Update: I have had our property re-valued as the original valuation was done in March and to my shock I have been told by two estate agents the property has risen by approximately £60,000.
This will cause some issues as I had agreed on a financial settlement PRIOR to this new valuation. I do not want to be out of pocket financially because I need to re-start my life and make a comfortable for me and the children. My wife is the one who will profit out of being in the house and me forfitting some money to allow my wife and children to stay in the marital home.
I still pay all the mortgage, rates, utility bills, shopping and things for the children while my wife seems to be spending money on clothes, shoes and items for the house. As I am still out of work I will be broke soon and this is very worrying.
I wanted to talk to my wife about this when she rang earlier as I had cut our joint credit cards up and I had left them on the table. She told me she had thrown the cards in the bin without one bit of emotion. At that point she told me she was going to pay for the utility bills from when I left to the time she leaves to go to her parents for the summer. I said we needed to discuss other financial arrangements but again she wanted to do this over the phone with the children present.
I ended up putting the phone down as she started to get agitated when I said I refuse to discuss this with the children present. I could not believe it when she said "that's ok, they in the back playing".
I do not think she is going to like me asking her for half the mortgage and rates, shopping etc while I continue to pay the utility bills.
Is this fair on my part and is there any way of doing this without it making our R even worse?
I have just texted my wife very nicely (I used her name and thanked her at the end) to ask her to ring the credit card company to have my name removed from the credit card, here was her response: -
'I may I may not'
Am I getting to her a tiny bit?
Last edited by markhaving probs; 06/04/0904:57 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
What you have here is a power struggle, it seems. Whether you like to or not, she has engaged you on this level.
She is not rethinking about your R at all.
So what you need to do is to protect yourself financially. Call the credit card company yourself and take your name off. Or, do what I did, I asked my H to return the credit cards to me right away, as the card was in MY NAME. He whinged and complained but he went ahead and got new cards in his name only. No harm done. He just didn't want to do the work.
But my point is, if you are worried financially, it's better to divide things up. It's not pretty but try to be civil. I know as I am going thru it now. Hate doing this but got to keep interest of kids in mind. Don't want to screw with H but he will be earning a lot more money than me and I know he can afford what I am asking.
Just my two cents.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Unfortunately, our R is going to become even more strained due to some uncomfortable constraints I have to put on my wife.
Up to know I have enabled her current lifestyle by paying for everything, while she has consistently purchased items for her and the home, the main reason being I was trying to appease my W and not upset her with demands for financial assistance during this difficult period. Her life has not really missed a heartbeat while mine has completely gone topsy turvy.
Without being bitter, mean or nasty I must now initiate steps that will send my W ballistic but are neccessary - she must now start to take financial responsibility for her actions. I am going to propose to her she will now have to pay half of the mortgage and half of the rates. As I am moving back to the marital home as she moves out I will pay the local utility bills. I will also provide for the children but as we are now seperate people she will have to fund her percentage of the above.
It makes no difference to me whether this improves or worsens our R. As you have said PM she is not one bit interested in our R, therefore for my own self esteem and respect I have to say enough is enough.
She will scream, she will cry, she will tell anybody that listens that I am being a selfish bas**** as I always have been, but I have tried to face this living hell with as much morality and dignity as possible, even to the point where I have given her £100,000 that strictly speaking should go into the pot of money so that she and the children can stay in the family home.
It saddens me to think it is going to get nasty, but there was always a degree of inevitability about the way this was going to go. I will remain calm and I will try to be as fair as I can, but as you said I have to re-build my life and I have to protect myself financially.
It was always going to get worse before it gets better, so I just need to prepare for it.
I hope you, like me can get through this as best we can for ourselves and our children.
Best wishes,
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
In every situation that confronts you, strive TO DO THE RIGHT THING. Do the thing that God Himself would have you do if He were standing right in front of you.
Do this as opposed to avoiding doing "what will make her MAD? How will her being made make ME feel?" -- that you used to operate from.
Notice I said "used to." You're stronger than you realize now; you've come a long way.
My W rang me earlier today crying her eyes out. She told me her lawyer has advised her NOT to leave the marital home. We all know this advice is standard stuff, but my W is concerned that I will not leave the marital home at the end of November as I had stated to her when I return in June when she leaves to go to her parents home.
She has no trust in me anymore as she wants me to have a legal document drawn up to make the date legal. I told her as she wants me to leave she should have the document drawn up for me to sign.
We then entered into the R and her blaming me for everything, also not having a job, I don't respect you, I don't love you....
I told her she would have to start contributing to the mortgage and council tax as I am coming close to financial collapse. She said she could not afford it and would contact her L again to discuss.
It is now getting messy because it is not going her way. I must hold the line, hold the line and remain strong.
Any views or advice would be great.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Mark, my advice would be to hold the line, hold the line and remain strong.
Add to your "don't get into R talks with her" this:
DON'T GET INTO "L" TALKS WITH HER.
Simply say "since this is a legal matter now, it's probably best left to the attorneys to handle that," or "Draw something up, and I'll have my attorney take a look at it." Stay civil and calm.
Basically, your position now is "There's nothing to talk about relationship wise, since you chose to end our marriage and to invite a third person into it." And "since I'm not an attorney and this is now a legal matter, ________ is best handled by our attorneys. I'll discuss it with mine, and we'll get back to you."
I definately want to stay civil and calm, as that gives me the moral high ground. As much as I don't want to see her upset, I now believe she is starting to realise the new life she had planned in her head is not quite going to plan.
For some reason she was watching some DVD's of us last night and she said we never looked like a couple, even then (a few years ago). Why she would be watching DVD's of us is strange, but I am not kidding myself for one second, again, she is looking for justification for her actions.
She also told me our S7 is really suffering at the moment. I know this full well, is she starting to feel guilty? I know we are not going to get back together for the forseeable future, but it is interesting that as soon as I start to assert some authority and strong opinion without being mean or nasty, the tears come. They are crocodile tears I am sure, and I will not get drawn into feeling sorry for her and giving in.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
"I have had our property re-valued as the original valuation was done in March and to my shock I have been told by two estate agents the property has risen by approximately £60,000.
This will cause some issues as I had agreed on a financial settlement PRIOR to this new valuation. I do not want to be out of pocket financially because I need to re-start my life and make a comfortable for me and the children"
What are your long term plans in term of the house?
To sell it and split the difference? Or for one of you to stay put? If the latter, if you stay put - you buy her out and vice versa...
Mark you're getting some great great input here but don't overlook the fact that the laws and processes in the UK are very different to the US...
Make sure that your actions and decisions are firmly grounded in UK terms...
For maintenance for children the CSA website has an easy calculator to use and this site http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ also has lots of useful stuff on it...
Like I say, IMO be cautious about some of the advice cos although it might work well in the US, and by saying this my intention is not to, in any way discredit the advice given, merely to caution you as this sitch is being played out in the UK, and according to UK rules and practice - and there are differences between how the US and the UK see / deal with things...
