Did she tell you that she would leave if she thought she could? In other words, she is ONLY staying for the kids?
If she stays for the kids but doesn't work on the marriage with you, is that what you really want? If this is what you are perceiving, no wonder you are feeling "used."
Where is the joy and love? The things that brought you together and inspired the creation of children? Is there any right now?
Hi Lucky,
Just a few answers:
She has told me that she feels nothing and has no attraction to me, that she does not want to be emotionally intimate with me and does not want to get close to me ever again. She blocks any and all attempts to create joy, love, laughter.
She is afraid that she will spend the rest of her life feeling this way and want's to run from the M.
The only thing keeping her from running is her equal fear of the impact of D on her. She say's that she knows that I would "Get Ugly" in a D. The end result would be that she would have to move out of her house and away from her friends, go back to work full time when she is not yet ready to, and give up 50% of her time with her kids (joint custody). Plus I think she would be afraid of the reaction from her family, our joint friends, etc.
This reality is so different from her initial fantasy D (I disappear quietly, she lives in the house with me still paying the mortgage and child support, she has full time custody of the kids and full freedom to seek a new love life) so different that it stopped her run, and now she is stuck between the two fears - painful M or painful D.
So right now, there is not much joy and love - just "frindiness". We get along well, have fun with the kids together, cooperate - just not much depth.
And you are right - I am feeling used. (I am sure that she did for years, but can't change that)
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Even though she has hurt you deeply, she put her life on hold for a long time to be a dedicated mom to your kids. Since she supported you and helped you get where you are, it is fair, in my opinion, that you give her this time to create something of her own identity. If she becomes successful, it only benefits you and the kids even if you end up divorced.
Agreed. She did put her life on hold. Not only did she put her life on hold for the kids, but there were years in our M where I was working so hard on a start up that I was basically absent - she had 100% of the child care, household chores, etc.
So now it is her turn. In our current sitch, however, I just can't put my life on hold for her to the extend that she did for me.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/05/0903:15 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I just can't put my life on hold for her to the extend that she did for me.
As long as you're there and you have your own ambivalence, would it kill you to try? Not put your life on hold but, support her in this venture? See where that leads you?
I'm assuming the D is on the back burner. Why not try. You can always file yourself or change the arrangement. I don't think it matters that you have your expectations...somewhere you know she deserves some support. If it sucks too much, you can change it at anytime.
SP: Do you think that Thinker should go out to a bar and try and explain how his marriage is legal fiction? Yeah, right. That's hot.
Please.
Or, perhaps he should only target women who think that marriage and the fact that he is sleeping in the same bed with his WIFE is no big deal. Cuz THAT'S the kind of girl that will stay honest and true to Thinker.
As a SAHM, I *felt* this statement like a slap on the face:
"Sorry, but you're responsible for the kids during the day so suck it up and write at night"
Understood. It was a provocative, facetious statement used as an bad example of what to say (or an example of exactly what not to say) so that someone would come up with a better example.
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I can only shower when my kid naps. Meeting a friend for coffee is about the only thing I can do with a toddler, and I'm chasing him all over the coffee shop and trying to keep him from grabbing everything or running out the door. It isn't like my legs are crossed and I'm throwing my head back in laughter because life is just a picnic. It is HARD. And, at the end of the night when he finally goes to sleep, I am wiped out. I save all kinds of projects for the nighttime, but most often I just can't muster the energy to tackle them. I see my H go to work and go to lunch with his buddies. He can actually stand up from his desk, walk outside and buy a sandwich, go look at magazines at the newsstand... I don't have freedom to do such things without lugging a 25 lb wriggling toddler and a giant diaper bag. And then he goes and rehearses sometimes at night... And I'm still here keeping a watchful eye over our son.
I work at home. On my lunch break I fix sandwiches for the kids. When she goes out for coffee, she puts S1 down for a nap, puts S4 in front of the TV, and leaves.
But still, I understand your point.
Most of her writing is now done after the kids are in bed in the evenings.
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I don't know... I don't think she is going to feel love and support, or understanding of her dilemma if you don't support her on this. I think the only way to "win" is to give her some support.
Agreed. My dilemma is internal - how to provide the support without becoming resentful.
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Taking a step back.... Do you really love her, despite everything that has happened? Do you really want her as your wife? Do you admire her? If you could make this marriage work, would you be proud to have her as your wife?
Yes, Yes and Yes.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
SP: Do you think that Thinker should go out to a bar and try and explain how his marriage is legal fiction? Yeah, right. That's hot.
Please.
Or, perhaps he should only target women who think that marriage and the fact that he is sleeping in the same bed with his WIFE is no big deal. Cuz THAT'S the kind of girl that will stay honest and true to Thinker.
Your rationalization doesn't work here.
Lucky
I'm just sitting on the sidelines watching the tennis match here...
This really isn't about me, because it isn't what I am doing or even considering...
But still, I do love a spirited debate.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
The only thing keeping her from running is her equal fear of the impact of D on her. She say's that she knows that I would "Get Ugly" in a D. The end result would be that she would have to move out of her house and away from her friends, go back to work full time when she is not yet ready to, and give up 50% of her time with her kids (joint custody). Plus I think she would be afraid of the reaction from her family, our joint friends, etc.
Imagine that fear is keeping her in limbo. She knows the reality of what she proposes but she has lost hope. So understand she is afraid and use this intel. You can push the fear button or slowly love her out of this. Lead on Thinker.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My dilemma is internal - how to provide the support without becoming resentful
Think thru it. Resentment is how you feel. Change your thoughts.
Will being resentful help you on your journey? Will holding on to negative emotions be good for you?
You have a choice. You are in charge of your thoughts, feelings and actions. You are responsible for your own happiness. Handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You LOVE her and you want her to be your wife. Knowing that is all you need to know how to give her support and love.
Perhaps the only way you are not going to feel resentful is to make a little headway in your intimacy. I'm not focusing on sex here, I'm talking about your connection.
At some point, you may have to push gently against her wall. And then back off if her resistance is too hard. You'll have to read when to take risks and push and back off.
