Nicole, rather than torturing yourself by reading back through my threads, let me share with you that H and I did the sex, playing house and family thing at his whim for about 4 months. I do not feel bad about it and of course, I hoped that he would say "Hmm...home is much better than chasing rock star and getting the leftover groupies." Alas, it didn't happen. There were pathetic little glimmers...him laying on me and saying "I could just fall asleep right here." But the impasse, whatever it is/was is just insurmountable. I don't know what it is or if there is another woman.
This is SO personal. The sex never made me feel bad and now, I think I'm just done with it. I wouldn't have a romantic relationship this one-sided with anyone so I probably shouldn't with H.
You are fine. Of course, most will say don't "give" him sex, but who knows what is going through H's mind...
There was one thing that 25 said that got to me though. Not that it is my responsibility but, how does H feel about me allowing him to treat me like that (here at his disposal)? It is pretty icky if you think about it.
So last night H had the girls overnight. I had a hard time because I knew they were going to a party for a freinds b-day and to watch the Laker game. I know there were alot of people there and the girls came hom this morning and had "SO MUCH FUN!!" They had toys and fake tattoos and talked about our friends girlfriend bringing them a hairbrush to Daddy's house. Hmmmph. I am spinning, not knowing how to handle this. Why would she bring them a hairbrush. I am suspiscious, and upset. I don't think I can handle this back and forth [censored]. It is so upsetting. What the heck. I hate this....I keep thinking that it is so unfair that he has taken me out of certain parts of their life, that I am so bad to be around that he is happier doing things with them without me. I am NOT bad to be around. He should be so lucky to have me as his wife, yet he wants me out of the picture. Ugh. It hurts so bad. Sooo bad.
You know I relate. The feelings are what they are. But, this is also time away from your kids, time where you can focus on you and start to cultivate your own interests, friendships, exercise etc.
In some ways, I suspect that your (my) position as MOM sort of overrode theirs as dads. Now, as scary as it is, they are on their own and navigating their own relationships with their kids. Is there any chance that this wasn't happening in the M? This does not mean it is your fault, it means that the Hs didn't know how to be dads and have a voice within the paradigm of family. Just musing.
The hairbrush? Doesn't sound like too big of a deal from my vantage point. But, in my sitch, I can spin on anything involving kiddos. You'll have to get a handle on it and it will take time.
This seems so much more about H and NOT about you. You are not bad to be around, he can't differentiate and define himself with you...he only knows how to be the version of him that was married to you when you're around. Now, he wants to be someone else in a way...or is at least exploring. It is an identity crisis of sorts. That's just IMO.
Thanks AK...that really helped me actually tonight. You are right on...H tried to have a voice in the M...but it was overpowering and he thought it was "discipline". My H often demands respect from the kids and goes overboard. Interesting in fact, the other day when he was over, he was talking to me and I was just listening...he was saying how when the girls were at his house he overreacted to something that D8 did...and he was feeling really guilty. He said "it was no big deal and I got SO mad"...he seemed really torn up about it. Funny, this is what he always does (worse in the last few months) and I always tell him to calm down, etc. He will say something like..."well, they need to respect me" blah blah blah. So all of a sudden, he is realizing stuff I guess.
The last two days I have had a really good PMA. Today, with the girls having spent the night over there and the hairbrush thing I was spun for the whole day. Still emotional, tears. I don't know how much of this roller coaster I can take. Feel like giving up. I mean with the DBing...it is too much to take. Getting hopes up, but having no expectations...thinking, crying, analyzing, hoping, praying, hoping, wishing, being patient, being friendly, and "acting as if" when I want to SCREAM..."DON'T YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH YOU ARE HURTING ME!!!!!!!!??????????????????" (alot of tears now)
I know this is all about H. I just can't help but thinking that if he loved me enough (which he hasn't told me in 2 months) he couldn't do this. So in a sense, it IS me. I mean, he doesn't wanna be married...and it is ME who he is married to. Maybe I am having a pity party, but SHEEEEEEEEESH! I don't understand why this happens to some people and not others. Yes....WHY ME??? I am fairly certain this is one situation where as long as I continue to take care of myself, an occasional pity party for 1 is appropriate! I wish I was more compassionate to others going thru this before. I could have never imagined this much pain.
