- a part that I had touched on briefly but actually has alot of bearing on this, her sex drive, sexual satisfaction in general. Did you sex life with your wife slow down to crawl to where you were lucky to have sex once a month (if that).
Thanks for stopping by. Yes my W does see the OM on a regular basis since she works with him, although I don't think they are doing anything together any more.
I wish she'd be willing to go to Retrouville, but she's set on staying "separated" and that she doesn't want to be married any more, etc. Even though we sleep in the same bed and she hasn't budged on moving forward with a D.
So right now, I think she's confused as to what to do. Is that how you felt after your A?
I know you said you turned to these forums for help which was great. My W however, is the type to accept things just the way they are. If she doesn't feel it, she doesn't feel it, end of story.
She also doesn't have any friends that she hangs out with, just her mom and her sister who have gone with the "just do what makes you feel happy" mentality. So it's not like I can depend on them to say anything. In fact, my MIL doesn't like me very much, because (get this) I have a video game system at home. Which I don't play, my kids do, but she thinks its a sign of my immaturity. Yeah and her D messing around with someone older than her isn't immature. Sheesh.
Any way, that's why I was looking for opinions of those who have had an A. Right now she's always depressed looking and sad. I try staying as upbeat as possible around her, but she's gets to be such a downer that it gets to me sometimes and this is just when we're eating dinner together.
Were these mood swings normal for you and Kittyfish?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"If using your term makes you feel more comfortable, continue using it. Mid life crisis/mid life transition... same thing."
It's what the experts with phDs call it not me. Transition - life shift. Crisis - life sh*t
"When you say you did things that were exciting & adventurous, was that from your point of view only? Was she bored or uninterested because she didn't get to offer input? I know you say you asked her what she wanted to do but was this always the case especially in the beginning? Or I'll twist this around even more, did you always ask for input from her originally in the beginning and never took the lead & initiative in this process and possibly that's why she doesn't care of seem invested?"
They were from her POV too. She's the type that never wanted to try new things, so when I would take her out, it would always be different and even if she was hesitant about it, she'd find out she'd love it after.
In the beginning, I would choose an activity and ask if it was okay with her, basically to gage her comfort level with it. After we got M, sometimes I would get her input, most of the time I would just lead and not ask. It was more because she didn't have any input. She doesn't like taking risks.
Ah yes, the classic stages of midlife. I've already evaluated these before and right now she's between 2 and 3. There was a period last year where she wanted to get a boob job, go to the gym, go out with friends, etc. This is how those things went.
Breasts - She went to a consult for her boob job, but claimed that I had made a comment while watching "Deal Or No Deal" about the models' breasts and that put her off. Still don't know what I said and she says she doesn't remember.
Gym - She has had a membership for over a year and only went once for a personal training that she signed up for. Before she went, as a suggestion, I mentioned to her that she should eat a little something and drink water before going. Of course she ignored. She met with the trainer, he had her do a few exercises. She got sick, threw up in the bathroom after 30 minutes and went home. The training was supposed to be for 4 sessions. That training was 3 months ago and she's never gone back. When I asked her if she wanted me to watch the kids so she could go to the gym to finish her training (since we paid for it) she snapped and said she would just go to one of the classes and that she didn't need training.
Friends - While separated for 6 months, she went out with her friends 3 times. Just hanging out at her friends' houses from work. Most of the time she stayed home even on the weekends when I had the girls. I know this because (my bad at the time) I would swing by the place where she lived to see if there was another car. There wasn't.
So right now she is depressed when she's around me and I don't engage her. I stay as optimistic and happy as possible around her and the kids. When we're in bed with the kids, she'll start opening up a little and start talking to me very friendly like how we were before. Then morning comes around and she's shut off again. Weird.
So what do you think?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"- a part that I had touched on briefly but actually has alot of bearing on this, her sex drive, sexual satisfaction in general. Did you sex life with your wife slow down to crawl to where you were lucky to have sex once a month (if that)."
From my POV, our sex life was good before the kids came. After that, I don't know if her perspective of sex changed, but she wouldn't "tell" me she enjoyed it. I could see she did, hear she did, however, sometimes when I asked it she liked it just to check, she would say, "I don't want to".
While we were separated, I asked her how many times she actually felt "in the mood" over the course of the year. She told me twice. I asked what she did about it (masturbate, etc.) She said she'd think about it, but then she'd get tired and go to sleep.
That's why I think she's going through depression. And of course, she believes I am the source of it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
While we were separated, I asked her how many times she actually felt "in the mood" over the course of the year. She told me twice. I asked what she did about it (masturbate, etc.) She said she'd think about it, but then she'd get tired and go to sleep.
That's why I think she's going through depression. And of course, she believes I am the source of it.
