I am new to this group and still learning but have been reading about others stories and the feedback and have found it very helpful to far. I'm hoping for some feed back on my sitch.
Here is my story, a bit long so apologies.
H and I have been married five years, together 10. We were young when we began living together (me 21, H 23). We have always had difficulty regarding finances, mostly in that I became responsible for paying all bills and managing money as he chronically avoided it. While he has always been a hard worker, I felt burdened with constant financial management responsibilities and have been resentful. I would nag until we would have periodic arguments about it, he would promise to become more involved, but then things went back to the same pattern.
H is a very social person and over the years I often deferred to activities he prefers (sports, coaching, etc.) and to making friends with his friends and their wives. I also felt that it was difficult to get him to be enthusiastic about interests that I had. He has always been extremely generous and supported me in my interests, encouraging me when I completed my masters degree and when I needed to travel internationally for work, but if it came to outings and activities that were more up my ally (gallery opening, book signing, talk given at local University, etc.), he was reluctant, judgmental and I felt like I was dragging him there, making him do something he was bored or uncomfortable with. Yet afterwards, he would tell everyone about the event and how interesting it was!
Still, we got along most of the time, had a shared sense of humor and fun. I always felt that he loved me, was proud of me, that I was the most important thing in the world to him. He was very attentive in gift giving and complimenting me. Together we built our careers and began planning to buy a house and start a family.My H was very eager to be a father.
Last year was difficult for us due to a consistent serious of major life stressors. Most significant for us was loosing a pregnancy in July 08 at 6 1/2 months, where I then delivered the stillborn baby boy and we began a series of medical tests to determine the cause of infant death. It was determined that my husband and I are both carries of a rare genetic disorder and that each pregnancy we would try to have would have a 25% chance of being affected. At first we pulled together and supported each other during this awful time and I remember feeling so bonded with him.
During this time, my H's family also was in turmoil. Immediately after the death of our baby, we drove 10 hours to our home town to be with H’s family to help with the family problems, attend a funeral and help care for a sick family member. My husband has experienced abandonment by both his parents over the past few years for which he feels very hurt and resentful. My family has been very supportive of us both and we tried to take some R&R but it really didn’t happen.
Following the pregnancy loss my husband started a new job and I pressed on with my job, which I have been unhappy with for quite a while but stuck with because it has good flexibility and benefits (maternity leave). Last fall we both were pretty depressed about the pregnancy loss and dealt with it differently. At one point my H told me he could not talk about loosing the baby because he was under huge pressure at new job and “could not go there right now”. I was hurt but accepted this. Then, I felt him pull away from me-he began falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV, stopped calling or emailing me during the day and did less and less to help with household responsibilities. He worker longer and longer hours, made new friends at new job, got great validation for his work there, and only wanted to be with them. I grew more resentful. By November we began arguing and the intensity grew worse and worse with long periods of silence in between. I felt completely shut out by him. At one point I stated that I had enough, that if things did not change I wanted out. He was very hurt by this statement but made an appointment for MC immediately, which I appreciated greatly, but after 4 sessions it seemed he was loosing motivation to try. He stopped telling me that he loved me. At that time the counselor suggested he do IC to deal with long history of family issues. We stopped MC until he could pursue IC, which he began in December. MC was put on hold until he had a handle on his own issues.
We got through the holidays and it was pretty awful. I was working tons of overtime and trying to keep up with all out household responsibilities, he was further isolating himself and our fighting continued. We went to visit family over New Years and I got sick with the stomach flu. The nausea reminded me of being pregnant and really upset me, bringing up all the feelings of pregnancy loss. H was unsympathetic and I felt very abandoned by him. All he wanted to do was talk to other people about his great new job. Still, we got through the week, and when we returned home I began making a real effort to infuse some fun into our lives through outings, realizing that we had really drifted apart. H seemed to appreciate this, but also remained distant and would blow up at me over the smallest thing.
I found out at the end of January that there was an OW since November, a colleague at work that he was involved in an EA with. I confronted him and he was very ashamed and guilty. He called his IC and she suggested we spend a week apart “to decide what we both want”. I was stunned and did not know what else to say other than “ok I guess”. But of course I went into panic mode and became clingy, needy, angry and desperate. He wanted more and more space and continued to talk to OW via phone “because she is the only one who understands me”. He also acknowledged that he never dealt with the loss of our child and that perhaps he associates our relationship with that sadness but remains unwilling to discuss it further.
