You are not sure of what you want b/c of how she has yanked you around and messed with your heart & mind. To take it a day at a time and be willing to wait is a big deal. It takes strength to do that!
Exactly how I feel. It does take strength, but just like building muscles, the more I do it, the stronger I feel. I am soooo much stronger than I was a year ago. Quite amazing actually!
I really have a hard time seeing her ever being truly remorseful over this. She is so convinced it was such a good thing, which is brutal on me, I have to say. However, I'm already well on my way to forgiving her. I wouldn't be able to act the way I do around her unless I was. I don't want to carry so much anger around in me. If she does come back, and if I feel it is genuine, I think I could forgive her and be happy. I she is truly gone, then I'm already on my way to a new life. I won't let this hold me back, and forgiveness is a big part of being free.
I think my W's affair with OM is different than yours was Sandi. She knew him when they were teenagers when she lived in this other country, and he was totally in love with her, but she wasn't interested. Because of that past, she trusts his feelings for her are genuine, and he is smitten to finally get what he wanted so long ago. Of course it is still so much fantasy, as what I said is still true. They share no responsibilities, and they have little realistic chance of a future together. He has said he won't move here, and she won't leave the kids. Still, she professes to love him. Meanwhile, she flirts with me and invites me out for a secret meet up. What the ??????
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Every couple/family these days seem to get lost easily in the hustle and bustle of life. I see couple running their legs off with their individual careers and getting the kids off to ball games or other activities......and it all sounds good, but in reality, I think it is killing the family unit. It certainly is doing a number on the MR b/c the couple has not "time" for each other. When they are together, they are so exhausted and stressed about "life".......it takes away from their R with each other.
I agree with you 100%. I think the American family culture has seriously compromised the strength of the M in favor of the kids. Not quite sure why.
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Oh, I hope she will begin to see the hollowness in that R. If she can see through the fog just a little bit, she'll know she's pushing aside a wonderful man and life. Your part in this is hard. Your part would be to "wait" and give the A with OM time to fizzle out.
I have to admit, the advice FightingFit is giving on the Infidelity forum is compelling. If my W does have as much of a connection to me as I think she does, would a sincere ultimatum of either OM or me have a chance of working? And I mean a SERIOUS ultimatum, like breaking off all communication, and changing our co-parenting arrangement to one of true separate custody, where she has no involvement in my time with the kids, and vice versa. Or am I best slow playing this, like I have been all along? My gut says to slow play, and not just as a strategy. I've come to know that I don't want my W to come back to me out of fear. Regardless of what's happened so far, I want her to come back because she has fixed something inside herself, she can see that I've fixed myself, and that we really could have a totally new, much better R. I want her to come back excited about NEW possibilities. I believe she needs to experience me differently for enough time to trust that the changes are real before she would allow herself to take a chance.
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Just be careful about pursuing. It is not a matter of her being worth pursuing......it is how she will re-act to it. I know with me, the more my H pursued me, the worse I got. I use to want him to do that in our earlier years, but after I was in my crises......it worked in an opposite way. So, continue to use your sex appeal, be flirty, friendly, fun, and all those things, but remember that a WAW is like a bird ready to take flight at the least bit of pressure.
I will be careful, and I think maybe I have overdone it a bit, so I'll pull back now. I was so excited to hit her right between the eyes with my confident declarations of my desire for her, a big 180 for me. I now want to give her time to reflect on what she saw in me. I want a little voice inside her to start whispering "You could have it all", when she's stuck talking with OM on the phone or over the Internet. It felt very good when she pursued me back a little bit with the secret meet up. Why would my W invite me out after I made such a clear declaration of my desire for her, if she had none for me? Usually in such a lopsided situation, the one who is desired feels uncomfortable around the other. Uncomfortable is not exactly how I'd describe her attitude toward me that night!
I'll let things sit for a while now. I was supposed to go to my son's little league game tonight, which is always good time for her and I to hang out and talk and flirt, but I have a basketball game tonight so I texted her and told her I wouldn't be there. She texted back "Too bad. Good luck!"
