I would just encourage you to prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility that this guy wasn't the first, and that her infidelity goes back further.
Trust me...that's where I am at right now. This was a completely unexpected twist, after what we have been through this past year.
I may have had that 1% doubt eating at me through all of this, but the shear amount of time we spend together and the things we have done over this past year has always eased my mind.
NDS is wide awake now. I will not be made a fool of.
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I'd also suggest that although you're thinking you're "not even going to get into it with her" right now, she IS going to ask you "what's up?" and "why are you acting this way??" You've been a best friend to her for so long now, she's going to notice the emotional pullback, and she WILL ask you about it.
And she probably has a right to know why.
Puppy
She was my best friend, too. Best friends don't do things like this to each other.
She knows I know about the texts and that was discussed. The other things will wait, or maybe it will never come up and we are on our way to separate paths finally. That's what I need to decide.
Either way, I have no intention of being the old me that got me where I was last year. Unconditional love and unemotional interactions are are my goals right now. I don't hate her, and I am trying to get past the anger and hurt.
For all I know she has no intentions of picking up where we left off before the twist...maybe she won't have it in her.
Either way, I know that if that is what she wants, or thinks she can have, she doesn't deserve it right now.
This might be the catalyst to get you both moving towards a better, deeper and more fufilling M. Look at what you know and how you have grown to be in this spot. View this as a opportunity to lead and grow. You can handle this. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
NDS, Nothing to add other than I am reading along and will keep you on the prayer list. You actually sound like you are a little more clear headed right now. Cheers
Thanks Coach Right now, yes...sane NDS is in the house...trying to keep the other guy out of the picture....going to be very interesting to see who pops out when she finally does get back home.
This might be the catalyst to get you both moving towards a better, deeper and more fufilling M. Look at what you know and how you have grown to be in this spot. View this as a opportunity to lead and grow. You can handle this. Cheers
Coach Remember, through all of this past 14 months, through good and bad and all of our closeness and good times, when the subject came up she was adamant about an eventual separation / divorce.
Even if I thought that there was a way to get to a point of working on things together, I still have not decided that is what I want any more.
My plan is to DB...for myself this time. I didn't do that this past year.
So many new people come to this site and make the same, honest mistake. They focus almost solely on the relationship, many times to the exclusion of themselves.
When you consider DB or DR in it's entireity, I think what you notice is that so much of the advice has to do with US rather than with our spouse. To be sure there is much said regarding interacting with our spouse. But most of the WORK in the two books has to do with US reflecting on US and improving US in order to save US.
You know Tim that the one thing you were consistently called on from the beginning of your time here was YOUR need to take care of yourself.
You did the work. You looked inside, didn't like what you found, and you worked hard at becoming a better man. You became the husband that your wife thought she was getting so many years ago.
The one thing you didn't do enough of was find time for yourself. Other than the one camping trip, I can't think of much that you did to feed yourself. And look, I understand that to a large degree you were being fed by having a peaceful and loving relationship with your wife. I get that.
Keep in mind that our spouse has undergone significant trauma too. You can't get to a point where you tell your long time spouse that things are over without having experienced some life altering trauma. Usually when we come here, we are so overcome with OUR trauma at finding out they want out, we fail to realize that there has been a paradigm shift in our spouse in order for them to have gotten to that point. (some spouses just go bat [censored] crazy by the way - the previous comments do not apply to those bat [censored] crazy spouses).
Your wife talked herself in to it being alright for her to strike up a friendship with these guys. The two of you were eventually heading for a divorce anyway (as both of you agreed to - I still kick you for that one), so what's wrong with reaching out and catching up with some friends from the past. A quick question - has she reached out to old FEMALE friends from the past also? Or has it been only guys? I think the answer to that question carries some significance.
I agree with your decision to do a pullback of sorts. I also seriously agree with your last line...
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She does not get to be my friend right now.
...although I will say that you owe it to her to make it clear WHY she does not get to be your friend right now. Don't be petty about it. Show your integrity and get it out there on the table.
I also agree that you should be prepared for her response. The two of you have been extremely close, even if it was mostly you initiating the closeness. You have been a different man these past fourteen months. Expect a less than positive response to what she will possibly classify as "the old Tim" showing up again.
This is a tricky balancing act that you are embarking on.
It's not about anger.
It's not about returning to the old "nothing is ever good enough" Tim.
It's not about vindictiveness.
It is exactly this - you two had an agreement. It now appears as though she is or intends to violate that agreement. That is not acceptable to you. And as a man of integrity, you are not ok with being buddy/buddy with a woman who has chosen to invest her emotional energies with another man.
Whatever issues exist between two estranged spouses, one thing is always certain. The presence of another person for either spouse all but assures that NO POSITIVE CHANGE will come to the relationship between the husband and wife.
Stay strong my friend.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
It's not about returning to the old "nothing is ever good enough" Tim.
It's not about vindictiveness.
It is exactly this - you two had an agreement. It now appears as though she is or intends to violate that agreement. That is not acceptable to you. And as a man of integrity, you are not ok with being buddy/buddy with a woman who has chosen to invest her emotional energies with another man.
