GETTING UN'STUCK'

[confusedinpa]

My WAW friend at work, who I've been talking to about my situation to try and understand the WAW mentality my wife may be going through, had lamented about how she wished her husband (she walked away 6 months ago) would just find someone else he was interested in so he would leave her alone.

So, this could easily backfire on someone.....

I do agree on one thing, it's probably not the best position to be in where she may think that you are always the backup plan in the event she needs to go back to someone.

[robx]

If you've been a member of this site for any appreciable amount of time you know that you should believe half or less of what any WAS says.

Yes she said she hoped he would find someone else, it's an easy thought to get in her head. If he found someone I wouldn't feel as guilty for not loving him anymore, not having sex with him anymore and I wouldn't feel guilty for having an affair.

However... those feelings don't disappear because of someone else's actions. Did you stop wanting your wives when they had affairs?

All I can say is this is not true.

It would be the opposite of what they say and it still appears that you are using your same old male logic to look at & deal with this situation, hence you are still trying to find out how to get your wives attracted to you again.

Pushing the buttons that trigger attraction is the easier thing to accomplish vs. keeping your wife after you get her to come back.

[robx]

My W told me "I wish you would find someone already!"

I think that was her way of saying...back off. I just flipped that back at her and said that was disrespectful to our Ds and to me who just want her and not another mother. I also told her that she was being disrespectful to herself because it was like saying, find someone better than me. After that, she never brought it up again.

I think they say that about us having another person (when our Ss have had an A) so it makes what they did much more acceptable.

Your wife is in love with her feelings right now.
When you say something that is the opposite of what she thinks & feels you are against her. If you are against her, anything you say will be met with opposition and don't mistake her silence for agreement with you.

The next time she says something like this or anything else for that matter, reply back "you are right, I'm going to start looking soon, I need someone better for me" and leave it at that and walk away.

In fact anything she says, just agree with.
If she says the sky is red and it's blue, tell her she's right, it's red. If she says you're a bum and the reason for the marriage problems, tell her she's right, you are the worst person in the world, stop defending yourself and if she says that maybe she should leave, you agree with her (because you won't be moving anytime soon) and offer to help her move out.

If she says something you don't agree with, just agree.

Do the opposite of everything you're currently doing with her.
If you're super nice and anti-drama, stop being super nice and start generating some drama.

Mix it up a bit, seriously at this point, you have nothing left to lose, it's all experimentation now... and let go of your current mindset when it comes to dealing with these problems - none of what you are doing is working so start doing something that will work otherwise you can look forward to experiencing the same results you are currently generating with your existing methods.

[sandi2]

A MLC believe it or not is a good thing.

WHAT?????

She is evaluating her life, you have the chance to do the same thing right now.

Are you saying that a MLC is a person taking an "evaluation" of their life??? Are you saying that Stuck should have a MLC and evaluate his life like his wife did? And it is a good thing???

All of the things she has accomplished in her life are important to her, she is however at a point in her life where she has accomplished what she first set out as goals in her life and now what's left?

She has done what she thought would take a life time to accomplish and thinks that she has nothing left to accomplish: is this all there is to life? Just because you are satisfied with the status quo doesn't mean she is or ever would be? Maybe she thinks that you require that from her and it's a very unfulfilling life she has to look forward to.

What are you talking about? What are you basing this on? Most people have set goals in life, but when we reach them, we don't decide to freak out, have an A and ruin a M and fmaily.

MLC or not, it's hard to look at life that way.

Yes, well, some folks have to go on with life, right? Depends on where your standards and values lie. Each person has the choice to make the most of their life and to be happy or miserable. They can lose themselves in a MLC and destroy an entire family, but IT IS NOT A GOOD THING AND NEVER WILL BE! How can you say that?

The OM represented a new life, a new adventure, new challenges, new everything and she wants some excitement in her life and unfortunately with the way you act, you don't offer her that much excitement: use the night of going out to dinner and watching that show as an example: you said it yourself, nothing to talk about, she never laughed, very quiet, etc. Sounds like someone who is so bored with their current life that they are slowly dying inside because of it.

