Well yesterday was a bit of a shaky day, first day back to work is always tough, especially being that they are 14 hrs. Stayed in a decent mood most all day, it's just the hour drive home when the mind gets going...How do you stop the incessant mind chatter?
Anyhow on the way home I decided I was going to go on a road trip on my next days off, 8 hrs drive, see a couple of old buddies that I had called up to meet me, a bit of When I got home the W was sitting on the sofa plucking away at the guitar (a gift from me approx 8 years ago) she hadn't picked it up for a couple of years, and it looked like she was really enjoying herself.
After a half an hour or so I mentioned that I would be going away for about 4 days on my next days off. She asked where I was going and what I would be doing so I told her. She got very quiet so after about a half hour or so I asked her what was on her mind, to which she replied that she was just getting used to the feeling of being lonely. Then she started to weep, telling me that she felt so alone and trapped in a place where she had virtually no support.
She said she feels that without a proper education she is destined to live a life of barely getting by.I responded by saying that we had a plan and that plan was to have her be a stay at home Mom until the last child was in school. I then reminded her that deviating from that plan was not my idea.I also reminded her that the plan was for her to go back to work and pursue a career or educate herself.
She took all this quite well, and I didn't say any of it in a snyde or "I told you so' kind of way. She cried on and off for the next hour or so just repeating how the fact that she is 12 hrs away from her support center and that if she was closer she could at least stay at he Mom's and get a decent education.
Later on in the evening after more R talks (initiated by her for the most part)I noticed her looking at me in a way she has lately, I mentioned to her that she was looking at me differently. Then it occurred to me that it seemed like she was searching my eyes to see the "old me" the me that she resented so much. When I told her this she did not deny it, and her eyes were confirmation that she was looking for just that. I then told her to trust what she saw, and that the person who used to be there was gone. More misty eyes.
I asked her if my being positive was something that she wished I would just stop being.I said "do you want me to just stop loving you, go away and leave you alone?" She answered "no", I don't need you to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with, and I accept that you need to express yourself in these ways. "It in no way makes me wish that you'd stop."
