my story... finally

[sandi2]

My friends keep asking me "What do you want?", and I keep telling them "I don't know, and I don't think I need to know yet!"

You are right......you DO NOT need to make any rash decisions now. I don't understand why people get into such a big hurry about those things. Maybe b/c we live in such a fast paced world and feel the urgency to move quickly. However, too many fatal mistakes have been made by quick decisions. She doesn't know what she wants. She MAY THINK she does......but she's still in that confused state of mind. You are not sure of what you want b/c of how she has yanked you around and messed with your heart & mind. To take it a day at a time and be willing to wait is a big deal. It takes strength to do that! IMHO, the easy way out is to run away and leave it. People see it as escaping the pain, but I think the pain only follows the person wherever they go. Tell your friends not to push you and that you will make up your own mind in your own time.

Sometimes the attitude on the board here, and with my friends and family, is that this will only be resolved if my W comes crashing down, then comes back to me, begging for forgiveness.

Since my "crises" was not exactly like a lot of others, maybe I should not offer my opinion, but you know me...... I can see her coming with the crash, but to go running back and begging for your forgiveness may or may not happen. I did not feel remorse for a very long time and even though I told my H that I did not want to "hurt" him........in my heart I tried to blame him for what I had done. It took a great deal of time and actually praying for God to help me feel repentent of my wrong doing before I could honestly show my H my sincere regret. I am not sure why that is a huge part of the MLC, but from what I have read, most of the MLC'ers have a real problem with asking for forgiveness. What you have to ask yourself is if you could/can forgive her even if she never asks you? Whether the two of you get together or not, I hope for your sake you are able to find forgiveness b/c it is will free you up and allow peace to reign in you. Otherwise, it will be like a cancer eating away at you the rest of your life and leave you a bitter old man. You don't want to live life like that!

she knows, and I know, that something was fundamentally missing from our M.

That is so true in "most" cases. I just told another poster that it is not right to blame the LBS for the other one's MLC and I still believe that. However, I do believe that it usually takes a breakdown in a MR to lead to the WAS syndrome. It certainly does not help when a person is headed for a MLC, but I think there are some great people out there who were totally unaware of anything wrong (maybe they were blinded?) in the MR when their S fell head first into MLC. My H trusted me with his life. That was the one thing that we both had that was treasured......our trust in each other. That was why I got by with the secret EA as long as I did before I was caugt......and then it was by accident. He just could not believe I would ever betray him like that! Neither did I. When I look back at all the things that took years to take place.....and see them line up hitting me over and over.....I could easily "blame" all of that and say it was not "my fault" but that would be a cop-out. I take full responsibility for my actions. I knew what I was doing.....even if I was in denial at first and maybe even blind to my own stupidity. Sure my H failed. That is why I was so angry when he said he had never done anything wrong! That is why it took me so long to have a desire to try to stay in my M for the "right" reasons. But the bottom line is that it was my actions that almost ended a 40+ year M.

I have to face the truth that this probably was the only way to throw us far enough away from each other to allow us to see each other with truly new eyes

Maybe that is what Rob meant in his statement to Stuck. I don't agree that MLC is good! But, I see what you are saying, too. Sometimes, it does take something tragic to wake us up. As humans, we have better hind-sight than fore-sight and we tend to want what we think we've lost. We are strange
creatures!

You can tell from my posts that we have a connection, we have since almost the moment we met. Our recent time together has shown me that her A and our separation have not severed that connection. Even through the MLC/WAW fog, that line is there.

That is why I think there is a great chance for healing over this. There was a sexual attraction from the beginning and it is still there. As long as that exists.......man, you have so much going for you! Unfortunately, I did not have that for my H. It is awfully hard to make it work when that is not in the picture.

She wants an intense love, whereas ours was closeness, trust, friendship. The thing is, I wanted that intense love too. We were just so mired in our life

That intense love was so much a part of my fantasy. B/c I felt that I had missed out on a lot of sexual excitment and had known only one man intimately......I wanted to experience have some type of magic, volcanic, type of sex/love/affair. But it was only a fantasy. The OM only wanted the sex and he was willing to tell me anything I wanted to hear to get me into a motel with him. He was very talented in his way of words. He probably was very experienced at that! I am so thankful that it never reached the PA level.

Every couple/family these days seem to get lost easily in the hustle and bustle of life. I see couple running their legs off with their individual careers and getting the kids off to ball games or other activities......and it all sounds good, but in reality, I think it is killing the family unit. It certainly is doing a number on the MR b/c the couple has not "time" for each other. When they are together, they are so exhausted and stressed about "life".......it takes away from their R with each other. Maybe b/c I grew up in a different era where things were not so fast paced and I was able to see another generation and lived a different lifestyle......and now I have lived long enough to observe my children's generation and what it is doing to them. Sadly, it is affecting the "baby-boomers" too. I am seeing so many of my generation that have been M for decades and then D. Seems as if nobody gets by free of charge these days.

Now she's got this OM, where every one of their interactions is essentially a fantasy vacation. They share no responsibilities. I'm sure it's fun and exciting, but I wonder if she's starting to feel its hollowness, as compared to our connection,

Yes, it was a need/desire that sent her "looking" and her own fantasy of the other side of the fense. You hit the nail on the head about the "no responsibility" and that is why so many 2nd marriages do not work. Especially when they were built on an affair. Reality hits them and then all the "fun" leaves the R and they discover they are in the exact same M they left.......only it is worse this time around b/c they don't actually "love" the one they are M to then like the one the left.

Oh, I hope she will begin to see the hollowness in that R. If she can see through the fog just a little bit, she'll know she's pushing aside a wonderful man and life. Your part in this is hard. Your part would be to "wait" and give the A with OM time to fizzle out.

I grew up under the influence that an A was the all time "deal breaker" in any M. I have learned, however, that it does not HAVE to be. It all depends upon the love that has not been totally killed out. Love may take a severe beating and almost smothered out, but if there is a little spark.....(like the two of you have).....it can start to build to a healty flame and with work.....a bon-fire can begin. (Do you think I would make a good writer? ......just kidding) I get to sounding rather dramatic at times....lol.

Just be careful about pursuing. It is not a matter of her being worth pursuing......it is how she will re-act to it. I know with me, the more my H pursued me, the worse I got. I use to want him to do that in our earlier years, but after I was in my crises......it worked in an opposite way. So, continue to use your sex appeal, be flirty, friendly, fun, and all those things, but remember that a WAW is like a bird ready to take flight at the least bit of pressure.

Better go and make myself productive around here. Hope you have a great weekend. Maybe I will get to talk to you before long.

Sandi