Corey, I agree with everyone else. OW is toxic. Please stay away from her!
I can't believe you are feeling sympathy for her: she knew your H was married! A good person doesn't fall in love with or get involved with a married man. I wouldn't trust her one second.
Hello all, back from my trip down the rabbit hole... You are all right of course and any empathy/sympathy I felt was entirely short lived I assure you.
First and foremost she knew what she was getting into and went ahead and did it anyway. Actions/Consequences 101...I let myself get sucked in and that was not a good thing. I am better now and see it for what it truly is...a desperate attempt by her to create more harm and damage and ultimately get what she wants. If she cant get what she wants from him, then she will mindf*ck me so I will just walk away. Its all about winning for her and that is a game I simply do not choose to participate in.
So no worries all, I have nothing further to say to her, but you would have been proud of me a couple of times because there were some hard truths from me to her as well. I got my point across & was able to give her an idea of the damage that this has done to my kids & family. It probably doesn't matter to her, but I know it didn't feel good.
I appreciate all of your support and help. Thanks for caring about me enough to ask "What the Hell Are You Thinking?" Muchos Gracias...
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
Im so confused right now. Its like being back at the beginning. Things are very volatile right now because despite H telling me that he and OW are over and he wants to come home. She has been calling him and is all upset and this in turn has made things rough between us.
Today he and I had a disagreement and it got ugly and he pretty much told me that I treat him horribly and thats why he left and nothing has changed. We treat each other badly and make no effort to change. He also said that he feels like we have tried and nothing has changed. When I told him that I didn't agree with that because there were 3 of us in the R. His contention is that it doesn't matter if we each had OP, that we just have a toxic R and it will never change. I can't seem to get him to understand that as long as there isn't 100% effort given, then how could we have tried? How can you try when you have 1 foot out the door and the OP is telling you how bad it was and how much better it is w/them. I know that OW tells him how bad it is between us and reminds him how miserable he was here. I'm sure of it. Its pretty much what she told me.
I'm really torn here...
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I dont know what to say to you much here, except, if he thinks that way, then its his choice. it doesnt make it YOUR truth... but its his thinking ... let him keep it if it means so much.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
You need to be the calm in this storm. Just validate what he says, "I understand what you are saying and am sorry you feel this way. I don't see it that way." Then leave it. Troll is doing this because she is desperate. You my dear are not. You are secure in who you are and know that you will be fine either way.
When all of this crud was going on in my life, guess who the crying person was and who stayed calm. Where is my former husband now? Yep with the calm and quite skank. Don't let yourself be dragged in. You my dear are a wonderful person and he knows that. He is trying to make you a "fright" so that he can say some script these WAW's are handed. Don't let him do that. Take away his ammo.
Hang in there Corey, NO ONE ever said this was easy. Read your own tag line.
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You need to be the calm in this storm. Just validate what he says, "I understand what you are saying and am sorry you feel this way. I don't see it that way." Then leave it. Troll is doing this because she is desperate. You my dear are not. You are secure in who you are and know that you will be fine either way.
When all of this crud was going on in my life, guess who the crying person was and who stayed calm. Where is my former husband now? Yep with the calm and quite skank. Don't let yourself be dragged in. You my dear are a wonderful person and he knows that. He is trying to make you a "fright" so that he can say some script these WAW's are handed. Don't let him do that. Take away his ammo.
Hang in there Corey, NO ONE ever said this was easy. Read your own tag line.
Hey, someone told me that piecing was much harder than being apart. I believe that because there is a lot to overcome. You have some great advice here. Don't let him bait you into defending yourself. That's DB101. Validate, listen, stay calm & don't give him any reason to make this YOUR fault. I agree that a true reconcilliation can not take place until OW is gone. But, sometimes it takes a while to get the OP out of their system. Praying for you and thinking of you. And, remember...you are not at the beginning again. You have learned so much and have the tools. Now, use them.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
This is going to be hard. You know this, I know this. I've said many times, that staying in the marriage is FAR harder than getting out of it. But, it is not the right thing to do, in my opinion.
I'll focus on him first. He is struggling. The OW is making this hard on him. He can't make a clean break which is making it all the more hard. He cares about her still, she got in his heart.....it takes awhile to get her out....affairs are all about those feelings.... He is NOT destined to be with her, she is NOT his soul mate, and he does NOT love her more than you. I'm sure you are questioning this right now, so listen to me when I tell you that. The OW is telling him exactly what he does not need to hear and everything that he feels...that's what the OP do. She is desperate.
I felt how your H is feeling about the "why he left" and "trying and trying, and nothing changing", and "toxic relationship". This is all what the OW is reinforcing as well. He is questioning things. You need to be the one to show him the other side. I had this forum. He does not. Is Retrouvaille on the schedule? DId he read any books? You can't force any of these things on him. Only you know if you can bring it up. What you CAN do, for sure, is just keep being the solid one, the stable one, the one who knows what marriage is all about.
Try not to react to his spew. Just let him work through it. You can try to understand how he is feeling (as hard as that will be). I remember telling my H at one point, "I'm staying in this marriage with pure faith. It's the only thing keeping me here." He said he knew and that's all he said. This is something he has to work through. Time is the only thing that will make it better. Time and being away from OW. Having happy times with you and the kids, and just getting through the constant reminders of the OW.