Whatever issues exist between two estranged spouses, one thing is always certain. The presence of another person for either spouse all but assures that NO POSITIVE CHANGE will come to the relationship between the husband and wife.
My counsel to you has consistently been to speak honestly to her, to tell her just how you feel about her and your life together. I believe there is often too much beating around the bush and tap dancing that we engage in with our spouse for fear of hearing what we don't want to hear. I'm inclined to believe that we are only putting off the inevitable.
Bill...this was from your previous post and I wanted to come back to it, because I was not quite sure what you meant.
You know how close she and I have been over the past year, and you know the R talks have been rare.
You also know right from the beginning, even as we stayed together and remained close, I "agreed" to what she wanted(a separation and eventual divorce) as I DBed.
Even with that, when we did have the rare R talk and she reminded me of her unhappiness and told me nothing had changed (the don't get your hopes up talks), I did tell her I loved her and that although I would give her what she wanted when the time came, it was not what I wanted.
I can't help but second guess a lot of what I did over the past year, but is that what you meant?...I should have been more forceful and adamant about telling her I did not want the marriage to end....not assuming she knew just because of my words and actions?
That's it exactly Tim. I was not completely sure how clearly you had shared your true feelings with her, nor for how long you had been doing so.
I think it's safe to say that you have reached a point where there is nothing to be feared from speaking your heart.
Even more significantly, I think that there comes a point in just about every relationship, regardless of the nature of the crisis, where speaking the truth in love is the best course of action (directing this comment more to the general audience). The problem of course is knowing when you've reached that point. It's far too easy to fall in to the over the top professions of love and dedication, and promises to change.
We all know how effective that stuff is when the hurts are still fresh.
How are you doing?
Thinking alot about you and the things that have transpired. I try to tell myself that your wife is a little lost, confused, and maybe even naive, but in the end it always comes back to conscious decisions that are made.
Just know this. If she is creeping towards moving on, she is a fool. You've become a fine man, a kind and loving husband and father, and I'm sure a great friend.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
That's it exactly Tim. I was not completely sure how clearly you had shared your true feelings with her, nor for how long you had been doing so.
I would say often and sincerely enough over the past year that there should be no doubt in her mind how I feel.
With that has been the agreement to not fight her, if and when the time came to separate. I know you never agreed with that, but I guess that was my way of not pursuing, not pushing for anything more from her..to let her fall back in love and realize the changes were for real.
It's too late to second guess all that has happened. It's just decision time.
Do I try to figure out what I did wrong and start over, by the book, or is this a deal breaker?
Right now I don't even have all the information, and may never get it, so I am trying not to dwell while they are still away.
It's been a couple days now since she has text, so who knows where her head is now. I am having a hard time making myself initiate contact.
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How are you doing?
Thinking alot about you and the things that have transpired. I try to tell myself that your wife is a little lost, confused, and maybe even naive, but in the end it always comes back to conscious decisions that are made.
I'm OK...you know how it is..it comes and goes. Work has kept me busy this week. I have the dog at home so not much chance to get out and away.
Maybe she is lost, naive and confused..who knows? She told me when we talked about the text that she knew I could see the log...that she was not stupid and did not want to tell me because I would get the wrong idea. Someone asked if she had reconnected with male and female friends and yes, she has. This guy was not a reconnect, but a chance, accidental meeting online, and I actually remember her telling me about a couple of months ago.
Still trying to figure out how to handle the coming week, our first days together and the info that she is unaware that I have, besides the text logs and phone numbers.
As it gets closer, i get more nervous...more frustrated...more hurt comes out and less anger. Somehow for this one, I feel I need just a little anger...just enough to keep me on my toes...to not lay back and just leave this alone.
Somehow for this one, I feel I need just a little anger...just enough to keep me on my toes...to not lay back and just leave this alone.
...let me just say that THIS...
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...last month's cell phone bill with 1000's of text messages
...One number stood out and there was regular contact...early morning...late nights...pretty much constant and times
...I found an email..."I love you" was all it said...from the new text buddy.
...I found, from another alt u friend, a couple of erotic stories written to her...stories that used her name and his as the main characters.
...She didn't miss me, but she had been in constant contact with her BF since she left...there were wake up calls early in the morning, and late night goodbyes...1, 2, 3AM.
is neither innocent nor appropriate.
The old saying goes, "Where there is smoke, there is fire." My personal experience of this marriage crisis hell, and the many, many stories you read on this site suggests that there is profound truth in that saying.
Every courtship begins with profusive contact. And don't even get me started on the whole notion of sending erotic stories where you and your new "friend" are the main characters.
I'm not trying to bring you down. Honestly.
This simply stinks to high heaven. That's all I'm saying.
But as always...AS ALWAYS...YOU are the one there in the trenches. Only YOU know this woman well enough to begin to make assessments of what is truth and what is a lie.
Take my words as a caution. And my offering to you that yes, indeed, some anger is justifiable and maybe even useful to keep you on track.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
