Jeez SP- I wonder if this is the most imperfect time to take a closer look at this or the most perfect...it'll be your call.
I was "personal space" lady in my R. The relentless, charming, revered sense of humor that H possessed and that every one but me seemed to appreciate, ultimately helped to polarize H and I to an extent that will likely prove terminal. I felt so lonely in my soberness. It was as if the emotional burden was mine and he was entitled to this lightness and levity. I was playing off of him. It wasn't even "me" it was what had to be done to TCB. And he would chide me for it. "What happened to your sense of humor?" and "You used to laugh, now you're like an old lady." And he didn't think enough to digest (even when I told him as much) that he had something to do with it. And the worst part, other women apparently LOVED it and he let me know that. Tons of friends (some whom I really like and respect), they love it. So, what was MY problem. How about, that I knew H was actually depressed? How about that I needed him to be the sober one sometimes and make the space for me to breathe with him quietly. I didn't want to shower with him (even after sex), why? I don't seem to mind it now at all. Because, he was the overwhelming energy sucking, attention seeking, star of the show and it felt more peaceful to get away from him despite how much I loved him. And now that he is gone, when he is around, of course, come a little closer, let me feel YOU near me and see if I can feel peaceful and safe and respected...I don't think it is a conscious test but it is a test none the less.
Maybe your real mojo is just to be able to look at her (not in a creepy way) but just stillness, you're not running the show, you're just being you. When H settles down with me, oh my, I feel I could ML, shower with him, grow old together. But, he's so busy being "super cultured, interesting, important, funny, nothing will bring me down guy."
SP- I think maybe this comes up on the approach of "talk to the kids day" because you may want to consider curbing it on the quips. Just really being there. And don't make it easier for W or back her up in any disingenuous way but really, your kids, while they need to know everything will be ok, IMO (having lived with D and death as a child), they need to know you "get it" that they are not alone in their experience. I mean, so many people say "if you're happy, the kids will be happy." It is BS, even statistics have shown it. How does it feel to have your world crumble and have everyone just gloss over it and skip off? I take a different approach, this is hard and it hurts and we'll get through it. I DO NOT mean to suggest that you would make jokes or gloss over. I don't have a clue or know you well enough to make such a suggestion. I am just trying to drive home that now is your chance to be really real, to be the pillar in your family, to be very still and very present and exhibit to your children how ok it is to feel.
Sorry for the lecture. I think there is something here. Maybe you picked a woman who just cannot appreciate the glory of you enough. That is what H thinks of me and so do some of his friends. But, in all likelihood, he will just go on to knock the socks off another woman who within a couple years will be worn out.
What is your mojo really about? What is different about you now since bomb dropped? Take stock.
