This is, I must say one area that is quite different for most men vs. women.
And, what a mindf*ck it can be...flirty, romantic, enticing...still leaving...so, my resolve must be ironclad.
Imagine Mrs. Thinker starts giving you the vibe, means something, stirs something in you, right? Well, I have to walk the line. I may ALWAYS want H to want me but I've got to keep it cool.
If you read back in my thread a bit you will see that Mrs Thinker has done just that to me a number of times in the past few months - and each time she withdrew immediately afterwards, and each time it screwed me up emotionally - me being one man who can't seem to separate his heart from his pants.
I do know what is like.
To quote several people (including SP here) "sex is not a golden bridge to reconciliation".
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
me being one man who can't seem to separate his heart from his pants.
This, darling, is a real positive about you. I know it doesn't feel like it. If you are just going to f*ck to do it, it shouldn't be someone you have such a strong attachment to. (I'm a little slow and that took me a while).
Damn, so you've got friendship, attraction, children...aargh, I'm feelin' you.
No regrets though on the sex for me. Just movin' on...
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To quote several people (including SP here) "sex is not a golden bridge to reconciliation".
So, tonight S9 had a meltdown about how afraid he is of me dying...he "thinks about it everyday." We talked a bit about it and then he told me whimpering that he also misses daddy. He told me that he is so sad that daddy doesn't live here anymore. He asked me why he isn't living here. I suggested again that he talk to H because he doesn't know how he is feeling, that he thinks he likes it better. S9 said he did like that he was getting more time with daddy when he was in town but he has been out of town so long. He asked again why daddy isn't living here. I said that my understanding is that he wanted to have some space because we weren't getting along so well. S9 said through tears, "I didn't think it would be this long." Aaargh. I just held him and said I understood.
Then, he asked me to tell him a story in the sweetest little voice.
So, here's what I came up with (short version).
There once was a porcupine who lived in a village full of pigs. He fell in love with one of the pigs (S laughed) and they decided to live together and make babies (porcupigs). But, the problem was that the porcupine kept poking the pig with his quills and the pig was sad and kept getting angry at the porcupine. So, even though the porcupine loved the pig and the pig loved the porcupine and they both loved their little porcupigs, the porcupine decided it would be best for him to leave and he went to a village full of porcupines. And he would come and visit the porcupigs and sometimes he would bring them with him to the porcupine village (and they fit in fine because they were half porcupine). I asked S what he thinks should happen next, should the porcupine stay away or come back? He thought about it and answered, "he should stay away so he doesn't keep hurting the pig" and then he said "or, he could find a person to cut down his quills so that they don't hurt anymore" and I asked "so he would have to change?" and he said "yes" and I said "and the pig would need to change too, wouldn't she? She would have to be a little stronger and not get upset so easily, right?" Well, he's not an idiot so when I said good night, he asked, "so that story was about us?" And I said "well, it was the closest I could get on the spot." And he seemed comforted and honestly it made sense to me and I think it made sense to him too.
Well, it sure is a lot of pressure trying to come up with answers and they are all on me!! But, it really made me better understand. This is just one of my worst nightmares, but, I'm trying to make the best out of it. I also told him how the little porcupigs were so perfect because they were cuddly soft and had a few quills to defend themselves...
I so want to talk to H about this. But, is there any point? I feel like it is inconsequential. I want him to know what the kids are going through AND I want him to know how I handle it. Aargh, he really is irrelevant.
I love the story you created! Porcupigs...! You are a good mom. Nice job taking a tough situation and providing comfort in a way a smart 9 yr old can relate to. He'll talk to his dad when he's ready.
