Divorce looming #14

[K4D]

I guess my bone is I am that I am seeking christian counseling at church. I am in the midst of our first real cycle at work which is helping me stay focused and I am enjoying my kids. I am getting out and meeting other people. And I am spending a bit more time at home now. I am continuing to work on my relationship with God and reading more. I always pray every day and yes I pray for more than just a reconciliation between me and my W. I pray for everyone on here, my kids, my W, and I ask forgiveness for things that I have done wrong.

I hope I didn't come across as harsh as I was only trying to answer things about me. There were quite a few posts today and I did read all of them. But I may not have remembered to answer everyones questions in responding.

What goals have I checked off? I need to go back and look at my goals. But I think I am a pretty good dad. I think I am trying to figure out how to get a life by getting out and doing things. I am getting my anxiety under control whether it be by meds at this point. I am focusing more at work. And I am trying to set myself up with opportunities to further myself financially. Oddly I even thought about taking a sowing class just to learn how to do that. I am trying to come up with things.

Kevin

[aliveandkicking]

Kevin, I think the throw a bone comment sort of implies that you think everyone is here for their own amusement waiting with baited breath for you to respond when in reality, most are fed up and hoping you will "get it" and pushing themselves to stick with you.

I doubt you meant it the way it came off and I'm sure most posters will get that but, it is something to look at. No one wants to d*ck around, unless of course it is humorous or serving some alternate purpose other than feeling like one is banging one's head against a brick wall.

Make sense?

[CityGirl]

All I was saying (without much eloquence apparently, lol!) is to use the meds properly to get you over the hump but dont make them a way of life. The Xanax is a tool (and very effective for many people) to use until your long term meds kick in. But please do go to counseling so eventually the meds can be eliminated and you will obtain the proper emotional tools to handle whatever life throws your way. It wont be a slow or easy process.

Now, what you need to focus on (IMO of course) is solutions. You say you cant afford counseling. Ok, that is understandable. You said the free counseling place has not called you back. I posted three free resources for free or very low cost counseling... have you called all three? What research have you done on your own to find a free or low cost counselor? Have you called the dept. of Health & Human services in Dallas to see what is available to you as far as free or low cost counseling? Have you told your primary dr. of your need for counseling but lack of funds to see if they are aware of any programs you might not know of? I would like to see a detailed list of how you will go about finding counseling you can afford. And dont just make the list but execute it and once you do execute the list and if a solution doesnt pop up you will need to make a new list with new and creative solutions.

Hey, what about calling the guidance counselor at the school your kids go to and asking him/her if they are aware of any free or low cost adult counseling options. It cant hurt and its just another possible solution.

Goals are good but executing them and finding solutions is the real key. And sometimes you need to be really creative to find a solution. But that will give you confidence and make you less needy and show you that you can thrive on your own.

I am hard on you because I was right where you are at one time and it almost killed me physically and emotionally. If I can help ONE person not go through the hell I went through, well, that would be great. IRL I am pretty soft spoken and I have lots of compassion but sometimes you just have to be tough. Contrary to popular belief - I am actually a nice person that cares a whole lot

[aliveandkicking]

Hey, what about calling the guidance counselor at the school your kids go to and asking him/her if they are aware of any free or low cost adult counseling options. It cant hurt and its just another possible solution.

But, I would be mindful of not saying too much in that environment, just because it is the kids' domain and you don't want it out there that you are struggling. IMO.

[K4D]

First, let me just say that I apologize to everyone for coming across wrong. I in no way at all find any of this amusing and never have. I'm sorry if I came across wrong. I am certainly glad for everyone's help and would in no way at all want to be disrespectful towards anyone and I didn't realize that maybe that came across wrong. It was not my intention.

Everyone knows I need the help. There is no question there.

I hadn't thought about the school counselor.

Citygirl, I will respond to the rest of the questions tomorrow. I am tired and falling asleep. I think even a half pill is doing me in. I'm ready to be off this xanax and just have the long term stuff kick in.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Frankly,

the meds are an issue but to me, YOU not getting serious help after MONTHS of acting like a man having a nervous breakdown IS JUST HUGE!! Frankly, you pretty much did have a break down to be blunt. Losing your job and moving TO Florida and THEN BACK, and the way you acted in front of your wife and obsessed ENDLESSY and CONSTANTLY - are the behaviors of someone who did HAVE a breakdown...and you have not seen a c yet. I'm amazed b/c I sure thought you had. WTH?

MOST of your questions of us, you have asked before, and more than once. Either you the problems we fear you have, OR you are careless in your reading of our posts, and therefore we don't want to keep caring more than you do, about YOUR life. Make sense?

So for me, seems you want help but you want it from US or "church friends" on your terms only, as we can't "make" you do anything and we can't check on you so we have to take your word for all this and you SURE leave things out kev....and you DO ignore most advice given OR repeat the same mistake over and over....Wow...okay, so yeah, let's say you Do care about your life and the work WE put into trying to help...

That means you have some serious issues you will never heal from without professional help...but that's so far down on YOUR list of "things to do" it's insane, literally, and yet you think if your w said "Come home now Kev" that you'd be fine, and the M would ALL be different??


Kevin, both things cannot be true. If you have serious psychological/biochemical problems for which you self medicated with alcohol, AND you have not gotten help for those very problems, then you should NOT even contemplate getting back with your wife now OR any time soon. So the 100 days is like a bandaid of time for you to START getting better. I had no idea you had gotten no counselling. Man!

So you are getting no money (or furniture) from her, NO child support...but you're too broke to get med care. Gee, good thing you took NO support from your wife b/c NOW you cannot afford to get healthy enough for her to take you back!!...see how much nonsense I see in that line of reasoning?

