I saw on another thread that you mentioned that a "friend" asked you to dinner. What is this about? Just in case one of my possible interpretations is accurate: In your particular sitch, you are still married and cohabitating, presumably sharing a bed. IMHO, flirtations don't seem quite right to me.
IMHO, they seem perfectly right to me. She called the tune; why should he pay the piper? If she's not going to commit or pull the trigger, why should she expect him to (a) commit and (b) not pull the trigger on "friends"?
That's Stay-at-home-Walkaway's problemo, not Thinker's. After all, if she wanted a committed, true-to-her husband, she'd act like a committed, true-to-him wife.
I "Think" that this fear has something to do with the fact that I am supporting my W in her endeavor not as an act of true giving, but as giving with expectations...
I am supporting her with the expectation that if it is successful, then I will have (finally) less than 100% of the financial responsibility for the family.
I am supporting her with the expectation that if she is successful, she will be happy and more able to be happy in a M.
I am supporting her with the expectation that she will appreciate the support, that it will reduce some of the resentment she has at giving up her career to follow mine, and that it will help us to come back together.
I am supporting her due to my love for start-up ventures and my desire to be involved myself.
I am supporting her due to my moral obligation to support her as my W.
I think I am fearful here because it feels like more unappreciated self-sacrifice.
Maybe if I had my own exciting projects I was working on, I wouldn't fear this at all???
hmmmmm....
I'm Thinking....I'm Thinking....
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I saw on another thread that you mentioned that a "friend" asked you to dinner. What is this about? Just in case one of my possible interpretations is accurate: In your particular sitch, you are still married and cohabitating, presumably sharing a bed. IMHO, flirtations don't seem quite right to me. Perhaps I am working with limited information on this point.
Hi Lucky,
I was joking on that thread. I had just finished stating that for now I was going to be "friends" with my W, but for not not expect anything more. Right after that, my W called from work and asked me out to dinner.
So that "Friend" was my W.
We went out to dinner. It was casual - pizza and friendly talk. It got a bit strained at the end as W stopped talking. The we went home. Just friends.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/05/0902:42 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
If the marriage is over, then there is a proper and dignified way to handle things so that he doesn't don the mask of Creepy Married Guy Who Is In Anguish Over His Existence Of Not Having The Vows Upheld Who Is Now Covertly Seeking Someone External To The Marriage To Give Him An Excuse To Leave The Marriage.
Or something like that.
In most situations here, I don't think that flirtations and getting a healthy dose of validation for your battered egos is wrong. In Thinker's case, the terms of the R are still being explored and established.
First things first.
Just because Mrs. Thinker had an EA doesn't give Thinker the right to dabble around.
Thinker: Don't lower yourself. You're too good for that.
But sitting down at home and writing? It's up to her, not you. Sorry, but that's the way it goes in our world. If she can't hack it, then that's on her. But this is one of those times when you need to draw a clear and inviolable boundary.
I have noticed, and get bitter about, the fact that she seems to find plenty of time to meet for coffee with her girlfriends, but can't find time to write. This has been a point of contention between us for years - she complains about not having time to do something, but refuses to give up any of her social life.
(But then, I'm the opposite. I give up my social life to work on projects, and then get frustrated that I don't have a social life...)
Not sure how to "draw a clear and inviolate boundary" - "Sorry, but you're responsible for the kids during the day so suck it up and write at night"??
Quote:
If you give up your progress, you're heading back to Square One. And since, Blithe, you're already dead -- what's the point in that?
I figured that one out myself.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Not sure how to "draw a clear and inviolate boundary" - "Sorry, but you're responsible for the kids during the day so suck it up and write at night"??
It depends on how you communicate, right? A generic version:
I think it's great that you've got this book project going on. It's just like my [fill in the blank]. It's helping you establish your new identity in the midst of our separation and divorce. That's terrific. And I sure don't envy you the challenge of finding time to write; I've seen here and there on the internet a lot of discussions by writers of confronting that challenge. But I have every confidence that you'll manage it. Just like I'm managing to find the time to [do my GAL stuff]. It won't be easy -- just like it's not easy for me to [GAL], but I wouldn't give those things up now, since they're so meaningful and important to me. But I'm totally confident that you won't give up on this writing, just because you have to X, Y, and Z during the day.
Hey! I just thought of something! Would you be interested in the links for some of those things I saw on the Web? Because I'd be happy to -- oh, look at the time! I've got to go to [spinning, basket-weaving, work, the gym, drive over to the 7-11 and have a Slurpee].
If the marriage is over, then there is a proper and dignified way to handle things so that he doesn't don the mask of Creepy Married Guy Who Is In Anguish Over His Existence Of Not Having The Vows Upheld Who Is Now Covertly Seeking Someone External To The Marriage To Give Him An Excuse To Leave The Marriage.
(a) Who said covert?
(b) Who said anything about leaving?
If there's no one INTERNAL to the marriage, the marriage is a legal fiction -- nothing more, nothing less.
I'm not passing judgment. If Thinker or anyone else believes "in marriage" enough to stay "married" even though his/her spouse is, for all intents and purposes, not married, then more power to them. But that's a personal choice to sustain limbo.
Quote:
I don't think that flirtations and getting a healthy dose of validation for your battered egos is wrong
(c) Who said it's validation for battered ego? Maybe it's just Moving On.
As a SAHM, I *felt* this statement like a slap on the face:
"Sorry, but you're responsible for the kids during the day so suck it up and write at night"
I can only shower when my kid naps. Meeting a friend for coffee is about the only thing I can do with a toddler, and I'm chasing him all over the coffee shop and trying to keep him from grabbing everything or running out the door. It isn't like my legs are crossed and I'm throwing my head back in laughter because life is just a picnic. It is HARD. And, at the end of the night when he finally goes to sleep, I am wiped out. I save all kinds of projects for the nighttime, but most often I just can't muster the energy to tackle them. I see my H go to work and go to lunch with his buddies. He can actually stand up from his desk, walk outside and buy a sandwich, go look at magazines at the newsstand... I don't have freedom to do such things without lugging a 25 lb wriggling toddler and a giant diaper bag. And then he goes and rehearses sometimes at night... And I'm still here keeping a watchful eye over our son.
Writing is incredibly hard and requires energy and thought and uninterrupted focus. When I have to write for work, I do some during naptime and more late at night. It gets pieced together somehow, but it isn't ideal.
I don't know... I don't think she is going to feel love and support, or understanding of her dilemma if you don't support her on this. I think the only way to "win" is to give her some support.
Taking a step back.... Do you really love her, despite everything that has happened? Do you really want her as your wife? Do you admire her? If you could make this marriage work, would you be proud to have her as your wife?