There once was a porcupine who lived in a village full of pigs. He fell in love with one of the pigs (S laughed) and they decided to live together and make babies (porcupigs). But, the problem was that the porcupine kept poking the pig with his quills and the pig was sad and kept getting angry at the porcupine. So, even though the porcupine loved the pig and the pig loved the porcupine and they both loved their little porcupigs, the porcupine decided it would be best for him to leave and he went to a village full of porcupines. And he would come and visit the porcupigs and sometimes he would bring them with him to the porcupine village (and they fit in fine because they were half porcupine). I asked S what he thinks should happen next, should the porcupine stay away or come back? He thought about it and answered, "he should stay away so he doesn't keep hurting the pig" and then he said "or, he could find a person to cut down his quills so that they don't hurt anymore" and I asked "so he would have to change?" and he said "yes" and I said "and the pig would need to change too, wouldn't she? She would have to be a little stronger and not get upset so easily, right?" Well, he's not an idiot so when I said good night, he asked, "so that story was about us?" And I said "well, it was the closest I could get on the spot." And he seemed comforted and honestly it made sense to me and I think it made sense to him too. _________________________
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This brought a tear to my eye...not because of the sad story...but because of the strength and sheer determination of a strong, wise mother facing one of the hardest times in her life. You are a GREAT mom....and you should not tell H about this...it is a moment that your son will never forget and it is between the two of you. Your H does not need to know, nor does he DESERVE to know...and part of me thinks that he already knows how much stronger you are than he...or he would not trust you to take care of your boys. You should be proud of yourself...and think of this as your new challenge...KNOW that you are the one who can comfort your kids now, and you are doing an AMAZING job. ((HUGS)) You rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks mama. It helps. I think H would be pissed I made him the porcupine anyway (even though I picked pig for me).
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and part of me thinks that he already knows how much stronger you are than he...or he would not trust you to take care of your boys.
Ok, that is sad but true and he has so much as stated that he is lucky he doesn't have to worry because I am such an amazing mom. Kind if creepy.
Thanks again. Every night like this makes me more aware that I will survive and less inclined to be here a year from now waiting for him...YKWIM. My door is nearly closed...
I read something that Sandi2 had written on another thread... thought it applied to what you said about "wanting" to be able to explain the events of the evening (and S9's feelings) and what he's doing to the family/kids....
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The thing is.......you are or "were" trying to see him as if you were expecting him to use a "normal" thought process and to conduct himself as if he were as normal as you (or at least as normal as he use to be). That is not going to happen. I am going to say this, sweetheart, and I am not trying to see how mean and hurtful I can be b/c you have experienced enough of that, okay? Here comes a blunt point........the H you knew and was M to is no longer here on planet earth. It is as if he has died. You can see a body that reminds you of him, but that is far as any recognition goes. As they say here on the board....it is as if a alien has snatched his body and he has been replaced by something/somebody you don't know. Guess what? He does not know who he is any longer, either. He is confused and tries to bluff his way around and convince people he is great and you are horrible and he is loving his new life. It is all garbage! He is miserable, confused, angry, hurting, bitter, resentful, and all of the other emotions that are negative. He would not have you know that.....or anybody else......therefore the reason for "games" and the split personality, the strange behavior, etc. The stress he is causing for himself is almost unbearable, but he has to get through this hell that he is in. I pray that his health does not decline and he will not take as long as some people do before his senses return and he can see and think clearly. I don't know if anyone can fully understand without actually experiencing it.
The first thing I would tell you is that you need to go into "survival mode" ASAP. Until you can do that, he is going to be meaner and more nasty to you each time he sees you. When he looks at you and sees your pain....he is filled with guilt and anger. I know, you don't think so, but he is. He doesn't even fully realize all his own emotions at this point b/c he is in such a state of fantasy & confusion. That causes him extreme stress, conflict, turmoil and a lot of other things I could mention! B/c he can't handle all these misunderstood emotions that he is experiencing, he lashes out at you, or your mother, in anger or some other nasty way. He is in pain, but he is in complete denial and therfore he tries to hurt you (or your mother) worse than he is hurting. It may appear to you that he is successful at this, but you don't know what goes on inside of him when he departs from seeing you.
I'm not sure what I would tell you TO do, but I can pass this along... It appears he might not be able to process it.
We're with ya...
You hold him, and I'll swing, or vice versa!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I so want to talk to H about this. But, is there any point? I feel like it is inconsequential. I want him to know what the kids are going through AND I want him to know how I handle it. Aargh, he really is irrelevant.
He is irrelevant. I suspect you believe, in your heart of hearts, that if Monsoor "hears" this, really "hears" this, he'll change his mind.
