I'm very keen on Native American lore. I've always been partial to this one:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into a town in the West and hear a ruckus inside the saloon and faroe hall. "Tonto," says Our Hero, "we'd better go check it out." "You're right, Keemo-Sabe," answers Tonto, who goes into the saloon, where a bunch of drunken cowboys kick the sh*t out of him until the Lone Ranger swaggers through the door, guns a'drawn, and arrests the lot.
A couple days later, they ride into another frontier town and hear a ruckus inside the assayer's office. "Tonto," says the Masked Man, "we'd better go check it out." "As you say, Keemo-Sabe," replies Tonto, who goes into the assayer's office, where a bunch of greedy and drunken gold miners kick the sh*t out of him until the Lone Ranger struts through the door, levels his Peacemakers, and arrests the lot.
That weekend, the two are riding the range and hear a ruckus coming from a Cherokee encampment down by the river. "Tonto," says the Ranger, "we'd better go check it out."
Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "What do you mean, 'we,' white man?"
------- So now, when Herself says that it's important that "we" do this or "we" do that, or suggest that "we" need to be reasonable, my reply is, "What do you mean, 'we,' White WAW?"
After work yesterday I took S6 and S4 to swimming lessons. I made a decision that I was getting out and was going to be social so I made a conscious transition into "happy social father man" and packed the boys into the car.
And while the boys were in their lesson I had fun, cheerful chats with 4 different women - all mom's waiting for their kids.
And I was happy, and social. And I had fun.
So was that being ingenuous? Was that not being me?
It was certainly better than being "Morose Stay-at-home Man"
I think there is something to the "Mask" concept - for some people it is a very useful tool for executing an attitude shift. It doesn't change your core person, but it changes how you interface with the world.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I'm reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
I read it years ago, but it's really good to revisit it. Some of the things hit me quite differently now than they did when I first read it as new exec fresh out of the military with no kids, no M, and relatively no experience.
In particular, the reprinted section in Chapter 1 - "Father Forgets" - really hit home.
I'm reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
I read it years ago, but it's really good to revisit it. Some of the things hit me quite differently now than they did when I first read it as new exec fresh out of the military with no kids, no M, and relatively no experience.
In particular, the reprinted section in Chapter 1 - "Father Forgets" - really hit home.
It really makes you think about your R with your kids.
My oldest son "graduated" from Middle School yesterday and I go him a card on which the printed words told him how much love and pride I feel for him (he's had a tough time already, but HE has overcome a lot... from being diagnosed as bi-polar to getting straight A's)... But the sentiment expressed in Father Forgets is so similar to the thoughts I was trying to express to him in the card where, paraphrasing, I wrote:
Son,
You can't possibly know how proud I am of you and what you've overcome -- of course you can't, because we, as parents, don't tell you enough that there's so much more about you that we love than we don't -- as the things that aren't so great get disproportionate "air time". So, I want to tell you now just how proud I am of the great strides you've made in just a few short years -- from being "grounded for life" in 6th grade because you weren't even putting forth an effort true to yourself, to becoming a top student. Don't forget, all we ever asked for was for you to give it your best effort. The results have been a wonderful plus, but they all came from YOU. You're a great kid, a great brother to your siblings, and I'm proud that you are my son. But, and this is where I started, the real reason I'm telling you all of this is because Dads sometimes forget to tell their children enough about the good in them -- there is far more that I love about you than you hear. So, even when the words don't sound loving or do sound harsh, please remember this card and that what I'm always feeling about you is love and pride.
Love,
Daddy
Last edited by AlexEN; 06/04/0907:45 PM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
So here is something I'd like some feedback on: More Fear and Uncertainty in the Gray Zone...
My W is writing a book. She started working on the proposal several months ago, has that finished, and is now ready to really dive into it. This is a really good thing for her - right up her alley, perfect for her as a way to step back into her field after being a SAHM for a long time, etc. As her H, I support the idea fully.
