Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Update...still more of the same. We are not talking, no eye contact, no nothing. I'm really NOT looking forward to this weekend, because a good friend is getting married and lucky me, I get to go alone to it. Thankfully, I have been recruited to help behind the scenes a lot, so that should help me feel a bit more detached about the whole thing so that I don't continue to think and overthink my singleness while there.

I feel totally embarassed to have to admit to some really great women who I've met throughout the bridal festivities thus far that I'm there without my spouse. I talked to my therapist about this and she says that I don't have to be such an open book, especially with strangers, I can just say "he couldn't come" or something of that nature. It is a big relief to hear that, not that it is rocket science or anything, but it gave me permission to not have to spill my guts to the world. What's worse for me about this is not the embarassment or lost of face, but the loss of control of my emotions. I feel that were I to have to fess up at a wedding of all places, I might lose it and start crying.

Weddigns are full of such hope and promise, and only a mere few months ago, I was there myself, making promises to my husband. This is really hard that this is our first wedding after ours, and we didn't even make it this long. I have to keep remembering though that this is not all my fault, but it feels like it. I feel like I'm going through hell and back, and never even had a full YEAR of newlywed bliss, much less more than the 2 months that were happy.

I will go into this here, because frankly I know my friends and family are damn sick of hearing it, but honestly, why me? This is SO not fair that after waiting so long to find my husband that it couldn't even work out for a damn year. I've dated for 17 years before meeting him, I really don't want to have to date any more, and you'd think that I would finally be done at some point. How damn unfair is this? I know this is not cancer or something but I still wonder what the h*ll I ever did to deserve going through all this pain, when i didn't ever get to enjoy some of the best parts of marriage.

Continuing with the sob story...I am really worried now about the idea of ever having a child. It seems so damn futile now because he's made me so wary of men, there's no way I'd accept an engagement until we've been dating for at least a year, and then where do I meet Mr.Right #2 so quickly before my biological clock runs out? I've stopped with my BC because we haven't had sex in 2 months anyways, which is really hard to deal with, espcially because he's still in the house. So right now all I am doing is stockpiling it for the times when I don't have health insurance in the very near future. Fantastic.

All I wanted in life was a happy marriage and a baby, now it seems I'm getting none of it. Better stop this pity party soon, because my eyes are welling up and I don't want him to hear me cry. He doesn't deserve to hear my emotions anymore, and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me.
<sigh> Life is hard.

Note the papers filed date below....I STILL haven't recieved anything yet as far as being served. Time to do my daily check of the circuit court online to see if it is up there yet. I just want to get the papers so that I can move on to the next step, you know? I hate having to wait for the other shoe to drop, even if you are told about it in advance.