I've been thinking a lot about DB and how much time I spend on here. Truth is, it helps to have the distraction, get some objectivity (reading other sitches and replies to my own). But, there is no escape hatch.
I had a family dinner tonight. H was conspicuously missing. I didn't necessarily miss him (that is fading), I just noticed how not there he was. Kids laughing and his mom by my side and H off in another world.
I sort of felt like the person diagnosed with some fatal disease with the patronizing "How are you[s]" and the pats on the shoulder. But, not too long into it everyone could see that I am ok. Still have my sense of humor, still have a life and things to talk about. One very close family friend commented on how well I appear to be doing and I was really honest about the struggle, that I'm coming to except that all of my intellectualizing and enlightenment can't spare me having to walk through the fire. I can do it with grace and consciousness but I have to walk through. And, it hurts so bad. Really. IT being the whole damn thing from the memories to my children's sadness to the mess our finances are to the alienation I feel from H and many friends. Life changing so monumentally on a dime.
I read your post after dinner but chose to wait and not respond on my iphone (I've got to GAL) but I was thinking about it and sort of pining to get on here and reach out to you.
DBing to me at this stage (separated), is about survival. How do we survive, do the best we can under the circumstances? Some of the self-analysis I'm afraid is a bit for naught as truly I have been in my own "fog," can't remember what I decided was my fault a month ago. What I decided I just had to change about me. Truth is, I'm not so bad. I've got to work on myself. Basically, the same things I've been working on for years. And some of the things that are DB, I realize I was trying to do for a long time already, I just didn't have a consciousness of saving my M. Even then, I think I was trying to save myself (which H saw as me neglecting him). Who knows?
Back to the post that resonated with you and I saw you repeated on another thread, I can see now that H could come here, rest his head on me, have dinner with me, ML, share his thoughts and accomplishments with me because we were alone. But, in public, no. We're done. I was an abusive psycho-b*tch and he is now finally free to be his true self. What a sad trap.
Your H is lost girlfriend. You think he is pulling your strings, he can't even pull his own. He has to figure out how to have a relationship with his daughters, how to take care of himself, how to grow up and guess what? He most likely does not have the tools to do it and that is why he is where he is. And, yes, maybe he'll grow but, how long will it take? Not a month (remember I did that with my H 6 years ago)...most likely a long time. In the meantime this DBing is about YOUR survival. How do your kids not lose out on having a functioning and stable mom? How do you not miss out on enjoying precious days of your own life?
My MIL is pretty miserable. She never really got over her first marriage in which H's dad left her. You know, she gave me the best advice in the midst of one of her standard woe is her conversations. She mentioned that she had had lunch with H's dad and now that they are old, she just looked at him and she wondered how she could have wasted so much of her life on him. And then she went right back to complaining about something else. But, I heard her. I got that. How much does he get to take of you and your life, how much do you give (and I am speaking about negative energy not positive)? It IS worth it IMO to have good memories, to have "friendiness" (per SP), to enjoy your daughters together and maybe to reconcile one day. But, the gnawing obsessive attention on him, that is your time you are handing off.
STILL, despite all of that wonderful philosophizing and PMA and GAL and LRT and....it f'ing hurts sometimes. One morning, while the kids were away, I just wailed and I mean loud enough to scare the neighbors (think foghorn) and my dog came rushing in the bedroom and began to wail and we did this back and forth until I had to stop and laugh because it was so weird and ridiculous. But, the hurt has to move through.
It is Friday night!! No, you don't want to be sitting at home reading DB.com pondering your future. But, here we are.
