I was supposed to go dark. But here I am wondering if I should bring up marriage counseling again with my WAH who hasn't been going with me. And I went I called and texted him yesterday about stepson and went over there. I take it you don't think I've been going dark?
What is my idea of dark? I guess it would be to move forward with my life and do NOT contact him. Detach from him. Be busy and upbeat when he does come around. Project happiness.
What is everybody else's idea of going dark?
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4years M 9 1/2 months Stepson 9 H left on 5/17/09
You'll never be able to go completely "dark" since you want to be active in your SS life. So go "dark" in terms of living your L without your H in your mind.
Spend quality time with your SS, be nice to your H when he's around (looking as attractive as possible), then go out with your friends or take up some hobby that you've always wanted to get into.
Let him think that you've moved on.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Today has been hard. H hasn't called or emailed since he moved his stuff out a couple days ago. I cried several times. I just feel so sad and hurt and alone. I'm even crying as I write this. My doctor prescribed me an AD 3 weeks ago when H left. I was hoping it would have kicked in by now. Maybe it has and I would be much worse if I wasn't taken it.
I'm going to force myself to take my dog for a long walk even though it's cold, breezy, and cloudy. I'm going to make myself go out later to the wine bar and have one drink and be social. I need to make more friends in my new town. I need to be around people. I can't stand being alone.
I wonder if my H misses me.
I'm not even going to call about stepson anymore. He's not bringing him over here, so I think I need to go completely dark. Let him at least miss the stepmothering I gave his son.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 9 1/2 months Separated 3 weeks stepson 9 1 dog 1 cat
So I was curious and wondered if my WAH and stepson were home. SS had a doctors appt. in the city today. And I was just wondering if they were back in town or if they had stayed at MIL in city tonight.
I didn't drive directly past his house, but rather a block away. I could see his car outside, I also saw H walking outside his house toward downtown. Ex must have SS tonight. He didn't see me. So I drove down main street just curious as to where he was going. I saw him walking on main street, but I kept driving. I don't know if he saw me or not. I don't care if he did. At least he was alone.
Is this too close to stalking? I know I really need to GAL. Looks like H. is enjoying single life, so I will too. Tonight I'm going to get dolled up and have a glass of wine at the wine bar and socialize. A glass of wine help me sleep.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 91/2 months stepson 9 sep 3 weeks 1 dog 1 cat
just wanted to say that I share your concern/confusion regarding separation when there are no kids that create necessity of some communication. I know you have your step son, but hear you in that it makes GAL and 180's more difficult "to broadcast" without regular sharing of kids.
I also am close to my WAH's family and am unsure about how to procede with communication with them. Initally it was all "he is making a mistake, we are here for you both, you are part of our family even if he has lost his mind", but of course as time goes on the communication has become cool and a bit strained. I know they feel disloyal talking to me and it makes me mad but I get it. Sort of.
I think it's great that you never carried on or begged...always great when there is not damage control to do on that front, and that he will never have that picture of you in his mind. I say keep up with the positive changes, 180's to what you hear him say was a problem for him in the marrige. If it was being critical, of course stop and point out positives- saying thanks for brininging over step son is a great example.
hang in and let us know how it is going... travel
Last edited by traveldane; 06/06/0903:06 AM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
IMO I think the driving behind WAH is dangerous...definitely would look like stalking and would require major damage control. You don't want to lose what you have built up by not looking desperate so far.
Good call on the wine bar/socializing. I know its hard to meet new people in a new place, especially when you feel like you have lost your best friend of all. I was out one night at concert and some stupid groupie girl was rude to me in the crowd. Usually I would have just laughed but was feeling so vulnerable already that I almost left the show. It's really hard to keep you chin up but sounds like you are doing a good job. Keep on...
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Thanks for your empathy, traveldane. I really appreciate it.
I actually wasn't driving right behind WAH, just down main street to see where he was going. Still not a good idea, though.
I had a good time at the wine bar last night. I met an older couple who were so friendly and nice. They're dog people, too, and they invited me to their 40 acre summer estate the next time they're in town to run/walk my dog. So a good GAL evening.
Weekends are especially long,lonely, and hard. Do I continue going dark or should I call him and ask how SS is? I think I won't call, even though it breaks my heart that he doesn't even call to let me know how SS is.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 9 1/2 months stepson 9 sep 3 weeks 1 dog 1 cat no D filed
I really hear you on the lonely weekend thing. I hate it too. I think that at you should stay distant a little longer before calling. How long has it been since you last had any contact?
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
The last time H and I spoke is when he came over on Thursday to pick up SS's trains. I agree with you, staying distant is what I need to do now. Let him come to me.
Do you have any weekend plans? I think I'm going to a resort/university town about 3 hours away. I need to get out of the house and if I take a little weekend trip, maybe I won't think about him as much. I've heard the sushi bar in that town is good. But I need to gain some weight, so maybe a hearty steak dinner tonight instead.
How long since your H contacted you?
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4years M 9 1/2 months stepson 9 sep. 3 weeks 1 dog 1 cat No D filed