But I know that in her mind, I am not fully her H. She is not committed. She is not in love with me. She would leave if she felt she could.
And now the book has reached a point where she has to commit to it and really begin working on it. This is going to mean significant expenses toward the book - both direct investment and in the form of increased childcare since she needs to establish regular hours to work on it. Since W has no significant income right now, this would all come out of the family budget (ie my salary) or our savings. It also means that a larger portion of the evening weekend child and home care responsibilities are going to fall on me because she will be tied up. So if this book get's written, it will be because I have invested a lot into it as well. It will mean giving up some of the freedom, security and GAL activities that I now have.
Now if the M were solid, stable and committed I would have no problem with this. She has supported me when I was working on start-up business ideas and had to work long hours. It is only fair that I now support her. In fact, I would see it as investment in the future prosperity of the family.
But I have the nagging feeling / fear that I am being used; that she expects me to support her on this - giving time and money and providing a stable base for her so that she can focus on it, while all the while she is just waiting to get it launched and tie up a few other loose ends in her plan so that she can drop the next bomb on me.
This probably ties right into the biggest fear I have here in Limboland: the fear that I am being used.
So right now I am supporting her fully - taking time off from work so that she can attend meetings with publishers, working with her to find ways to afford additional child care, helping her directly when I can, etc.
but I need to find ways to either a) reduce and deal with the real risk to myself, or b) just face and deal with the fear of fear.
---
I'm open to any feedback or suggestions.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/05/0902:06 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Did she tell you that she would leave if she thought she could? In other words, she is ONLY staying for the kids?
If she stays for the kids but doesn't work on the marriage with you, is that what you really want? If this is what you are perceiving, no wonder you are feeling "used."
Where is the joy and love? The things that brought you together and inspired the creation of children? Is there any right now?
Even though she has hurt you deeply, she put her life on hold for a long time to be a dedicated mom to your kids. Since she supported you and helped you get where you are, it is fair, in my opinion, that you give her this time to create something of her own identity. If she becomes successful, it only benefits you and the kids even if you end up divorced.
I saw on another thread that you mentioned that a "friend" asked you to dinner. What is this about? Just in case one of my possible interpretations is accurate: In your particular sitch, you are still married and cohabitating, presumably sharing a bed. IMHO, flirtations don't seem quite right to me. Perhaps I am working with limited information on this point.
now the book has reached a point where she has to commit to it and really begin working on it. This is going to mean significant expenses...since she needs to establish regular hours to work on it...would all come out of the family budget...giving up some of the freedom, security and GAL activities that I now have.
Nope.
I get up at 2:30 in the morning to write. And I write until roughly 6:30 when I have a quick shower before the kids get up. Or did, anyway, until D-bomb put a crimp in my schedule. But that's a GAL for me.
"Find the time to write" -- the oldest story in the writing world. "I can't find the time to write" -- the oldest excuse -- Excuse # 1 -- in the writing world.
Now if she needs to go on a research trip out of town or something, you might suck that up as an act of Friendiness.
But sitting down at home and writing? It's up to her, not you. Sorry, but that's the way it goes in our world. If she can't hack it, then that's on her. But this is one of those times when you need to draw a clear and inviolable boundary.
If you give up your progress, you're heading back to Square One. And since, Blithe, you're already dead -- what's the point in that?
Thinker, Another of the great lessons I learned here. - The person in distress needs to bring up the issues to the other.
You need to bring up your issues and how they make you feel. Don't tell her you don't think she isn't committed, what you think she expects, and that you think she is using this book to prep for her next bomb. (I stepped all in this mine field once.) To do this effectively you need to be detached (remember you are already dead) and have no expectations. It will be healthy for you to get this in the open. You have valid points that need to be discussed (this is really friendship). This will be you leading and not accepting the status quo (limboland). Just calmly state how you feel and why. Don't expect her to validate or agree. Do it because it's the right thing to do for yourself. This is how you escape limboland. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