The roller coaster is what it is. It is not your DBing that causes the roller coaster, it is the nature of the beast. My friend went through a swift divorce, that didn't save her from the roller coaster. She and H post-D have gone back and forth for 2 years. What are you going to do? Tell him you're through? Uh, he already did that. You are ambivalent, get used to it. And you may get pounced on here for not knowing what you want. So, you proclaim, "alright, I am standing for my marriage no matter what!" Next day H does some new unexpected weird thing and you're thinking, "this is insane, I'm done, he's an a**hole..." IMO, forget about a resolution for now. You go on the "one day at a time plan"...try it for a few days or a week and then reassess. How do I get through TODAY? What's my little list of things to accomplish and how can I make it a little more inspired and have a little more gratitude? Check out Kevin4Dallas' thread...he wants to be more "interesting" to his wife who wants nothing to do with him but he doesn't have anything he is genuinely "interested" in. I jumped on him about it. But, guess what? Nothing is more interesting to me than this M stuff. I hold onto it like some blanky I just can't leave home without...because I'm a good person and I have values and I KNOW how important this is. I can't just be glib and move on, that's H, not me! Well, it is enough. I'm done thinking about NOT thinking about H and M. I have got to focus on what I am interested in outside of this. It is scary and feels like a one way ticket to who knows where but, it is time.
So, if you're ready, let's do it. What are you interested in? Passionate about? What do you want to accomplish this week, relating nothing to H, M or D?
Write about it in your own journal or on here.
I love that people help each other through this on here. You are on the fast track, really. Get the hurt out and don't hold back. One thing I've done is write the most brazen letters to H (never to be sent of course). Let it all hang out...the worst of the worst, anger, fear, sadness, vitriol, just purge it once and for all. And then, back to you.
Your husband may have be involved in Pornography, else he would be soliciting a sexual relationship. Coming from a man..this could be a result of being disconnected physically with you, and being somewhat immature. I think that if his heart is good he is worth fighting for. That is for you to decide. I have to admitt I have indulged in P as well and for me I was not getting the normal connection with my wife that I thought..we had other problems that we are dealing with now, that were behind the disconnect. But you will find peace if you focus on the DB methods, and if your husband has any sense he will see your amazing beauty, and kind heart that brings ultimate happiness.
If not you will fly again, with love, romance, and trust...
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
AK...alot to think about here...I am going to respond tomorrow, and just for now know that i appreciate your response and input. ALOT! You are awesome!
Don't know if can help much, but I spent some time reading up on your situation. Wow, 16 pages in three weeks! You're putting my thread to shame!
Quote:
I know this is all about H. I just can't help but thinking that if he loved me enough (which he hasn't told me in 2 months) he couldn't do this. So in a sense, it IS me. I mean, he doesn't wanna be married...and it is ME who he is married to. Maybe I am having a pity party, but SHEEEEEEEEESH! I don't understand why this happens to some people and not others. Yes....WHY ME??? I am fairly certain this is one situation where as long as I continue to take care of myself, an occasional pity party for 1 is appropriate! I wish I was more compassionate to others going thru this before. I could have never imagined this much pain.
I agree. Sometimes I wonder why this is happening to me too. And the level of pain is more than I ever imagined. The fact that we endure this and continue to go on is a testimony to our strength.
From what I can tell, you're handling things well. You are trying to find the same balance as me. How much to give your spouse to stay connected, but yet keep your boundaries and force them to endure what they've brought upon themselves. Tough line to walk, especially when you so want to be with them.
Since you got married so young, I think your H thinks he missed out on some great single life. As others have said here, he will likely eventually find out it's not so great, not compared to having a loving W and family. This will take time. Do what is right for YOU in the mean time. Although the pain and lonliness can be brutal, do try to use your time alone to do things you didn't have a chance to do before, and have fun. In my thread, you said I'm doing a fabulous job working on myself, which I appreciate. I have the advantage that I lived alone for ten years before I got married, so I knew how to live a single life. You got married and had kids so young, this being alone thing is new to you. Try to embrace it. Not only will it help your mood, your H will notice, and may start to worry that you're liking it a little TOO much!