I stayed with friends throughout February and March. During that time he indicated that he wanted a separation because he felt so ashamed and that he wanted to work on his own issues. I said that he could do that but only if there was NC with OW. He grew angry and refused. I could not believe it. He said weird things like “I need to be on my own. Maybe in a year…”. This was so unlike my H. I was hurt and baffled. Over the next few weeks, he began to say that he felt our relationship was damaged beyond repair, that he could not look by the arguing we did that past fall. He recognized that it occurred due to major stress and bad communication and that he felt very responsible for the demise of the marriage, however stated that he did not want to try to fix anything. He said “I hit a wall this fall, gave up, turned to another person for support and I am not ok with that. I could never feel good about myself in our relationship again”. He also said he had felt only obligation toward me for a long time, and felt that we did not have enough in common or enough good times to string together. At that time I awknowleged some of the things I realizezd I had done/not done that contributed to our marriage break down. While he was appreciative, he continued to state that it was too late to try in his mind. I asked if he loved OW. He said he was not sure, but that he knew she was a distraction because he was lonely and but was not willing to put that relationsip aside to think about ours because she was "the only good thing" right now. WTF! He told me he liked that she was in the same line of work as him and that he admired her skills. When I asked him, he sadly said he didn not know when he stopped admiring me for what I did. He said he thoguht I was "a terrific person" but that he thought we were now good together any more.
We moved out of our house in April (we were renting) and have lived apart since with very little contact other than regarding our shared bills and a few times when we met to walk our dog together in the park. I was trying to build up some positive interaction between us but he has been very focused on maintaining distance and said he is sure he wants a divorce. He said he wants to live on his own, learn to manage finances and not have obligations to anyone.
At this point he has his own apartment, continues to talk to and see OW (and God only knows what else with her).He has isolated himself from all of our mutual friends and from his own family. He vacillates between working 14 hour days and going out every night to drink and party to staying in his apartment alone all weekend in a deep depression. A few times I have talked to him and he has been tearful and states “ I am so messed up” but then gets embarrassed and indicates that he does not need or want emotional support from me. At that time he had not made any move to file for divorce. He is very passive aggressive and I believe he thought I would do it.
I am devastated by this course of events. Loosing our child was horrible but I never would have thought I would lose my marriage. I recognize that some of our issues began before the pregnancy loss and bad course of events in his family, however still feel like that waxed us pretty badly and left us both demoralized. No wonder our marriage suffered. Regardless of the deplorable way he has behaved, I do understand that he also is hurting and I know that prior to all this he was a good person, very kind to me. My family is shocked; they too feel like this is so unlike the person they knew for many years. All our friends keep saying “He loved you so much,adored you, we could always see it”. I don't understand how that just goes away completely.
I have used the past few months to work on myself. I have gone out with friends, began to identify that I was unhappy at my job and to consider mistakes I made in our marriage even before the pregnancy loss. I have engaged in my own IC, have pursued a writing class that I have long wanted and began exercising 4 days a week. I started taking an antidepressant, am now sleeping, and have gained back some of the weight I lost when I was frantic this winter.
At this point I am planning to move closer to my family (and his as they are in the same area), start a new job and try to rebuild my life. However, I still can’t believe that my H gave up on our marriage, was not willing to try to rebuild it. I hurt every day, all day, despite my efforts to GAL and it’s been 4 months! Recently he told me he obtained the petition for divorce paper work and was planning to file it because he feels “it’s the right thing to do”, “It’s what I need right now”. He also told me that he realized his needs were not being met in the relationship, but that he didn’t realize it or tell me so it was not my fault. WTH! I think his IC is brining up these terms and he is exploring those ideas for the first time. Great.
In an effort to follow DB’ing LRT, I have been dark for the past month ( 3 ˝ weeks really). I have stopped pursing. However, when he told me about the plan to file for divorce I calmly told him that I don’t believe it’s the right thing to do, that I think he is being unforgiving about the mistakes that we both made under a lot of stress, that I still loved him and would have like the chance to rebuild the marriage. I also said that I was glad he was working on his own issues, that I wanted him to be happy, and that I was going to continue on with pursing things that were making me happy right now. He sounded sad during the conversation but also ever avoidant of the whole issue. I got off the phone first, saying I was going to meet some friends for dinner.
Now I am at a real loss for how to proceed. Despite well meaning friends and too my own surprise, I still am not ready to give up on this marriage (no one knows how they will feel until in a situation, I see that now). I don’t know how to proceed. I am staying dark, as he clearly wants his space, but also wondering if this is the right 180. I don’t know what exactly he meant by “my needs were not being met in the relationship” but am guessing some of it had to do with a decrease in admiration and attention from me.
So should I show this? Will pursuing a bit from a far (maybe a post card saying thinking of you) be smothering, or would it be appreciated?
I am currently back and forth setting up a new home in Boston and finishing up old job where we both lived (DC). If I move away and stay away, will he forget about me for good? How will I have a chance to have any positive interaction with him, inititate a friendship to start over? During this whole time he has only initiated contact with me regarding financial obligations, often past the deadline of when things were due. Once he invited me to walk our dog, but it was after I had indicated that I missed her. I think going dark has no affect on him…I really think he wants me to just disappear.
Sorry for the very long back story post. Any advice?