Oh, and let's admit it...the real reason you took no money from her was to 1) avoid conflict with her so she would not get mad at you....and 2) a tactical choice to make yourself look better. It was not about the kids or their needs. If you didn't need the money, (WHICH YOU DO) what about the girls? Instead of putting the money into a 529 plan OR saving it in case you do lose your job and need some money for a place for your girls to live in, with you...but no, you put your pride ahead of them...[b]a therapist or c would have helped you see this.

And if you admitted things like not having a c, which I have asked many times, OR if you had taken the advice I know I and others gave you at the time, you would have made a much healthier decision. But you forgot to tell me "oops no c" AND you ignored the advice about the money set aside for the girls or a rainy day. Rainy days include not having the money for psych help. (If I'd known you had no medical...now I'm getting a bit ticked...

I mean I could swear you said you made an appointment with a c, or "called for one" implying that you were doing it.... AND what about a L? oh, You "called one" once??

See to me, you have not thrown us ANY BONE. And this is NOT about the divorce date passing! There are much bigger issues here. I

I'm a health L and no MD prescribes meds without evaluating you. So, what'd he/she say to you? Didn't they recommend c and could or did give you a referral for one? Sometimes it's free but MUST YOUR MED CARE BE FREE???

(THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW KEV, IS "NO, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE FREE"....Why? B/C IT IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO PAY FOR MED CARE IF WE HAVE TO, TO FIX THE UNDERLYING PROBLEMS WE HAVE - THAT CAUSE US AND OUR LOVED ONES SO MUCH MISERY IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO IT IS THE MOST LOVING AND BRAVE THING WE CAN DO...FIX US... That's why it's okay to pay for SOME things in life. And to get some furniture and sell it if you have to, to have some money. What were you thinking was going to happen, she'd wake up and say "COME HOME, and thank God we don't have to move a couch b/c if we had to move a stick of furniture, I would NOT want you to come home".... And Why did you refuse ALL the advice you got here AND not see a L or C?

The big pattern I see is that you really like short cuts to everything. And you are blind to how much that is truly "costing" you in real life.

(( j ))

[K4D]

I did call the counselors. I do have some furniture. I have 2 couches and beds for us and a tv and some lamps, dishes, and a table and chairs.

I was seeing a counselor before I left for Florida. I didn't feel like it did me much good. But I still tried calling that one free service a couple of times and never heard back.

The doctor recommended I see a psychiatrist as opposed to a psychologist. And he did refer me to one. I need to call and see about the rates.

I didn't ask for money from W for a few reasons. One, I didn't know if it would backfire on me and her decide to try and stick me with standard visitation and end up coming after me for child support, and 2, no I guess I didn't want to make things worse between us.

I don't know why she didn't file the final decree yesterday. The case will now be dismissed. I truly wonder if she forgot or if there were other motives. But I know she does not have a L. And I actually did go and talk to a L in person. She recommended me just going with the 50/50 that I was offered since W did not introduce the kids to OM.

And no I don't expect W to take me back anytime soon. I wish she would, but that isn't reality right now. I am trying to work on things for myself.

You all are really adamant about me getting professional help. I guess I need to look at my budget after I get some rates and see what I can do.

At least its Friday. Another week down. I am looking forward to an enjoyable weekend with my girls.

Kevin

[PMA_Baby!]

We are smart enough to know when someone needs more help then a web site can provide. Either because we personally have experienced similiar feelings or know people that have. We are NOT PROFESSIONAL COUNSELORS that do this for a living. We can only share with you our own experiences. You have painted a very bleek picture of yourself on this board that is very concerning to us. Lucky for you we do care and want to help. But like you know God helps those who help themselves. You REALLY NEED to start HELPING YOURSELF by listening to these concerned people on this board instead of taking the bits and pieces that YOU feel YOU WANT to do. Stop doing what you have been doing. Stop making excuses. If you tell us that you've made over 50 calls to different counseling agencies and still have not found anyone then that would be different. Have you?

About your WAW not filing. I can understand you excitement. To feel like your prayers have been answered. Maybe they have. Maybe God threw you a rope, but now it's up to you to do what everyone on here has been suggesting you do and "climb that rope". I know that's confusing especially when everyone on here is always saying "drop the rope"

Keep on truckin man! Forget about what YOU THINK YOU should be doing. Try "standing on the shoulders of some of these amazing giants" that we are ALL so blessed to have volunteer their time and experiences on this board.

Lets start with seeing your list of both short and long term goals.

Have a great weekend with your girls. PMA

[K4D]

I understand. I will list them again this weekend.

Last night D7 told me that she told her mommy that I am lonely when they are not there. I'm not sure where she got that from. But her mommy told her I stay plenty busy when they are gone.

Then D7 asked me if I missed W. I said yes. I miss her very much. And then we left it at that.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

When your d7 asked that question, which you KNOW she'll tell your w, couldn't you have said "Sometimes" and left it at that?

Start the 100 days over if you decide to do it. Which I doubt you will. B/C even after all this, ALL THIS ADVICE you still WILL NOT get it. (Note I did not say you "cannot" get it, b/c you can. You just won't.)

Everyone in the world knows you think you need your w for your happiness, and that is a big fat Unattractive burden to your wife.

But you keep on reminding her every chance you get or every chance your kids present to you so THEY can know too....you think that was what your d's needed to hear? It's NOT. They need to know you'll be alright no matter what.

Can't you give that to THEM? Show some progress. The answer you gave d7 is the SAME ANSWER YOU GAVE IN FEB/MARCH/APRIL AND MAY....

(( j ))