I've been thinking a lot about DB and how much time I spend on here. Truth is, it helps to have the distraction, get some objectivity (reading other sitches and replies to my own). But, there is no escape hatch.
I had a family dinner tonight. H was conspicuously missing. I didn't necessarily miss him (that is fading), I just noticed how not there he was. Kids laughing and his mom by my side and H off in another world.
What does his mom say/think about him?
I sort of felt like the person diagnosed with some fatal disease with the patronizing "How are you[s]" and the pats on the shoulder. But, not too long into it everyone could see that I am ok. Still have my sense of humor, still have a life and things to talk about. One very close family friend commented on how well I appear to be doing and I was really honest about the struggle, that I'm coming to except that all of my intellectualizing and enlightenment can't spare me having to walk through the fire. I can do it with grace and consciousness but I have to walk through. And, it hurts so bad. Really. IT being the whole damn thing from the memories to my children's sadness to the mess our finances are to the alienation I feel from H and many friends. Life changing so monumentally on a dime.
I read this the other night and waited to respond...and this was what stuck out to me...the walking thru fire analogy...it is so accurate and hit me deep for some reason. It feels just like that. I know I will be scarred when i reach the other side...hopefully not too bad. Scars I can have pride in
I read your post after dinner but chose to wait and not respond on my iphone (I've got to GAL) but I was thinking about it and sort of pining to get on here and reach out to you. You are so sweet. And yes, it IS like mini-Christmas!!! DBing to me at this stage (separated), is about survival. How do we survive, do the best we can under the circumstances? Some of the self-analysis I'm afraid is a bit for naught as truly I have been in my own "fog," can't remember what I decided was my fault a month ago. What I decided I just had to change about me. Truth is, I'm not so bad. I've got to work on myself. Basically, the same things I've been working on for years. And some of the things that are DB, I realize I was trying to do for a long time already, I just didn't have a consciousness of saving my M. Even then, I think I was trying to save myself (which H saw as me neglecting him). Who knows? I agree...I honestly do not know what i would be putting my energy into and which flailing direction I would be headed in if it weren't for the book DR and these boards. Seriously. It is survival for me right now.
Back to the post that resonated with you and I saw you repeated on another thread, I can see now that H could come here, rest his head on me, have dinner with me, ML, share his thoughts and accomplishments with me because we were alone. But, in public, no. We're done. I was an abusive psycho-b*tch and he is now finally free to be his true self. What a sad trap.
The one about him only wanting to be the new version of himself? yes...this is so true. You really do have a way of putting things into words. I can honestly say that we have not even had to be in a situation yet where we are around our friends/family at the same time. I don't know if that will ever happen again, but it sure would be interesting to see him as a fly on the wall. I have been told by family and friends that he seems sad and quiet. (which is NOT like him at all, the guy hardly shuts up, ever!!!!) But I am sure this is not the case when he is partying or out with a group. It makes me sick to think of him out with our friends who know us together and have him be the "single guy" now. So messed up. I can only imagine what they are thinking and I wonder if they are encouraging him??? Probably waste WAY too much time wondering that stuff.
Your H is lost girlfriend. You think he is pulling your strings, he can't even pull his own. He has to figure out how to have a relationship with his daughters, how to take care of himself, how to grow up and guess what? He most likely does not have the tools to do it and that is why he is where he is. And, yes, maybe he'll grow but, how long will it take? Not a month (remember I did that with my H 6 years ago)...most likely a long time. In the meantime this DBing is about YOUR survival. How do your kids not lose out on having a functioning and stable mom? How do you not miss out on enjoying precious days of your own life?
This is the one thing that actually makes me happy re: my sitch. I mean as happy as I can be. I know that I could have been doing a better job as a mom for awhile now. I could have been spending much more time with my kids...I mean QUALITY time with them...and I am now doing that in spades! We played go fish today, and I took them to a professional baseball game! It was fun! They were asking me all kinds of baseball questions and I was answering, they thought I REALLY knew what I was talking about ! LOL! Fooled 'em! At one point the outfielder missed a catch and I looked at D6 and she actually said "Gravity....it'll do that to ya!" WHAT!!?? It was hilarious!
