You sound sooooo much better. I am very relieved to hear some things you are saying. I think when you decided to stop taking all the blame for the stitch and giving yourself daily beatings, then you were able to see more clearly what she was really doing. Then, the resentment and anger started to set in. That is okay. I think it is a stage you have to enter and frankly, I think it is high time you got angry!
Yes, you have understood (I think) what my gut feelings are about her. I think she is malnipulative and uses her past as her main tool in trying to control you. I agree with a lot of what "theroadback" said on that subject.
You said you wanted to show her that you still love her and you wanted to stand for your M. You aren't sure how to do that with actions and not words. However this quote said it very well:
Quote:
Hence, I'm trying to show her that I really do love her while I am prepared for a life without her.
As you have time, you can figure out how to "show" her without words and getting a personal life while you are dropping the rope and moving forward may sound as if you are not loving her or standing for your M, but you can. GAL and dropping the rope does not change your beliefs and your standards. It does not change your desires. However, you cannot continue doing what clearly was not working! I think you have finally seen that! Time for a new plan of action. She must reap what she is sowing and let her suffer the consequenses of her decisions. That may be hard for you to be on the side-lines while she does that and you may be tempted to run in to rescue her. DON'T DO IT! She may call and cry and tell you more of the same old crap and how horrible the kids are treating her and how bad she has it. Don't rescue her. If you do......everything will be lost! She must suffer what she alone decided for this family. Don't make things easy for her in your desire to get the family together. Go about living your life and enjoying each day without all her interference. Do not stay on that phone listening to her. As I told you before, tell her you are busy and have to go, or that you aren't going to listen to the same replay of what you have already heard. She really must find out that she cannot control you and your life any longer before she will take notice and want to change what she is doing. Do you see that? As Theroadback said, she has all the power and is loving it. Don't fall for her dramatic scenes.
I do encouage you to get more involved in things besides the time you have with your boys. You need activities and time with friends. This leads me to what Theroadback said about dating other women. I do not agree that you need to do this now. Fist of all, you are too vulnerable and I strongly believe it would add a tremdous amount of confusion to your stitch. You certainly don't need another female to deal with. Too many women are out there looking for a R with a man. Being in your emotional state with your W only makes you that vulnerable to the ego food from another woman. Look at what happen to me! I fell for all that ego food from OM. I wanted to feel my self-esteem built up, also. Of course it would feel nice for a female to flirt and tell you what a hunk you are and make you feel like God's gift to the female gender. Believe me.....there are millions of women on the prowl looking for the next sucker. A "rebound" R with another woman would be soooo easy right now. Why would you put yourself in that position? Don't you have enough problems? I even tell people they are taking a chance when they go to the bar scenes where single people, or M people looking to cheat, hang out trying to snare somebody. The temptation is there waiting for somebody to take the bait. The hook is hidden beneath all the phoney games people play with each other when at these places. Too many lives have been ruined by one night of lonliness with the opposite sex. Oh, sure, I know somebody can say that you can date and not have sex with them. You can just go out to dinner with them, etc. PLEASE!!! It is very, very rare that that happens b/c you have been in a MR and you miss that. You miss the intimacy you had and your body certainly misses the sex. So, I don't want anyone pretending that it is "only dinner". I think as long as you are wanting to reunite with your wife, then you sure don't need to keep one on one company with any female.....even "just a friend" female. Being in a safe group of old friends is probably the best way to go. Even then, you have to be on guard b/c there is too much hanky/panky going on these days. Always seems to be somebody who would gladly spend the night or have a "quickie". So, stay safe and pick your places and your company wisely. You don't want another heartbreak on top of this one. If you have some buddies that you can spend some time with......I would encouage you to do that. You need fun times.....not talking about the MR. You need a break from all the drama. Is there any particual activity that you use to like before you were M? Maybe you have wanted to try something new? This is your time for that.
Hope you understand what I said about moving on with your life (dropping the rope) and yet not throwing away the possibility that some day your W may get her head straighten out and things could work out. You just don't allow that desire or hope to dictate your life any longer. You must move forward.
It would need to be a new MR and not this old one you had. That was unhealthy and she sure needs a lot of healing and make a lot of changes before entering into a new R with her.
I think that the general advice from your posters have mainly said the same thing (except for the dating). People have their own style and words, but I have read it and it sounds as if you are receiving the same encouragement to move ahead and drop the rope. Give her time and space and make her miss you. You asked if "dark" could do that and could it be attractive. OH YES!! Very much so! How can she miss something that is available whenever she wants it? You become attractive when she thinks she can't have you. That is why you do not discuss your "plans" of going dark or dropping the rope and moving forward. You don't tell her this......you just do it. If you tell her what your plan of action is.....that would be the same as showing the opposing team your game plan. Not a smart thing to do, right? So, be careful in those phone conversations b/c she is still pulling you into R talks.
Okay, must go for now. Talk later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
