Over the Shock and GALing 4

[Thinker]

Thinker,

What do YOU want? Do you want to be married? What kind of a wife do you want? What kind of a home life and family life do you want?

What is making you stay? At what cost?

Where are you, Thinker?

You, as a whole man with so much substance, have choices.

Lucky

Hi Lucky,

Such Questions deserve answers:

I am pretty clear in my mind that I do want to be married. At heart I am a monogamist looking for connection. I also want to be married to the mother of my children and have a stable home and family life. It's what I grew up with, and it's what I want for me as a father and for my kids.

I also really love my W, and in many ways she is what I would be looking for: fun, active, sociable, loving, dedicated to her kids, creative and intelligent, sexual.

She has some large inner demons that cause her problems, but so do most people. I can't do anything there but hope she works through them.

She also is unable (for the past 2+years, since well before the bomb) to open up the fun, sociable, loving, sexual sides to me. I see them, I know they are there, but they are inaccessible to me. She blames me - say's that I killed those sides of her. I have used the term "emotionally divorced" before and it applies.

So what is making me stay is the belief that some day she will work through her demons (and I'll kill mine) and we can take the wall down from between us and we'll have the R that I know we could have.

At what cost? Well, at the cost of time. My biggest fear is the thought of years in limbo followed only by disappointment and pain. I am not there yet, however. I've only been really actively working on my own demons and intelligently working on the R for a few months. I'll give it a lot more time before I make any decisions on my own.

[Thinker]

Looks like this thread is about to lock, so I opened a new one

Over the Shock and GALing 5

[Thinker]

OK, Thinker.

You LOVE her and you want her to be your wife. Knowing that is all you need to know how to give her support and love.

Perhaps the only way you are not going to feel resentful is to make a little headway in your intimacy. I'm not focusing on sex here, I'm talking about your connection.

At some point, you may have to push gently against her wall. And then back off if her resistance is too hard. You'll have to read when to take risks and push and back off.

Lucky

Thanks Lucky,

I agree. I have been bouncing off of that wall for so long I have started to feel like a supplicant.

For a couple of months now I have been alternating unsuccessfully between pushing against the wall (read PRESSURE) and backing off (read DETACHING).

Each time the pressure is less and the detaching is more.

Right now I am detaching. I am finally really admitting to myself that the emotional part of the R is dead. It may come back, but right now it is dead and gone. Keep my expectations low, be friends, support her, and see what happens.

Meanwhile...on with my life.

...anyone up for a bike ride? I'm scheduled to ride a century with a local bike club (approx 30 other cyclers) this Sunday...

[SmileysPerson]

As a SAHM, I *felt* this statement like a slap on the face:

"Sorry, but you're responsible for the kids during the day so suck it up and write at night"

I'm a mostly-SAH-Dad, and I suck it up and I write at night.

[Thinker]

As a SAHM, I *felt* this statement like a slap on the face:

"Sorry, but you're responsible for the kids during the day so suck it up and write at night"

I'm a mostly-SAH-Dad, and I suck it up and I write at night.

SP,

I think the biggest issue was the phrase "suck it up" - perfectly normal and acceptable for a conversation between one (former military) DAM to another (former military) DAM, but probably not when interpreted as a potential phrase for use with ones W.

[orangedog]

A few things hit me right off.

1. She's afraid of divorce because "things would get ugly". Assure her they won't (if you haven't already). Yeah, there's likely to be some squabbles but nothing big. Nobody should ever stay in a M because of fear or compulsion. Ever! You're a better human being than that. You only want what's best for you and your wife.

2. "I only wish I had more time to write. More time for my art. More time to train..." Please! Just get on with it. Except for a few independently wealthy trust fund kids we're all busy. People asked where I got the time to train for an Ironman in '06: lunchtimes; after kids went to bed; weekends; just found the hours and did it. I didn't have to turn my life completely upside down - just planned better. I worked with a coach and made every hour count. Nobody at work even knew I was training until three weeks before the event when my W outed me. My billable hours were up during that time and I felt better than ever.

Tell her you will help out and make some sacrifices (within reason) but she's going to have to get a plan and make it happen, and still pull some weight around the house. You're doing this for her and for "us".

She will feel better when she's working towards a goal. My guess is that she's not in love with you because she's not in love with herself. She's down. Needs a goal. Needs direction. As Dr. Phil says (ugghh! I know.. but I'll use his quote just this one time), "A racehorse has got to run." That new life might just work it's way back into the relationship.

3. What time are you leaving on the Century? I'd like to join (but I'm probably hundreds or thousands of miles away).

[Kettricken]

If you feel strongly called to write and you are writing from a healthy place, you will chisel out time somewhere. Like Smiley said, every writer has a thousand and one reasons to postpone committing words to paper. Many if not most of those reasons are only tangentially about time.

I get that you feel like this would be in some wise payback for her former support of your projects. That's good of you. But it would be, IMHO, a huge mistake to sacrifice your GAL activities to her ambitions *at this point*. Watch her and see what happens. Is she willing to sacrifice some of her outside activities for her writing? Is she willing to sacrifice sleep? If so, then step up. You're now a collaborator (in the positive sense of that word) and a supportive partner.

If not, you're just a martyr. Whether you want to or not, you will probably find yourself monitoring how she uses her time; bad. If she is not using it "wisely", you will undoubtedly feel resentment and may be moved to comment. Double bad. Save yourself the drama. JMHO, as a writer with a million and one excuses.

[Thinker]

...you will probably find yourself monitoring how she uses her time; bad. If she is not using it "wisely", you will undoubtedly feel resentment and may be moved to comment. Double bad. Save yourself the drama.

Yep! Been there! Don't need to go back!

Thanks for the reminder!

[Thinker]

Just following up on the advice here:

Just to let you all know, so far I have made no active steps to help my W with her book, just given her room.

In response, she has started staying up late and working on it.

(at least that is what she says she is doing - staying up late working on her computer in her office, but since it is her time I don't really care whether she is or whether she is just wasting time on facebook - it's her time and her project.)

[Thinker]

Wondering if this old thread is ever going to lock ... I thought it would a couple of posts ago.