My wife and I talked about this too. She said that to her, sex was more of an intimate connection vs. a physical release. So she said that since she didn't/hadn't felt emotionally connected to me, it didn't feel "right" to her. The couple of times we were intimate (about 6 weeks after the bomb), she said that she felt weird afterwards and felt that I took advantage of her (even though she was the one who initiated both times)
Very sad and it really hurt when she said it.... she moved into the other bedroom shortly afterwards.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I conducted my affair when I was away from home for work or shopping etc. Lots of on the phone and email contact during the week.
So, on the weekends I was in a crappy mood as I wasn't getting my fix. During the week when I was I was more happy and upbeat.
Kittyfish,
If you get a chance, can you drop by my thread, my situation has taken a sudden change - she hasn't called/contacted me since Weds nite (normally it was everyday) so I'm not sure what's going on there.
Thanks
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
During your mood swings, would you take it out on your H or just keep it inside? Prior to all this, my W would cry at the drop of a hat, but since then hasn't shed a tear for anything and I'm not talking about our sitch.
I don't know if she's hardened herself to all emotion. It's like living with Spock without the logic.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
During your mood swings, would you take it out on your H or just keep it inside? Prior to all this, my W would cry at the drop of a hat, but since then hasn't shed a tear for anything and I'm not talking about our sitch.
I don't know if she's hardened herself to all emotion. It's like living with Spock without the logic.
I was just really not much fun to live with- but then again he wasn't really at home (hobbies) and when he was he didn't notice.
Whew, this is going to be a long one. I hope it will help you.
You know this is not going to be easy. Your W and OM being at the same work place is going to make it THAT much harder. It's the small things, those small things those OM do that made us feel good at the time. Even if he winks at her, or calls her "babe", or says a code word, or makes a joke only they would understand together....all those things can happen on a daily basis. All those things make her second guess her feelings toward you. She thinks, "HE never did that with me, HE never called me that, HE never makes me laugh, ....I must NEVER have loved Stuck!"
I hate to tell you this, but I think the affair is ongoing. If she says she is "separated" that means she is still having an affair or wants the "ok" to have an affair. She thinks if you would ever find something out, she would be able to say, "Well, I TOLD you we were separated!!!!!" I stayed in the bed with my H until the OM told me that it was not right and basically got mad and made me kick him out. I know...the whole thing is sick.....
There's lots of reasons that she could be stalling the divorce. The one you have to hope is a "top reason", is that she is still unsure about your relationship and whether she wants to leave you. But, she could be stalling because of finances or something the OM needs her to wait on.
During the affairs, I was just evil to my H. I was angry at him all the time, and tried to be away from him most of the time. In between affairs, I was sad. Sad that my H seemed to not be able to compare to the OM. I just kept thinking how "OM1 would have done this ...and he would have done that...." and my H does NOTHING!!!! Anger!!! In fact, if he would get that sad look it would PISS ME OFF!!!! After the last affair, when I confessed to H, and we said we would try again, I was extremely depressed. Nothing made me happy. This OM drug was gone and I was left with a H that didn't meet my needs. We had soooooo much to work on, and it was depressing. EVERYTHING reminded me of the OM. EVERY DAY. I slept a LOT, laid down A LOT. My H let me. DIdn't get mad. It was something I had to get through, and he knew it. I questioned whether I made the right decision. I prayed. I confessed my sins. I laid some more.
Initially, when I recommitted it was purely on faith, and the fact that I did not want to have my son part time. I couldn't bear the thought of it. I depended on this forum a lot.
I know what your wife is feeling. I thought what she thought: "it's either there or it isn't". I don't think that anymore. I realize that my love now for a person would of course be different than the love I had when I met my H those many years ago. I am 13 years older than I was back then. Obviously, I have matured and know and feel things that I didn't know and feel and need before. That's where she is wrong in her thinking about these new feelings she has. Unless she wants to continually change partners every few years, she will need to grow with you. Sure, if she doesn't mind changing partners, she can find someone better than the one before each and every time because as you grow sometimes your needs change. THe key to marriage is growing with your partner, committing to that growth. Would she want a partner that gives up on her and leaves her every few years to find a better wife rather than work at it together?
As for getting those feelings she needs. It is going to take work, a lot more now that she had the affair. And, more than anything, TIME. TIME is the biggest thing. She can't expect that those feelings are going to come all of the sudden. She needs to see the difference between beginning love and mature love.
She may only have her mom and sister who are not supportive of marriages, but at the beginning I only had my egf. So, don't think it is not possible. SHE needs to educated herself on affairs and love and marriage. SHE needs to realize things. HOw? That's for you and GOd to figure out. There are lots of ways to do this.....talk to her yourself, get her to go to Retrouvaille, a counselor, have a close couple talk to her, get someone that had an affair from your church talk to her. Pray. Meanwhile, you work on yourself. Work on those things that she has always wanted you to do. If it is the trash, then take the trash out. Even if it is a small thing, or a thing that would take a lot of effort. Let her see you read books about it, look attractive, not needy, look like you will be fine without her...because you really would. Be any girl's dream of a man.
