This is going to be hard. You know this, I know this. I've said many times, that staying in the marriage is FAR harder than getting out of it. But, it is not the right thing to do, in my opinion.
I'll focus on him first. He is struggling. The OW is making this hard on him. He can't make a clean break which is making it all the more hard. He cares about her still, she got in his heart.....it takes awhile to get her out....affairs are all about those feelings.... He is NOT destined to be with her, she is NOT his soul mate, and he does NOT love her more than you. I'm sure you are questioning this right now, so listen to me when I tell you that. The OW is telling him exactly what he does not need to hear and everything that he feels...that's what the OP do. She is desperate.
I felt how your H is feeling about the "why he left" and "trying and trying, and nothing changing", and "toxic relationship". This is all what the OW is reinforcing as well. He is questioning things. You need to be the one to show him the other side. I had this forum. He does not. Is Retrouvaille on the schedule? DId he read any books? You can't force any of these things on him. Only you know if you can bring it up. What you CAN do, for sure, is just keep being the solid one, the stable one, the one who knows what marriage is all about.
Try not to react to his spew. Just let him work through it. You can try to understand how he is feeling (as hard as that will be). I remember telling my H at one point, "I'm staying in this marriage with pure faith. It's the only thing keeping me here." He said he knew and that's all he said. This is something he has to work through. Time is the only thing that will make it better. Time and being away from OW. Having happy times with you and the kids, and just getting through the constant reminders of the OW.
