I've told you before, He does not interfer with our free-will, therefore, He will not force your H to do what your H does not "want" to do. However, I have seen the Lord work things around for the "good" for those who love Him and are called to His purpose! Don't lose the faith. I have seen what seem to be impossible things, come to pass. Our job is not to try and figure out "how" God will work things (or people) together. Our job is to "trust" Him to do what His Word says. If you truly believe that He wants what is best for you, then you will be able to heal emotionally and be strong enough to accept whatever life may throw at you. If that means your H gets divorced from you, then trust God to have something good waiting for you. Right now you cannot even picture yourself with anyone but your H. That is b/c this is so fresh and raw and the pain is unbearable. If you can hand it all over to the One Who can take care of your needs and your problems (God) and trust Him to do what is best.....then you will be okay.....in every way. BTW, try not to be bitter from what your H has done to you. You are a good person and do not deserve to be turned into a sour, bitter, woman. If you can believe that every man is not out to hurt the one that loves him, then you will be able to trust another person......if that case arises.
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I am confused, does dropping the rope still mean that I can leave the door open and stand for my marriage.
Absolutely! The deal with dropping the rope is simply turning lose of what you are despartely trying to hold onto. He is straining to pull away from you. You drop that rope that ties the two of you together (figuratively speaking) and you move forward in your life as if you will be just fine without him. The odd thing about this is that in many cases it opens the eyes of the WAS to what they are about to lose. However, it doesn't happen "everytime". So, you do not want to gamble and play games. This is something you do b/c you know it is useless to continue to try to tie him to you and b/c you know that you can live your life without him in it. Sure it will be hard, but not impossible by any means. You don't get over loving somebody overnight. You can even stand for your M and keep that door open, but I would not tell him that b/c it will not have the desired effect on him that you wish. He sees the woman he was M to....moving on without him.
Shannon, I can't imagine having huge bills like your lawyer sent you. If you do not file for a D and leave it all up to your H to do, will that make a difference in the final billing?
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I just want some peace at the moment, to rest and to grieve and to work out what I can do to make my life the best it can be.
Yes, that is exactly what you need to do, sweetheart. Nothing about this is going to be easy, but I do believe you are a "lady" with much dignity and class. You will do what is best for your daughter and you. I pray with all my heart that you can lay this at the throne of God and don't try to carry the burden. I know it is easier said than done, but it can be done....I have experienced that in other areas.
Know that we are here for you and will encourage you whenever or however we can. Don't give up posting no matter how things may seem to turn. We have people here who have been around helping others for a long time. Success is not measured in how your MR turned out. You, Shannon, are not defined by your M.
Please take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was hoping you could look into my sitch when you get a chance. I see a lot of people on these forums confide in you. I am dealing with a WAW in a rather unique situation that happened after a major tragedy (death in family). When I was very new to the forums I tended to post in more than one thread unfortunately. I may have to post more than one link. Anyway, take care and thank you in advance!
