This morning I told H me and the kids would be going to visit my folks til sunday. He was okay about that. Since our conversation is very limited right now I`m trying to stay calm and, in the light of us separating, just keeping it to the kids` welfare.
But I did thank him for making a decision to separate to "take us both from this very painful place" He seemed a bit taken aback by this. I reiterated that I understood how difficult the decision was for him especially with all the pressure his mother is piling on him. He said deciding was one thing... I said no deciding was a terrific thing because you really took control. He said "we`ll see" and left with"deciding is one thing doing it is another" And "enjoy your week end" I thanked him and said I would.
Dumb me had really believed him when he said he wanted to separate and would leave. He has a history of dithering. COuldn`t make a decision to save his life.Which is why I thanked him for making this one.His pattern has been to let me make the decision and then blame me for making it. yes, even when it still looked like a good decision he would find fault with it.
With his MLC he has just got worse that way.
Another example of that is these two weddings we`ve been invited to. He just can`t decide what to do. I was very clear with him that I would go, so he questions that "Why would you want to go" and still hasn`t told me whether we`re going or not"because we`re not talkin" Its really taken the rug from under him that I`ve gone to social occasions without him.
I think the underpinning element in his thinking is that he doesn`t want me to enjoy myself and will do anything to stop me getting what I want. He also likes bringing me to the brink-edge of the cliff with stuff just to frustrate me and get me angry and see me fight him and blame me for our problems.
But LRT has taken me to a calmer place. I don`t get frustrated any more.Right through the LRT he has pushed ever button in the book -locked me out of the bedroom -took my phone to read my messages -banned me from using the credit card to pay my phone -left the electricity bill unpaid(I still don`t know if he`s paid it) -refused to anything I requested re transparency of our bill paying -closed the door on me in the closet -took my payslip from the mail box(check goes straight to bank though) -Not letting me know if he`ll join me on social occasions -leaving the grass uncut -doing absolutely noting around the house -leaving the house and not coming back for the whole day
That sort of silly stuff. All designed to hit at me. I`ve journalled my LRT and looking back on it now, I can see his pattern. The better and more detached I get the crazier he becomes.His coup de grace was to say he was going to move out. But now I`ve become so calm I say "That`s okay. You`ve got to do whatever makes you happy. We just have to put the welfare of the kids to the fore in all this"
And now, because I`m not thresing about the place, angry or weeping he`s begining to have a change of heart.
As he walked away this morning my soft words burning in his ear, I could see his hair is thinning at the back. No doubt this is taking a toll on him and there`s a tiny part of me that feels his pain though he seems oblivious to mine.
I think dropping the rope for me has been good. I need to let H and the universe steer this ship and accept any outcome.
Meanwhile I`m going to GAL my ass off. Fell off the Looking Good wagon this week. Gotta exercise, eat well,rest.I`m moving on with the kind of life I`ll have with or without Rog.There`s a ton of projects I`m going to do around the house because it`ll keep me occupied and I won`t have as much money to do it if he goes!I`m keeping up the watersports and tennis I`ve started with the kids. I`m sticking with my once a week psychotherapy visits. And I`m going to get back into meditation to calm my spirit.