My MIL is pretty miserable. She never really got over her first marriage in which H's dad left her. You know, she gave me the best advice in the midst of one of her standard woe is her conversations. She mentioned that she had had lunch with H's dad and now that they are old, she just looked at him and she wondered how she could have wasted so much of her life on him. And then she went right back to complaining about something else. But, I heard her. I got that. How much does he get to take of you and your life, how much do you give (and I am speaking about negative energy not positive)? It IS worth it IMO to have good memories, to have "friendiness" (per SP), to enjoy your daughters together and maybe to reconcile one day. But, the gnawing obsessive attention on him, that is your time you are handing off.
STILL, despite all of that wonderful philosophizing and PMA and GAL and LRT and....it f'ing hurts sometimes. One morning, while the kids were away, I just wailed and I mean loud enough to scare the neighbors (think foghorn) and my dog came rushing in the bedroom and began to wail and we did this back and forth until I had to stop and laugh because it was so weird and ridiculous. But, the hurt has to move through. Been there done that!!! It just comes. Lol about the dog! Too funny!
It is Friday night!! No, you don't want to be sitting at home reading DB.com pondering your future. But, here we are.
The roller coaster is what it is. It is not your DBing that causes the roller coaster, it is the nature of the beast. My friend went through a swift divorce, that didn't save her from the roller coaster. She and H post-D have gone back and forth for 2 years. What are you going to do? Tell him you're through? Uh, he already did that. You are ambivalent, get used to it. And you may get pounced on here for not knowing what you want. So, you proclaim, "alright, I am standing for my marriage no matter what!" Next day H does some new unexpected weird thing and you're thinking, "this is insane, I'm done, he's an a**hole..." IMO, forget about a resolution for now. You go on the "one day at a time plan"...try it for a few days or a week and then reassess. How do I get through TODAY? What's my little list of things to accomplish and how can I make it a little more inspired and have a little more gratitude? Check out Kevin4Dallas' thread...he wants to be more "interesting" to his wife who wants nothing to do with him but he doesn't have anything he is genuinely "interested" in. I jumped on him about it. But, guess what? Nothing is more interesting to me than this M stuff. I hold onto it like some blanky I just can't leave home without...because I'm a good person and I have values and I KNOW how important this is. I can't just be glib and move on, that's H, not me! Well, it is enough. I'm done thinking about NOT thinking about H and M. I have got to focus on what I am interested in outside of this. It is scary and feels like a one way ticket to who knows where but, it is time.
So, if you're ready, let's do it. What are you interested in? Passionate about? What do you want to accomplish this week, relating nothing to H, M or D?
Thinking about starting a thread on this topic...but it is seriously hard to say. I mess around with photography, and would love to take a class...(need more $$)...I love yoga but have a mental block against doing it right now because I can't be that quiet in my own head yet!! I love to run but have a bad hip!! I am a hairdresser and love what I do...maybe take more classes there...I don't know. I want to be MORE passionate about all of those things than I am right now. Maybe that will come with time.
Write about it in your own journal or on here.
I love that people help each other through this on here. You are on the fast track, really. Get the hurt out and don't hold back. One thing I've done is write the most brazen letters to H (never to be sent of course). Let it all hang out...the worst of the worst, anger, fear, sadness, vitriol, just purge it once and for all. And then, back to you. I did this too per your suggestion. It helped!!
What do you think?
Thank you for all of that insight. I feel connected and I am thankful for you taking the time to post that for me. It really makes me shift my thought process back to me! So thank you!!!!!!!
But, I heard her. I got that. How much does he get to take of you and your life, how much do you give (and I am speaking about negative energy not positive)? It IS worth it IMO to have good memories, to have "friendiness" (per SP), to enjoy your daughters together and maybe to reconcile one day. But, the gnawing obsessive attention on him, that is your time you are handing off.