Over the Shock and GALing 4

[Thinker]

Hi Thinker,

Did she tell you that she would leave if she thought she could? In other words, she is ONLY staying for the kids?

If she stays for the kids but doesn't work on the marriage with you, is that what you really want? If this is what you are perceiving, no wonder you are feeling "used."

Where is the joy and love? The things that brought you together and inspired the creation of children? Is there any right now?

Hi Lucky,

Just a few answers:

She has told me that she feels nothing and has no attraction to me, that she does not want to be emotionally intimate with me and does not want to get close to me ever again. She blocks any and all attempts to create joy, love, laughter.

She is afraid that she will spend the rest of her life feeling this way and want's to run from the M.

The only thing keeping her from running is her equal fear of the impact of D on her. She say's that she knows that I would "Get Ugly" in a D. The end result would be that she would have to move out of her house and away from her friends, go back to work full time when she is not yet ready to, and give up 50% of her time with her kids (joint custody). Plus I think she would be afraid of the reaction from her family, our joint friends, etc.

This reality is so different from her initial fantasy D (I disappear quietly, she lives in the house with me still paying the mortgage and child support, she has full time custody of the kids and full freedom to seek a new love life) so different that it stopped her run, and now she is stuck between the two fears - painful M or painful D.

So right now, there is not much joy and love - just "frindiness". We get along well, have fun with the kids together, cooperate - just not much depth.

And you are right - I am feeling used. (I am sure that she did for years, but can't change that)

Even though she has hurt you deeply, she put her life on hold for a long time to be a dedicated mom to your kids. Since she supported you and helped you get where you are, it is fair, in my opinion, that you give her this time to create something of her own identity. If she becomes successful, it only benefits you and the kids even if you end up divorced.

Agreed. She did put her life on hold. Not only did she put her life on hold for the kids, but there were years in our M where I was working so hard on a start up that I was basically absent - she had 100% of the child care, household chores, etc.

So now it is her turn. In our current sitch, however, I just can't put my life on hold for her to the extend that she did for me.