Why not?

[mindfull]

Hey AK:

I read something that Sandi2 had written on another thread... thought it applied to what you said about "wanting" to be able to explain the events of the evening (and S9's feelings) and what he's doing to the family/kids....

The thing is.......you are or "were" trying to see him as if you were expecting him to use a "normal" thought process and to conduct himself as if he were as normal as you (or at least as normal as he use to be). That is not going to happen. I am going to say this, sweetheart, and I am not trying to see how mean and hurtful I can be b/c you have experienced enough of that, okay? Here comes a blunt point........the H you knew and was M to is no longer here on planet earth. It is as if he has died. You can see a body that reminds you of him, but that is far as any recognition goes. As they say here on the board....it is as if a alien has snatched his body and he has been replaced by something/somebody you don't know. Guess what? He does not know who he is any longer, either. He is confused and tries to bluff his way around and convince people he is great and you are horrible and he is loving his new life. It is all garbage! He is miserable, confused, angry, hurting, bitter, resentful, and all of the other emotions that are negative. He would not have you know that.....or anybody else......therefore the reason for "games" and the split personality, the strange behavior, etc. The stress he is causing for himself is almost unbearable, but he has to get through this hell that he is in. I pray that his health does not decline and he will not take as long as some people do before his senses return and he can see and think clearly. I don't know if anyone can fully understand without actually experiencing it.

The first thing I would tell you is that you need to go into "survival mode" ASAP. Until you can do that, he is going to be meaner and more nasty to you each time he sees you. When he looks at you and sees your pain....he is filled with guilt and anger. I know, you don't think so, but he is. He doesn't even fully realize all his own emotions at this point b/c he is in such a state of fantasy & confusion. That causes him extreme stress, conflict, turmoil and a lot of other things I could mention! B/c he can't handle all these misunderstood emotions that he is experiencing, he lashes out at you, or your mother, in anger or some other nasty way. He is in pain, but he is in complete denial and therfore he tries to hurt you (or your mother) worse than he is hurting. It may appear to you that he is successful at this, but you don't know what goes on inside of him when he departs from seeing you.

I'm not sure what I would tell you TO do, but I can pass this along... It appears he might not be able to process it.

We're with ya...

You hold him, and I'll swing, or vice versa!