That's the scary part. I'm afraid of putting 100% into counseling only to have him faking at trying or let's be honest I'm just afraid of getting hurt!!
2nd session not so bad. He still has a lot of anger. Learned something new from the therapist tonight that anger is a secondary emotion usually related to a primary emotion of hurt, fear or frustration. Makes a lot of sense.
He talked about needing more space so I guess I'm not doing as good a job as I thought I was. Although I find it kind of amusing that he said that because he's been initiating conversation with me and of course s.
I'm still confused about the s issue. I've felt renewed with a new attitude - just trying to improve myself and be happy. I think because of that my s drive has greatly improved. I've been trying to just have fun and enjoy myself. Which he admitted tonight freaks him out a little bit - it's a side of me he hasn't seen before.
However, at our session he also said that home is not comfortable for him. That he was thinking that I'd think less of him last night or be mad because he ordered pizza instead of fixing dinner. Of course I could care less as long as the 14-year old eats! He acts like it's suchtorture for him when I'm around.
Can someone explain to me then why does he initiate s? Is it just to fulfill a selfish need? If I'm so awful, why would he even want to touch me or is that some sick something?!
The last thing he said (yet again) - was that he'd finally made peace with his decision and was done. And when I didn't make it easy for him (he thought I'd just say sure let's get divorced) - I took that away from him! What the H...! The therapist even said no one has taken that away from you.
He said he's thought about moving out just for a break but he thinks if he did that he'd never move back in. At least it's his observation that once people move out they typically do not move back in. So I'm not sure he sounds like he's ready for that. The therapist confirmed that the odds aren't good when someone moves out.
She left the room to get some handouts for us on anger and the 7 deadly sins of conflict and he looks over at me and says so do you want to have s tonight? Laughs a little and says I'm just kidding.
Now I'm the one that's angry (primary emotion all three of the above - hurt, frustration, fear). I think he may have ruined s for me. Not sure I can engage in it with him after the things he's said tonight. Guess I'll see how I feel in the tomorrow. Maybe I need to sleep downstairs tonight!
Session three next Wednesday night. Until then he's gonna get a lot of space!
