I expressed this to her while driving to town for the fieldtrip and it was not very well received, I just said that I wasn't sure that I could do it.
Backslides happen, guy; don't let it get you down. Put it away. It happened. Nothing you can do about it. Just move forward. Every one of us, male and female alike, has been there.
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I was thinking that the longer I could get her to stay in the house the better my chances would be.
And that instinct is basically right, so long as you Do The Work and Work On You. Doesn't mean you'll stop the Divorce Train, but you'll have a better shot at it. I'm living proof. Train's still departing the station, but maybe the engineer's thinking of a different route.... @ForrestGump needs to check in with you.
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told W that I was sorry but I just couldn't let her stay while she went to school, I just can't look at her face every day for the next year knowing the way she feels(ILYBINILWY).
The writer Ambrose Bierce once said, "Speak from anger and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret." The Buddha observed you will not be punished for your anger but be punished by it.
Okay, that was probably not the best move. But you can't undo it. So let it sit for 24. Then -- concisely -- tell WAW that you were speaking out of sadness and anger, you're actually pleased she's in the house because it's good for the kids, and you just want the situation to be healthy for them. So if she needs to be in the house to get situated, you'll suck it up for the good of the Family Unit -- which you'll be, no matter what happens between the two of you.
Doesn't matter if you don't feel that way. Doesn't matter if your words aren't "real." Fake It Till You Make It.
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Perhaps some loneliness will help her snap out of the whole "I don't have anything left to give" routine.
It definitely could. But she can feel that loneliness in the house, if she sees you "moving on."
Yep, just keep remembering that it does get easier, no matter what happens to your M. I can speak from personal experience, if you let go of the fear (cause you WILL be OK) the sadness eventually turns into happy-sad, given enough time.
Did you name this thread after this song? It's a good one.
Left and Leaving by The Weakerthans
My city's still breathing (but barely it's true) Through buildings gone missing like teeth. The sidewalks are watching me think about you, Sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show. Back with the streets I know Will never take me anywhere but here.
The stain in the carpet, This drink in my hand, The strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say, "I wanted it this way."
Wait for the year to drown. Spring forward, fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined. Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists Of all that you gave me: A blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest. The best parts of Lonely. Duct-tape and soldered wires, New words for old desires, And every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time. Count yellow highway lines That you're relying on to lead you home. That you're relying on to lead you home. That you're relying on to lead you home.
iamlost, yes the thread is named after the song, good catch. Been a weakerthans fan for quite awhile, and the lyrics to this little diddy have always moved me. also, thanks for the kind words also very encouraging, as for things getting easier that is very true, hills and valleys but every once in a while one of my valleys seems to drag on for a hell of a long time.
Smileysperson: Yeah I know backslides happen, I'm not really looking at this as a backslide though, I can honestly say that I can't live with her there for the next possible year or so, I guess I could but at what cost? The resentment would build and surely show itself more often than is healthy for my kids.
My decision has been made and I will stand by it. My W does not seem to be angry about it, in fact she told me quite soon afterwards that the logical part of her brain knew it was a "perfect world" situation and she knew that it probably would not work.
As for the things said in anger, I'm quite sure that none of what I said was in anger, maybe anger at myself for agreeing to something too quickly that I knew deep down could not work, and anger at myself for disappointing my W yet again.
Also, good point about her feeling loneliness while she is still in the house, there are definitely ways that I will be moving on and she will see them.
Thanks again for all your advice, these forums are a real lifesaver, they've pulled me out of some very dark clouds.
So yesterday started out with my wife getting "all dolled up" to go out job hunting, still really hard to get used to my stay at home Mom going back to work. When my W told my D5 about going back to work she started to cry, saying "I just want you to stay home". Made my W all weepy.Just standing there watching her curl her hair was so punishing, she's so damn beautiful, and knowing she feels nothing for me is sometimes more than I can bear, broke down a couple of times....weak.
So as she was leaving my S,2 was crying alot, this affected my W who started to get emotional and had to leave quickly. Good, is that wrong for me to feel that way? Wanting her to feel pain is not the most mature way to think, but damn it feels good.
So I phoned her to get her to pick something up in town about 5 mins later and she was obviously shaken, so I just assured her that it would all work out, which seemed to escalate her feelings, then I told her to "knock em dead" with regards to the job hunting and that brought on the waterworks. So I left it at that. Job well done.
Later after she got home we packed some snacks and a couple of drinks and went off to a local lake with the kids. We just sat on the beach watching the kids play, great afternoon,great conversation, funny how a couple of drinks loosens two people up and can really help the lines of communication.
Thanks again to everyone on here for your words, you all help me more than I could ever express.
Back to work today, called the W early this morning to give her a wake-up call to get my daughter off to school as she requested, quick 1 minute call. Then a couple of hours later she called me just to check and see how I was doing.
