Well, remember, this doesn't mean anything is done. I think this was a step that had to happen, no matter what the end result turns out to be.
I also think that this validates what you've been doing! By not taking the bait, you let him actually make a decision! We don't know if he will actually follow up on it, but he gets to take responsibility for his own actions.
Even though W is still in the house (not for long!), things around here got a lot calmer once decisions were made. I hope the same is true for you. It might feel like it, but this isn't the worst thing that could happen, by a long shot.
Now it's time to turn your focus from him to you. Without taking him into account, what can you do to be the best Fallgirl that's ever been seen?
Yes, I really have changed in not taking a bait, not getting angry and wow he actually made the decision himself which really is something.
I still feel very sad of course but I do believe things should get calmer around here. I`ve accepted his decision so he`s free to go and that should give him some relief too.
I do hope all goes the best possible way for you! Dunno how your WAS is walking away esp since your obviously such a thoughtful guy, but that`s WAS s for you-just lose all sense of reality and logic.
Thanks for the hugs too! Just logging on here in the hopes of someone to talk to as I need to be around people-on the phone online and in the real world as much as possible right now. S`pose I just don`t want to get too sad in myself.
thanks for the xanax tip Peace. I`m partial to a drink too! But too mean to become addicted! And anyway, I`ve just had three xanax in the past three weeks so I should be ok.
Woke up yesterday to a sense of relief and sadness. By night fall I just felt relieved.
I am so glad to be heading out of this pain!Its been TOO hard TOO long for both of us. I popped into a neighbour yesterday, was asking him about his recent hol and he showed me pictures of him his exwife, her partner, his new partner and his two kids by both women all in the pool laughing and basking in the sunshine. The man doesn`t know my sitch and I didn`t know the extent of his but I thought Wow isn`t it just great that they have all moved on and get along so well? I can do that too!
My therapist helped me see what a huge step my H took. He actually made a decision-a tough decision- for once. He initiated the very difficult conversation too.I had thanked him for that but I really should have said That`s fabulous what you just did. You`re helping us both away from this pain.
My realised the kids could be in an even better place. We`ll both be able to be better parents for them. We`ll be calmer and coming from a happier place.
I have to truly drop the rope. I`ve been steering this ship for too long. I would have liked to do MC but forcing H to do that is a non runner. I respect his decision and won`t make it any harder for him.Time to really let go.
I understand the feeling of relief. Once we decided that we had to serparate, the eggshells seemed to go away. I didn't like that it came to that, but it was what had to happen, I think.
You sound good! Keep it up! (There will be the other days... don't be shocked when they jump up!)
This morning I told H me and the kids would be going to visit my folks til sunday. He was okay about that. Since our conversation is very limited right now I`m trying to stay calm and, in the light of us separating, just keeping it to the kids` welfare.
But I did thank him for making a decision to separate to "take us both from this very painful place" He seemed a bit taken aback by this. I reiterated that I understood how difficult the decision was for him especially with all the pressure his mother is piling on him. He said deciding was one thing... I said no deciding was a terrific thing because you really took control. He said "we`ll see" and left with"deciding is one thing doing it is another" And "enjoy your week end" I thanked him and said I would.
Dumb me had really believed him when he said he wanted to separate and would leave. He has a history of dithering. COuldn`t make a decision to save his life.Which is why I thanked him for making this one.His pattern has been to let me make the decision and then blame me for making it. yes, even when it still looked like a good decision he would find fault with it.
With his MLC he has just got worse that way.
Another example of that is these two weddings we`ve been invited to. He just can`t decide what to do. I was very clear with him that I would go, so he questions that "Why would you want to go" and still hasn`t told me whether we`re going or not"because we`re not talkin" Its really taken the rug from under him that I`ve gone to social occasions without him.
I think the underpinning element in his thinking is that he doesn`t want me to enjoy myself and will do anything to stop me getting what I want. He also likes bringing me to the brink-edge of the cliff with stuff just to frustrate me and get me angry and see me fight him and blame me for our problems.
But LRT has taken me to a calmer place. I don`t get frustrated any more.Right through the LRT he has pushed ever button in the book -locked me out of the bedroom -took my phone to read my messages -banned me from using the credit card to pay my phone -left the electricity bill unpaid(I still don`t know if he`s paid it) -refused to anything I requested re transparency of our bill paying -closed the door on me in the closet -took my payslip from the mail box(check goes straight to bank though) -Not letting me know if he`ll join me on social occasions -leaving the grass uncut -doing absolutely noting around the house -leaving the house and not coming back for the whole day
That sort of silly stuff. All designed to hit at me. I`ve journalled my LRT and looking back on it now, I can see his pattern. The better and more detached I get the crazier he becomes.His coup de grace was to say he was going to move out. But now I`ve become so calm I say "That`s okay. You`ve got to do whatever makes you happy. We just have to put the welfare of the kids to the fore in all this"
And now, because I`m not thresing about the place, angry or weeping he`s begining to have a change of heart.
As he walked away this morning my soft words burning in his ear, I could see his hair is thinning at the back. No doubt this is taking a toll on him and there`s a tiny part of me that feels his pain though he seems oblivious to mine.
I think dropping the rope for me has been good. I need to let H and the universe steer this ship and accept any outcome.
Meanwhile I`m going to GAL my ass off. Fell off the Looking Good wagon this week. Gotta exercise, eat well,rest.I`m moving on with the kind of life I`ll have with or without Rog.There`s a ton of projects I`m going to do around the house because it`ll keep me occupied and I won`t have as much money to do it if he goes!I`m keeping up the watersports and tennis I`ve started with the kids. I`m sticking with my once a week psychotherapy visits. And I`m going to get back into meditation to calm my spirit.
I haven't read anymore of your sitch than your last post, but our H's sound identical with the indecision/let us make the decision/blame us if it's the wrong one pattern.
You are very brave to go ahead (and to his face) accept the decision to separate. Good job!!! Sounds like your approach is slowly beginning to bear fruit!
Way to go!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Thanks for your post! Did manage to read a few of your posts. Even your profile shows how incredible you are! So focussed and patient. Particularly loved your goals post where you tightly frame a relationship goal, achieved it, and moved on.
Do I really want to stay married? I dont know.
But since I`m in GAL mode I`m going to take a leaf out of your book and frame a relationship goal too.
I just read your entire thread. Wish you weren't so far away in... IRELAND! I'm in the US/MidWest. We have a lot of similarities in our H's, our M's, and the turmoil in our H's childhoods. Sh%t! How did we get stuck with the after affects? We are kickas% fabulous women for Pete's sake!
Your kids are similar in ages to mine, as well... Except I have a D18 (God, help me!) that just graduated from high school a week ago today. My boys are 12 and 9. Darlings... SO FAR!
Here's what I'm proud of for you:
-- YOU are productive! -- YOU appear to NOT let H or his moods affect your day (for the most part). -- YOU truly dropped the rope (in front of him, at least) and validated his decision to separate. -- YOU are more honest than I re: Do I really want to stay married? I won't say I don't know... yet... I'm terrified.
I'll keep checking in! My BFF is in Ireland right now with her daughter. Just flew in yesterday. Susie is her name, so if you run into her... find her a pint! She's darling! Hahahaha
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
We are kickas% fabulous women for Pete's sake!