My plan is to DB...for myself this time. I didn't do that this past year.
So many new people come to this site and make the same, honest mistake. They focus almost solely on the relationship, many times to the exclusion of themselves.
When you consider DB or DR in it's entireity, I think what you notice is that so much of the advice has to do with US rather than with our spouse. To be sure there is much said regarding interacting with our spouse. But most of the WORK in the two books has to do with US reflecting on US and improving US in order to save US.
You know Tim that the one thing you were consistently called on from the beginning of your time here was YOUR need to take care of yourself.
You did the work. You looked inside, didn't like what you found, and you worked hard at becoming a better man. You became the husband that your wife thought she was getting so many years ago.
The one thing you didn't do enough of was find time for yourself. Other than the one camping trip, I can't think of much that you did to feed yourself. And look, I understand that to a large degree you were being fed by having a peaceful and loving relationship with your wife. I get that.
Keep in mind that our spouse has undergone significant trauma too. You can't get to a point where you tell your long time spouse that things are over without having experienced some life altering trauma. Usually when we come here, we are so overcome with OUR trauma at finding out they want out, we fail to realize that there has been a paradigm shift in our spouse in order for them to have gotten to that point. (some spouses just go bat [censored] crazy by the way - the previous comments do not apply to those bat [censored] crazy spouses).
Your wife talked herself in to it being alright for her to strike up a friendship with these guys. The two of you were eventually heading for a divorce anyway (as both of you agreed to - I still kick you for that one), so what's wrong with reaching out and catching up with some friends from the past. A quick question - has she reached out to old FEMALE friends from the past also? Or has it been only guys? I think the answer to that question carries some significance.
I agree with your decision to do a pullback of sorts. I also seriously agree with your last line...
Quote:
She does not get to be my friend right now.
...although I will say that you owe it to her to make it clear WHY she does not get to be your friend right now. Don't be petty about it. Show your integrity and get it out there on the table.
I also agree that you should be prepared for her response. The two of you have been extremely close, even if it was mostly you initiating the closeness. You have been a different man these past fourteen months. Expect a less than positive response to what she will possibly classify as "the old Tim" showing up again.
This is a tricky balancing act that you are embarking on.
It's not about anger.
It's not about returning to the old "nothing is ever good enough" Tim.
It's not about vindictiveness.
It is exactly this - you two had an agreement. It now appears as though she is or intends to violate that agreement. That is not acceptable to you. And as a man of integrity, you are not ok with being buddy/buddy with a woman who has chosen to invest her emotional energies with another man.
Whatever issues exist between two estranged spouses, one thing is always certain. The presence of another person for either spouse all but assures that NO POSITIVE CHANGE will come to the relationship between the husband and wife.
Stay strong my friend.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