So now you are blaming Stuck for his W having a MLC?? Well, then I suppose I had a right to have my EA and "crises" as well b/c you would certainly consider my H as being "boring" if you thought Stuck's night out with his W was that way. Thank you for setting me free of that guilt and putting the blame on my H. All this time I have taken responsibility for my own actions when it was his fault. I knew it was all along! I had blamed him for years for my unhappiness in our M and thought I could have done better. I especially resented him and allowed that to build into an unhealty state of mind and made me ripe for an EA when other circumstances entered our lives to add to my lonliness (which, of course, was my H's fault, too) and I found excitement with OM over the Internet and thank God b/c man was my old H one boring sucker. I felt like a million dollar baby when I was on cam with my OM and we were getting it on. Too bad my H caugt me in the act and nearly had a heart attack that night. Oh well, his bad..........as long as I know that it was okay for me to find something more satisfying and exciting in my life, then I'm good to go! Thanks to you Robx, men and women everywhere will feel free to abandon the M and go have an A and know that it doesn't hurt to throw in a MLC while they are at it. After all, you said a MLC is a good thing, right? Hey, let's all go promote having a MLC party and see how many we can get to partake. Who cares if those old boring LBS get hurt......they deserve it for not being more and showing us a great time in life!

[confusedinpa]

Thanks to you Robx, men and women everywhere will feel free to abandon the M and go have an A and know that it doesn't hurt to throw in a MLC while they are at it. After all, you said a MLC is a good thing, right? Hey, let's all go promote having a MLC party and see how many we can get to partake. Who cares if those old boring LBS get hurt......they deserve it for not being more and showing us a great time in life!

Sandi - remember - DEEP BREATHS

I thought the DIM thing on my thread pushed a button.....

[Kittyfish]

If you've been a member of this site for any appreciable amount of time you know that you should believe half or less of what any WAS says.

I hope that doesn't include former WAS because I believe I have a unique perception.

[futureunknown]

Wow Sandi, reading your reaction to robx makes me feel better about my situation. I hope my W someday sees her actions like you now see yours. I've been beating myself up an awful lot over my failures in my M, almost to the point of thinking my W was totally justified in doing what she did. I don't know if there was another way for my W and I to break out of the bad state we were in, but I'll never think what she did was my fault. Thank you.

[sandi2]

Hey Confused........about the "dim thing".....no problem. I understand where you are coming from with it. I suppose I was trying to stay with Michelle's termonology instead of one that was started by a poster. I remember when that happened and IMHO, it is not a clear way to explain the technique......but maybe that is just me. Don't worry about "my buttons".....lol. I tend to want to take some people under my wings to help them and do not want them to be mislead by a particular definition. Apparently, I am the only one that has a problem with it, so everythis is okay.

Take care,
Sandi

[confusedinpa]

Hey Confused........about the "dim thing".....no problem. I understand where you are coming from with it. I suppose I was trying to stay with Michelle's termonology instead of one that was started by a poster. I remember when that happened and IMHO, it is not a clear way to explain the technique......but maybe that is just me. Don't worry about "my buttons".....lol. I tend to want to take some people under my wings to help them and do not want them to be mislead by a particular definition. Apparently, I am the only one that has a problem with it, so everythis is okay.

Take care,
Sandi

Sure thing Sandi - no worries.

BTW - any chance of popping by my thread? Things have changed this week where she has dropped off communication or anything like that. Just looking for some input

Thanks!

[sandi2]

I wanted to say this to Rob.

You know that I have supported you since you came on the board. I was very proud of how quickly you used the DR techniques and seem to grasp hold of your stitch and move. I even recommended your thread to some other men who were having a tough time b/c I thought you could inspire them by your own experience. However, I want to remind you that you are relatively still new and please be careful what you say. So many others are reading these posts that we are not aware of them being around b/c they don't say anything......but they are reading. I had agreed basically with your posts to Stuck until that last one. I was shocked at what you said. I was also disappointed. Maybe you intended it a differernt way or maybe I was the one who read it incorrectly.

I can understand a spouse being boring,"lifeless", or draining to the R....to the point that the other one is ready to "walk out" after years and years of working hard to give the MR some "fire". (I could write a book based on my own experiences in my M regarding the same problem.) However, based on one's standards, it does not make it the "right" thing to do or to "excuse" a S or D. But, I do "understand" a person walking away from a R like that.

I cannot point a finger even at a boring, lifeless spouse and say they are to blame for the other one entering a MLC. Even though the signs of a WAS and that of MLC are similar, they are two different areas or "conditions" altogether. If you ever experience a MLC (God forbid), then you will get first-hand knowledge of how bad it is and that it most certainly NOT A GOOD THING.......EVER! I hope you think about this, Rob, and please never tell another LBS that they were too boring and their spouse wanted more excitement than they were getting in the M is why they are where they are now. On one hand, I want to see what you are trying to say (I think), but I am concerned that it could be interpreted very wrong.

This is the first post of yours that I have run across in a while, during my board postings, and certainly one where I disagreed so strongly. I am hoping it was just an "off" day for you and that you will rethink this line of advice.

Sandi