Yesterday I asked W if she could possibly call me a couple of times during the day just to see how I was doing, I told her that it would go a long way towards helping me through this, she responded by saying that she would not have a problem doing this.
So when she called me later this morning we just chatted about our nights, being that we are usually up in the night with at least one of our kids, I can count on one hand how many nights we've spent in the same bed from start to finish. I'm pretty sure that didn't help matters.
One of the things discussed was the cost of rent when she moves out vs what she will be earning as well as food, elec, gas,cable, phone, the point I was trying to gently make was that her quality of life is going to be severely lowered making her feel even more lonely and isolated.
Don't get me wrong, I do not in any way want her to stay out of financial hardship, I just want her to realize every implication of what she is doing.
So when she called me in the afternoon she seemed to want to talk about the different rental properties that she had been viewing online, I spoke to her for a few minutes about these things, and then made the rookie mistake of telling her that it still gives me a sick feeling in my stomach to think about it. To which she replied "well I can see you're not in a very good mood so I should go now." I told her that I wasn't in a bad mood , I just can't be her Buddy and talk about these things.
Well yesterday was a bit of a shaky day, first day back to work is always tough, especially being that they are 14 hrs. Stayed in a decent mood most all day, it's just the hour drive home when the mind gets going...How do you stop the incessant mind chatter?
Anyhow on the way home I decided I was going to go on a road trip on my next days off, 8 hrs drive, see a couple of old buddies that I had called up to meet me, a bit of When I got home the W was sitting on the sofa plucking away at the guitar (a gift from me approx 8 years ago) she hadn't picked it up for a couple of years, and it looked like she was really enjoying herself.
After a half an hour or so I mentioned that I would be going away for about 4 days on my next days off. She asked where I was going and what I would be doing so I told her. She got very quiet so after about a half hour or so I asked her what was on her mind, to which she replied that she was just getting used to the feeling of being lonely. Then she started to weep, telling me that she felt so alone and trapped in a place where she had virtually no support.
She said she feels that without a proper education she is destined to live a life of barely getting by.I responded by saying that we had a plan and that plan was to have her be a stay at home Mom until the last child was in school. I then reminded her that deviating from that plan was not my idea.I also reminded her that the plan was for her to go back to work and pursue a career or educate herself.
She took all this quite well, and I didn't say any of it in a snyde or "I told you so' kind of way. She cried on and off for the next hour or so just repeating how the fact that she is 12 hrs away from her support center and that if she was closer she could at least stay at he Mom's and get a decent education.
Later on in the evening after more R talks (initiated by her for the most part)I noticed her looking at me in a way she has lately, I mentioned to her that she was looking at me differently. Then it occurred to me that it seemed like she was searching my eyes to see the "old me" the me that she resented so much. When I told her this she did not deny it, and her eyes were confirmation that she was looking for just that. I then told her to trust what she saw, and that the person who used to be there was gone. More misty eyes.
I asked her if my being positive was something that she wished I would just stop being.I said "do you want me to just stop loving you, go away and leave you alone?" She answered "no", I don't need you to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with, and I accept that you need to express yourself in these ways. "It in no way makes me wish that you'd stop."
Hopeful: I'm doing my best at the DBing, but so much of this effort just seems to be common sense, be calm, be reasonable,show her the respect I would expect shown,and love without expecting any reciprocation.
I know DB talks about the whole idea of 180's, I'm a little different, I like to think of it as the George Costanza. In the episode where George sees everything in his life being miserable an constantly making the wrong choices that take him in the wrong direction, so one day he decides to everything against his instinct to see what happens. Of course George initially enjoys wild success, but of course ends the episode being miserable once again.
I have tried a similar approach to this more than once in my life and have had varying degrees of success. So with a little common sense I will continue to "costanza" and see what comes from it.
I must have missed that episode because I did EVERYTHING wrong! I begged, I pleaded, I cried ALOT, I cried just to get him to comfort me, I cried & begged him to hug me & "just fake it" to calm me down, I got pissed off & told him he was a Pu--y for holding all of his feelings in until he destroyed his family (not to mention throwing water all over him & basically have a malicious temper tantrum that I knew wouldn't help anything, but honestly FELT REALLY GOOD AT THE TIME to tell him EVEYTHING I HAD BEEN THINKING), I talked about the R daily, I tried to prove my point & debate why it was better to stay for our kids...
It wasn't until I started DBing that I started to see baby steps. Plus I think I came to terms with the fact that he wasn't going to change his position & I could realistically look at the role I played to how we got to where we are.
I think you need to just roll with what you are doing...when she is looking into your eyes & she can't see the "old you" anymore, that, my friend, is progress! Stay positive & focused
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
