I have decided to "do me" and regain a lot more of the joy I used to have. This experience can be exhausting in many respects...the feeling of being moving so cautiously around H in case I upset the delicate balance of things. The instinct to so carefully analyse so many of the steps I take. The constant worrying about whether I am invading physical space.
I cannot let myself live like this. Love is not meant to be a battlefield with a demarcation of different territories. That is war. I choose to walk away from this present set of circumstances by regaining my LIFE.
So, I am going to do me. What is me? It is the funny, fun loving, loves to laugh out loud girl. It is the cool, laid back,jazz loving woman. It is the girl who loves a good party and a great movie. It is the girl who is trusting God to bring her through it all. It is the essence of me that I have mislaid these past few months and I am going to take it back starting now.
I have grown a lot spiritually in the last few months and have realized that I am a lot more resilient than I thought I was. I know I WILL make it. Without a doubt, I know that.
But I have also become so serious, which is only to be expected. I look in the mirror and I see a serious person staring back. A person who feels mentally tired.
Today I am tired of the mental tip toeing and the physical caution in each other's presence. I am tired of analysing what my role is to be in this new dynamic.
So, I am doing me. I am giving myself permission to fully relax in H's presence. To stop analysing every word that comes out of his mouth. To let things truly evolve as they may. To TRULY, TRULY let go because all of the analysis feels like part of me is still holding on to the situation.
I am not sure that I am making sense because I don't think that I have explained this very well. But I am truly going to give this to God in every sense of the word. That means I relax in H's presence, I share physical space without invasion but also without self-imposed tension. I detach more, I guess.
It means that I take back the great parts of me. I will truly be able to laugh and enjoy myself because I am letting go and trusting that things will work out for the best. I will stop wondering if H has notice my new makeup etc because I am really wearing it for me. I will live MY LIFE and try my best to let go of this M being the uppermost thought in my mind. It is too exhausting otherwise.
Don't think that this means I am giving up on my M. I am fighting with prayers and love from a distance. I am just giving myself permission to "do me" and find joy right now. Maybe SP has some leftover mojo he can lend me.
Doing me doesn't mean I will throw caution to the wind and start talking about R and M. It means I let time and space do the necessary work in my M and I stop obsessing about it. Everything now is centering around my M and I feel it is time to change that thought process.
That is my ramble for tonight.
Hi Kara! you don't know me but you post really spoke to me tonight. I've been trying to practice this but keep falling off the wagon so to speak.
My sich is my husband of nearly 25 yrs is having an MLC - "re-examining everything and every relationship in his life" because he wants to be happy together. We are still living in the same house as well.
Just wanted you to know that I wish you the best and will be praying for you. I need to hear your words tonight! M25
