Hi guys, so much for PMA. Been having a bad day starting from last night. I don't know why I let my H keep on pulling me back in and its like no matter how hard I try I keep getting sucked back in. So H called yesterday and I didn't answer. Last night driving home I decided to call him back. I begged myself that when I call back I would be cool as a cucumber. But nope, got sucked right back in. He went into he's calling to see how I'm doing. And since I haven't been calling in wanted to know if I'm seeing someone else and he knows I'm not telling the truth when I say no I'm just chilling and then brought up but he's coming back home but he's just getting things right. And that got me started. I asked what is one thing you have done to begin to come back home. Have you looked at a place for OW. And then I asked what will happen when she can't afford the rent etc. Will you keep trying to "do what right for your son". So of course he tried to get out of the conversation since he didn't like having this about him now. And that get me more mad b/c he can ask me questions but I must not ask him anything. After we hanged up I called him back saying H look I have feelings, you keep forgetting that I have feelings. And you make decisions not thinking about my feelings. So then the rollercoaster had started and again its like I just couldn't stop myself, I texted him after
Me: the longer you stretch this out the deeper hurt my feelings will be so go ahead and hurt me more if u want to. I don't care.
H: I don't want to do that I swear
Me: Well you r doing it
H: I am sorry
Me:Not if u keep hurting me over and over and over again
Me: And then you want me to give u more time to keep huirting me
Me: Let's be honest here you've had almost 6 yrs and u still need more time. I think the hour glass is almost ourt of sand. You gotta expect that to happen right?
Me: U know until u have moved & have that to tell me pl don't call to see how I'm doing. Tell yourself she's still hurt but living.
H: could u stop
Me: (after calming down) Listen I'm alright ok, I don't want to fight anymore. Just go ahead & do ur thing. I'm shilling & enjoying my life & will be ok. Alright.

And then it didn't stop there, I woke up this morning thinking about this whole f- up situation and got pissed some more. I called H and told him this: I realized that his decision are based on 1. what's good for H? 2. what's good for H's ons? 3. what's good to keep the friendship with OW? 4. what's good for other woman's daughter since she's only a child? And then after if ever it's what good for Vicky, what's good for my marriage? And now he wants time to make sure, h is good, son is good, ow is good, and ow's daughter is good. And then he wants to focus on the M. I told him that I need a man that will consider what's good for me first. Of course H was ready to run from this conversation. And he did. Then I was talking to my mother and she said maybe I should right this down and tell him this since he shutdown when there's too much words. So I text him that his decisions are 1.2.3.4. He said oh hut up now. smile I actually can understand that in hindsight.

Oh, bad bad day. Then BIL calls me and we were talking and he said how he saw H last night and how he can't believe that it has been so long and how he feels so bad for me and last week after I had dinner here he felt so bad when they all left and I was home alone. He said he told H would have come to his senses by now but he looks happy. BIL said he doesn't even really talk to him much now b/c he doesn't understand how he could do what he did. I told him no pity party here I am fine living alone - didn't want him to know it is lonely as hell. Even hyped it up that I would move to another country all alone and that I much rather be here alone than with H driving me crazy. Afterward though I felt awful and feeling like crap that people are taking pity on me. I hate that H has put me in this situation. People use to admire me and now they take pity. So I called H telling him that I'm mad at this whole situation. And of course he wasn't happy to have this conversation at all so it didn't really go anywhere and I apologized for even calling him. This whole day has been a big waste of conversations and emotions. I even started crying today and praying to go why so long am I in this sitation and I want this void in my heart to be filled. I'm so exhauted with this all.

Finally I texted him again: Hey H sorry again about earlier - emotions took over and was having a moment of sadness. Hope u understand. I feel betta & hope u do too.