This was THE single hardest thing for me to understand, and I STILL grapple with it: I . . . DON'T . . . GET . . . TO . . . CONTROL . . . HER.
I also, like SmileysPerson, like to fancy myself a bit of a wordsmith, and I always felt like if I could just SAY THE RIGHT THING, use the RIGHT WORDS, in JUST THE RIGHT COMBINATION, that -- somehow -- I could convince my wife to change.
Wrong. Not only CAN'T I do that, but it's not even my RIGHT to do that.
DO NOT to communicate with in-laws about marriage issues. If in-laws side with you and put pressure on your W that will backfire as your W will perceive you to be driving a wedge between her and her parents/siblings. Or the in-laws will just convince your W even more that what she is doing is right.
As Puppy and PMA Baby said - there are no magic words or formula that will bring your W back.
M - The bottom line is you are still in CONVINCING MODE. This is about CONTROL. You NEED to realize that you CAN'T CONVINCE her to come back. You have to REALIZE that you have NO CONTROL OVER THE S WHAT SO EVER... Especially with words or letters. She has to see what she needs to see over a certain amount of time she determines. Are you STRONG enough for that? She also NEEDS to do this by herself and NOT w OM involved. Until that all bets r off.
About MIL. Same rules apply. NO R talk. Let your actions over time speak for themselves. Plus u never go between a mother and daughter. Just validate but no R talk. Change the convo to something positive.
PMA
Your right, I guess I got into that mode from the reaction after her reading the letter. I think it gave me hope even though it didn't change anything. Funny thing was it made me feel good to see her in pain from it. Kinda sick, I know but I'm sure a lot a people here can relate to that feeling after what we have been though. It felt like I knocked a brick out of the wall between us and I could get my hand through. Obviously that wasn't the case.
And you DID probably knock a brick out of that wall. But what happens is, as long as they're still in contact with OM, they just put up a new brick in there, very quickly.
This was THE single hardest thing for me to understand, and I STILL grapple with it: I . . . DON'T . . . GET . . . TO . . . CONTROL . . . HER.
I also, like SmileysPerson, like to fancy myself a bit of a wordsmith, and I always felt like if I could just SAY THE RIGHT THING, use the RIGHT WORDS, in JUST THE RIGHT COMBINATION, that -- somehow -- I could convince my wife to change.
Wrong. Not only CAN'T I do that, but it's not even my RIGHT to do that.
That took a long, long time to sink in.
Puppy
Well said; me too. If I hadn't had the benefit of this board I wouldn't have been able to get on the learning curve on this as fast as I did.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
She has to see what she needs to see over a certain amount of time she determines. Are you STRONG enough for that? She also NEEDS to do this by herself and NOT w OM involved. Until that all bets r off.
PMA
I don't know if I'm strong enough honestly. I'm only a couple months into it and a couple of months away from the court date. Everyone says I'm doing really good so far considering the sitch. I'm just taking this one day at a time for now.
I'm confused though, which letter did you give her, the one immediately above or about 10-12 posts back (and typed in blue)?
Alex, I gave her a letter that had a blend of great phrases that I found here on the boards along with a lot of my own words. All of what I gave her is how I felt, which is the main thing, even though a lot of the words were from amazing people including yourself. I have always struggled to put my feelings into words. This is something that I need to work that will take time. I'm working on it though. I have been journaling and writing down every time I want to call her. Being here has helped the most along with talking to friends. I truly have changed because I would have never opened up to anyone before this happened. Everyone that knows me sees me changing (especially the weight loss) for the better. I have everyone here to thank for the support and courage to do it.
Hey, I can't say I didn't "borrow" thoughts from others when I wrote what I did (it was my timing that sucked)... I was actually honored to see some of my own words and hope they serve you better than they served me!
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
